Summer Jobs

before reading please update yourself: job interview

so obviously didn't get that job. surprised?  not really.

however, i didnt end up working at the same mall for another retail company. a few weeks later the same guy who i interviewed with/shook his hand with my wet hand come into the retail company that I  currently work for. Awkward. He came in with his girlfriend. His girlfriend was asking me a bazillion questions. and he well... he was pretty uncomfortable. I was chillen though.

I was working a couple days ago at my current retail job in the mall, folding clothes in the front of the store, while greeting customers as they come in. Well guess who walks into my store... John. (Read High School Hotties Post) John comes in with a friend and suddenly comes over to me.


He was still as lucious as he was in high school. I assumed he worked at abercrombie and fitch because he wreaked of their cologne. This is how the conversation went down. FYI- from my past occurrences with john i decided to pretend not to know him.

John: oh hey. do I know you from somewhere?
Me: well, um im not sure.
John: are you from around here.
Me: yeahh
John: what is your name.. wait don't tell me. what does it start with
At this point.. i'm getting clearly annoyed. go away. i was strugglin trying to fold these damn tshirts.
Me: L...
John: Lizzy....
Me: close.. leah
John: do you have a sister
Me: no..
John: hold old are you?
In my mind... what are with these questions... christ.
Me: I'm a rising junior
John quickly gets unconfortable... starts looking around, fidgeting  with his hands.
John: ugh well... uhhh... sorry to bother you!
He then proceeds to run out of the store.

I was really confused by what just happened. Then I thought about it.

Whether he recognized me or not, he was hitting on me. He asked for my age, and when I told him, I as a rising junior... he thought I was a rising junior in high school. LMAO. actaully dying.

what up pedafile.

I'm hilarious, even if it is on accident.

Asian Invasion

LOVE me asian food,  hello kitty and everything is basically made from China. In high school, I had an asian tutor that helped me with AP Biology. She was the fucking bomb. I get this love from my dad. My dad also loves asians. He married my mom... He thinks Asians have a great work ethic and family structure.

Asians are basically the fucking shit. However, no one is perfect.

Last semester, I was in the library working on a paper. I was in the dungeon part of the library which means there is no talking aloud. So, I am typing on my computer alone. There were many people studying around me, not at my table but close to my table studying or working on papers for finals as well.

Suddenly, a ripple of farts are heard. I hear them coming from behind me. I slyly turn around it was this asian boy heavily working on something on his computer.

More ripples.

I began to cover my nose.

I of course was not the only one who heard these ripples. I make eye contact with a girl I kinda know. I tried to hold it in but we both begin to laugh.

Fast, slow, slow, fast loud queasy ripples. It was like anal acoustics. no joke.

I am literally dying in my chair. He keeps on working on his mac like nothing is happening.

CLEARLY, something is happening.

Like dude, go to the boys room to do that. He was a lean mean farting machine. However,  I have to give him credit to be really concentrated on his studies.  I never go into that part of the library .... because I want to avoid distraction.

A couple days after this incident,  I witnessed 3 asians running across campus with paper in hand.... one of them was me.

Pretty Pictures

Job Interview

Went to my retail interview at a local mall today.

I was a bit early. Go into the store across from because I had time to kill.

I walk into Bath and Body Works... try to some lotion, however the smell reminded me of cleaning solution so I quickly ran to wash my hands with soap and water.

I leave to go to the retail interview. I walk in and I get acquainted with the manager who was about to interview me. He sees me and puts out his hand and I step to him to shake it.

He gives me a look.

I suddenly feel his hand touching mine to be wet.

I give myself a look.

I forgot to dry my hands after washing them.

Classy. Real Classy.

Stay tuned if I actually get the job.

10 Struggle Updates

 a struggle for the perfect physique. new solution.

 “For better or worse, our future will be determined in large part by our dreams and by the struggle to make them real.”

 my book would be 80 pages long

seeing struggles at a young age.

 good thing it's almost spring 

 no caption needed

yup. I DEF make it awkward.

Leaving The Office :(

“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.” - Anonymous

Life is a struggle. All you can do is laugh at yourself and fuck what anyone else thinks. damn.  - Leah 

Sunshine Yellow

There is this thing on campus where you where nothing but a thong and get painted with liquid latex, and they call it an art show. I did the show freshman year, and as a sophomore I was like okay I'll do it again.. what do I have to loose. Little did I know... my fucking dignity.

So the night before the show, I had to shave every inch of my body. (Everything had to be naked mole rat status because after the show when your taking the latex off your body it will hurt like a mother fucker... pulling of you hair) Last year I waxed everything, this year was a bit last minute and I shaved everything. EVERYTHING...well except my back. That's weird. So, I am in the shower for a long time obviously. I finish. I get out of the shower, wrap myself in a yellow towel, and walk back to my dorm room. Nothing crazy.

While walking back to my room, one of the dudes who lives on my hall passes by and says "hey Leah! I see you shaved!"

Oh. okay. Awesome. Oh my god. I am a ripe tomato. Oh my god. I look down to see my if my coochi was hanging out but it wasn't. I am confused at this point... thinking did he see me  in the shower?... Me looking confused. Him looking confused because I look confused. He goes "yeah, you know you shaved your mustache!"

LOL. I almost crapped in my pants. I forgot that me and a friend were goofing around the other night with fake mustaches and he saw me in with a mustache. LOL... but I almost died right their in my towel. Total misunderstanding.

Back to the real story, the show starts at 8pm. However, painting the body starts at 12pm because you are painted with layers of latex. So, I am getting naked, getting painted, etc. Now they do not paint around your crotch you paint over your thong because just in case you need to go to the bathroom. I have a huge blatter. So I told the person who was painting me: " just seal me up! paint me all!" This was around 4 pm. I tell her to do this as I am  drinking pink lemonade.

The latex artwork that covered by body was finished around 6pm.Two hours before the show. When Latex dries on the body, sometimes it can rip (like a latex condom when having kinky sex) and so when 8pm rolled around the latex started ripping slighting in areas such as my crotch, knees,and neck. Places where I would be forced to move my body in order to walk. Whatever, not a big deal, this happens to everyone.

At 815 pm, the first acts perform ( I was in the second act). As the acts were performing, I felt the urge. The urge to tinkle. Fuck my life. Fuck me for drinking lemonade.

HONESTLY.

Now, since the latex ripped in my crotch area, I thought that I could pee.

MISTAKE.

"Peed in my pants" the expression doesn't seem fit for what happened. It was more "peed in my latex."

Massive flood of pee all over me,  all over the latex on my legs and all over the bathroom floor. Good thing everyone was outside watching the acts perform, while this was happening. After, I pee on myself, (awesome)  I flip the fuck out. Not because the girls bathroom floor was a pleasant shade of sunshine yellow, but because I smelled like urine and I was about to perform on stage, and the latex was falling apart apart, and and my  naked body was seeping through.

FUCKME.sohard.

So I quickly rush out of the stall wash my hands, and grab paper towels (a massive amount) Trying to dab my latex on my legs dry,so it wouldn't fall off my body (especially on stage in front of many peers and TEACHERS). Awesome. Grabbing and dabbing was the technique I used. Latex was  ripping and I began to see my thong. fuck. I run to the boys bathroom to dry of the pee on me. In retrospect, I don't know why I ran to the other bathroom. At this point, hyper ventilating begins, me breathing slowly and deeply.

I then go back in to the room I was painted in and start repainting my crotch ASAP. However, it would not be dry in time for the second act. So, what  do I do?

I fucking blow dried my vagina like it was my job with some rando's blow dryer so the latex could dry.Yeah (and it didn't have the cool button). So my VAG was on fiya for like 10 minutes.

HAM=me.

I think the show went well at least? No one mentioned the smell of urine on stage.

Peek A Boo

Last night, there was a rave on campus. And when I mean rave, I mean someone DJing in one of our functional halls at my University. It was fun. I was drunk. It got really great when me and Bertha went to into the function hall closet. We start are hooking up. Nice. So were hooking up there for quite a bit, and then Bertha grabs my crotch to I guess pull me closer to her.We both hear a rip in my American Apparel Black Leotard.

Honestly.

We stop. I than realize that that there is a huge hole in my crotch. The hole was about the size of a mango. Awesome. I am not wearing any underwear. Even more awesome.

I'm actually really pissed right now because I was and am still in love with that leotard. It's perfect accessory in a girls closet.... well in my closet. Anyway, Bertha and I eventually slip out the closet and try to leave and walk to the nearest exit, without anyone noticing. When I mean anyone, I mean the combined 200+ sober and not so sober people at the rave. I had to walk like there is a stick up my ass so no one will see my fucking VAGINA... hanging out like whats up.

Leave the function hall. Walk to friends dorm to get keys. Go up two different flights of stairs. Walk to my dorm that is halfway across campus. Walking slow as fuck.

Champ status.

To Fuck Or Not To Fuck

To fuck or not to fuck - that is the question.

Questions like this that would only be applicable in College... well maybe not but its the first time I have ever had heard of someone deal with this kinda situation. 

One of my friends who I love to death... shes awesome. I will call her Mary. She is girly be can be one of the guys, sweet, and really into boys. Loves em. And who can blame her. The opposite sex can be rather appealing.


Setting: Frat Party.
Scene: Mary playing beer pong. Me kinda tipsy.

She sees me and greets me with a huge hug!
She then comes to me and says "Leah, I have a huge problem!"
Me: what is it?! Are you okay?!

Mary: I have 2 boys I have my eye on... but I don't know which one to fuck

Me: What's the problem... obviously the hotter one!
Mary: my dilemma is Boy A is really hot, but he can never get it up and Boy B is okay looking, (obviously not as hot as Boy A) but will probably get it up. And I just wanna get it in!

I let this problem marinate in my mind for a couple of minutes.She wanted a good time so after, I told her Boy B was the better choice. Boy B has a better chance getting the job done. Again, I have never been in that situation or never thought to be put in that situation. And I thought choosing between girls or boys to fuck was hard. After the party broke up, I see her holding hands with Boy B, both of them walking out. I smiled.

oh the dilemmas of college

WANNABE SWAG

When we are with our significant other, someone we like, or someone we have a crush on... we want to impress them, we want to to have swag.

Obviously, I am a wannabe.

Totally hate people who have charisma and swag.

2 hours ago.

Me and Betha brushing our teeth in bathroom. Me running to my room. Me trying to have swag. Me in a rush. Me trying to make funny faces, while I walk backwards to impress Bertha who is still brushing her teeth. Me about to walkout of the bathroom entrance. Me trip over a 4 foot fire extinguisher.


Me now have a huge bruise on left knee. Totally awesome, like omg.

In retrospect, questions surface. Why was there a huge 4 foot extinguisher in the middle of the door entrance to the bathroom...? Why did I not notice that before when I entered the bathroom?

Note* this wannabe swag can be seen also if your really attractive, delicious, goodlooking, beautiful or yoos a sexy bitch. Probably,wont be able to talk to you. You will hear soft mumbles coming from my mouth. OR me say something quickly, give you a dirty look... and run away.

Daily Strugglin'

Stop Sippin that Haterade

I know that some people have thought that maybe certain blog posts have been about them.  So, I’m really sorry if you feel upset or offended.  But my blog is just an outlet to my creativity.  I’ve just been honest with how I feel and am voicing the adventures of my life.  And I have every right to do that:  the first amendment says so.  Shout outs to the founding fathers of America. That being said, there’s a reason I keep everything anonymous and give people fake names.  This is so no one knows who is who.  No one will figure it out.  And if you think they have, you can assure them of the law of large numbers.  You can be sure it’s not about you. Don’t flatter yourself.

oh my god, she's gonna have a bitch fit!

I’d like to think that I’m a nice person. However sometimes, I can throw a bitch fit. Usually it's when I’m jealous, stressed, do not get what I want, lack of sleep, bad mood, and especially when I’m trying to get somewhere  and the doushe in front of me is walking SO slow. Seriously, can’t handle it… get out of my way. But when creating a bitch fit there is always karma. Karma always nips you in the butt… and this is my story: 

At the airport. Going back to school after a long seven day spring day break. Wasn’t in the best mood…  was kind fighting with my parents about stuff. But for good reason. So I am at the gate, waiting to board.

Background info: Now I fly on Southwest Airlines and Southwest assigns each person a number to board the plane, so like if you have the number 1-30 you board first, and if you have 30-60 you board last. All passengers line up in number order. The great thing about Southwest is that they assign you a number to when you can get on the plane, but doesn’t assign you to any particular seat on the plane. You can choose where you want to sit. So obviously, if you have a lower, number you have a better seat, or a seat you want.

When in line, waiting to board the plane, and this very tall, skinny, long haired, indie, urban outfitters wearing, probably in college, girl slowly comes up to me. Let me remind you that I was in a very vulnerable state at this time. 

So she stops, and says “oh what number do you have.." and points to her ticket

And I say “um… well it doesn’t really matter what number I have, and I really don’t know” and then I turned the other way like an asshole.

I really don't know what came over me.... I don’t know what my though process was at the time… like I probably thought she wanted to go in front of me in line or something.  But HELL NO. I wanted a seat next to the window, so I could sleep and forget about my problems with my parents. 

She gives me a look and walks away. I get on the plane, fly back, and then arrive back on campus. Whatever. Okay, so at that point when I arrived back in my dorms, I did feel bad. And I just took it out on that poor girl. Fuck.

So that very night, I had a club meeting. The meeting begins and everyone in this huge circle of about 30 people. WHY IS THAT SAME GIRL I SAW AT THE AIRPORT at the meeting? Oh my god,she goes to my school. Oh my god, I am fucking idiot. At that point, I was like this isn’t happening, what the hell. That would happen.

So, it’s the beginning of the meeting and the club is holding board elections for next semester, and this girl is running for one of the spots on board like secretary or something. I’m on board. Awkward. I have never seen her in my life. I am just so caught off guard by the whole thing. At the end of the meeting, I come up to her and say hello. (I didn’t know what to do?.. honestly didn't know what to do) Hey what’s up… remember me the asshole at the airport. I mean she was perfectly fine, nice and polite. We quickly chatted about how we live in the same hometown, and how we both go to the same university. Small World.

Yup. That’s cool. 

Karma’s a bitch. 

I’m a bitch. (sometimes)

Fuck me.

I mean I see her time to time because she is a sophomore like me, so she eats in the same cafeterias like me and probably lives in the same dorms as me.  When I see her I smile and after she walks by I do a self slap across the face. Honestly. till this day, I don’t really know if she took that offensively, but I think she did. I would. I’m so sorry if you reading this!

Baby Boy Feat. Sean and Paul

(So the contents of this blog post will be better understood if you have read the High School Hotties Blog Post explaining my spitting on boys catastrophe. More of the older blog posts anyway are more.. let's just say flavorful,  And when I mean flavorful, I mean awkward, uneasy and embarrassing.)

So this post goes out to another boy that I had like a thing with in high school, and we will call him Sean. Sean was this super cute, super awkward, supper skinny, pot smoking boy, who I met by mutual friends.  I thought it was endearing that he was so awkward… and mumbled his words a lot. He had this kind of Bostonian accent, however he is not from Boston. Also, I have a thing for accents. boston, english, spanish, english accents... like em all.

We met over the summer, started texting, and decided to go on a movie date. He picks me up in his car (at that moment I had never felt so cliché in my life… honestly ... he picks me up in my car, we see a movie,  and then smoke some pot). I was so nervous, and thank god I was wearing a black bubble dress, because he would've seen my real cute sweat stains. Let’s be honest, I'm like a sweating machine.

So were at this movie, aka the worst movie in the world. I t was suppose to be scary… but it ended up being stupid. And I am one to be scared of actual scary movies. But this movie was like dog poop.

Random Fact:  My friends dragged me to a haunted forest, on Halloween one year,  where you walk around in this dark forest, and scary things pop out and people with chain saws come after you. So I go, and my partner was Jasmine,and we walk to together in the forest, and all of a sudden the grudge girl pops out. (I am terrified over the grudge girl. Saw it in movie theaters with Roxy and had to run out of the movies theaters halfway through the movie) We obviously have to get passed this grudge girl. In panic, what do I do? I shove Jasmine on to grudge girl and run away frantically, screaming "no, you will not get me!"

Back to the story with Sean, so were watching this lame movie… I’m dying because I am so bored. I’m like leaning my head over onto his shoulder, hinting. So after a supposedly scary scene, I turn my head to tell him how not scary that scene was… and he literally grabs my face and shoves his mouth onto mine. He was basically playing snake with my mouth. Awesome. Having a German Sheppard slobber all over me wasso much fun. I was so flustered that I begin talking while his mouth was suctioned to mine, letting out the words like “oh okay, um okay, oh, um, okay”. Then after a good 3 minutes, he stops, I stop. We both continue watching the movie like nothing happened.  

After that,,  I went to camp and kind of texted him for a while and then just kinda stopped. 

When I got back to school, after that summer, I was awkward and he was awkward about it. So obviously,  we both pretended like we didn’t know each other when we walked down the hallways in our high school. And when I mean both of us, I mean just me, not acknowledging his presence. My b. Okay, so yes it might seem like I am an asshole, but in actuality I am just so fucking awkward. Couldn't handle the pressure. Sean is not the first boy I have done that to…. my bad.  

I mean after that I saw him at a couple of parties… whatever. 

Fast forward to the summer after graduating high school, Star and I were coming back from seeing Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center in DC, and we were really thirsty. So, we went to the  711 nearby my house to pick up some slurpies. Slurpies are the fucking shit. You can win my heart with a pina colada delicious ice cold slurpie! We get our delicious slurpies and we go back into my car, and as were driving off…. Guess who pulls up into 711… Sean and his best friend ….let’s call him Paul. So of course as were driving away, me and Star were like… lol… awkward… and Star was like “let's go back and say hi.” Of course, Star would recommend that. She loves awkward situations, especially when they have to do with me. SO…Star was like lets go back…and I was like…. well since we graduated, I would probably never see Sean again so what the hell. Also, our little thing was so long ago… and I needed to stop being so awkward. 

We drive back to 711, Sean and Paul were still still buying… well if I would have to guess it would be chips, slurpies, and some rolling paper.  Me and Star nonchalantly walk into 711 again, we see them. They see us. I begin to feel queasy. Awesome. They come up to us, say hey… Paul asks us about how our summer is going. Sean is not saying anything. I’m barely saying anything…. 

All of sudden, again, I don’t know what comes over me but a huge wet, ball of spit was cultivating in my mouth, because I was that uncomfortable. I just can’t control my drool… and spit all over Paul. For no apparent reason. ( I mean clearly, it was because I was so nervous). All over his cargo shorts. I then to proceed to run across the 711 to the gum section which was in the back. I hide there until they leave.

Star is uncontrollably laughing. 

 I hate myself. 

Me and Sean have mutual friends so inevitably we started talking as friends, and inevitably became acquaintances during the rest of the summer. 

Honestly though. 

Months pass,  I met up with him and decided to give it another go. We went on a dinner date, and then went back to his house to watch a “movie”.  Lets talk about that. 

During dinner…

Sean:  I was talking to my mom about you and your school and my mom told me you go to an ivy league Jewish school

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it was ivy league… but its only like Jewish affiliated.

Sean:  oh…  that sucks.. I wouldn’t want to go to a jew school.  I wouldn’t wanna go there…. Have fun with that

Me: oh… okay. 

Rude. But OKAY. My IQ slowly melts when we change the subject.

Me:  So, I know that your Jewish but what is your ethnicity

Sean: wait, what

Me: Like where are you from?

Sean:  here..?

Me: no where are you parents from like before America… like your roots ?

Sean: umm… idk… my parents and I don’t really talk about that stuff.  We do really fun stuff together…  there cool parents and we don’t talk about stuff like that  

Honestly. Did those words really come out of your mouth? Like how do you not know where you come from, your roots, your background… and how can you not be curious. The conversation doesn’t get any better after this. 

Sean: Yeah, I like drinking a lot.

His cell rings. He gets a text message. Reads the text during dinner.

Sean: Oh it’s just my ex girlfriend. She is so annoying. Like always wants me back... but yeah.

Me: Oh... that’s cool.

Sean: yeah, since I broke up with her… she like gets naked in front of all my friends to get attention. But like yeah, no big deal … she’s so annoying.

That is always what a girl likes to hear. Always.

After dinner we head back to his house in the basement to watch a movie. We sit on the couch. He decides to flip through channels on the television. He stops at the discovery channel. Why are we watching an episode about people touring Israel, seeing men and women praying at the Western Wall? Then he goes… “oh isn’t this what your into?”  In my mind, I was like are you serious? Is this forreal? Just because I go to a jewish affiliated university doesn’t mean  that I like all things nice and Hebrew. 

Later, we start hooking up and literally halfway through… I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dinner conversations. I was like…. “could you just  like take me home?”

Honestly. Like you will not stay on my mind and will never fulfill my fantasies.  Like damn.

Go Green!

Summer time, when the living is easy. I have really close friends from home, and when I come back from college, I am always super ecstatic to see them. When I mean super ecstatic, I mean get really drunk. 

I snipe some whiskey and Jack Daniel’s from my dad’s stash and my friends and I start pre gaming at my house.  Some girl from high school is having a party at her college apartment about an hour away. We go.  We bring mixed drinks in recycled canteens, cups and mugs, that I have at my house and put them one of those eco friendly bags... you know the one’s you put your groceries in, instead of plastic bags. We get into Sugar’s car, continuing to drink. My mindset at this point was schools over, I’m at home for the summer, lets get fucked up. 

We get to the party, and it basically like a blast from the past, people from high school. Summary of the events that happened at the party:

•  Drunk pictures
• Sugar hookups with her ex boyfriend’s best friend
•   Star plays beer bong and looses
•  I’m really drunk
•  Beyonce is flirting with random boys 
•   I keep drinking

Obviously, the good shit happens after we leave the party. So, the girl who was throwing the party forgot to tell her roommates  about the party.... so obviously they were pissed…  and party shuts down. We all leave. We drive back and decide we want to go get some burger king.

However, as were driving home, I don’t feel good and begin to get flustered. 

I think you know what happen’s next…

I start dragooning in Sugar’s car. In retrospect, not surprised. Sugar, again I am so sorry, I was just so happy to see my biddies back home! Anyway, Star is like “throw up in the eco friendly bag, dude!” So she puts the bag in between her legs and my face is in her crotch, vomiting, nice chunks of my dinner. So ironic, especially because I am an environmental studies major.  Star later admits to me the next day, she felt like vomiting as well when I was vomiting into the bag…. and it took her all her might not to vomit on me. Damn. That would have been a fucking shit show. It would be like 2 girls, 1 cup... but not. 

We finally get to burger king.  I stopped my  vomiting. We get out of the car. Why am I undressing my clothes in the bk parking lot? Why are some of the guys from the party driving into the burger king parking lot? Perfect timing. 

Fast forward, so were driving back to my house, so we can all pass out. We all walk to my door, me holding my  own vomit in an eco friendly bag. Walking up to  the door to my house… feel all kinds of queasy. Didn’t make it to the bathroom in my house, and dragoned all over the welcome mat in front of my door, giving the entrance of my home a nice creamy, green soupy decoration at 3 in the morning. Delish. How convenient and again, ironic, the color was a beautiful shade of green.

(So, if  you have read the family fun blog post, you will hear this again)

The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”

Honestly.

Hot Ass Mess

So I was into my second semester of my freshman year, chillen. Getting the hang of my university (…well surdove). So I was coming back from dinner with some friends off campus, and went on a university bus, which is a bus that takes you into town and back to campus. So, me and some friends are on the this bus and see other mutual friends. They say hi, and I get introduced to this guy named … we’ll call him Matt. So, me and matt hit it off, I get my flirt on, nothing crazy though. When we arrived on campus, my friends and I were dropped off where my dorms were, and say goodbye the mutual friends and Matt. I was like whatever, never going to see him again. 

So wrong. 

That night we end up going to this party off campus. Before, I continue I would like to add that my best friend from home was visiting me, Star. 

So we get to this party and my girls and I were dancing, drinking have a good time… Then  I see Matt there. We end up dancing… whatever. We end up hooking up…whatever. (Do not judge by choices under the influence.)  So we continue to dance, and my friend Star is dancing all alone and I feel bad…and I tell this Matt. He goes “oh lemme get my boy, Craig.” Next thing you know Craig and Star are going at it. Can I also say Star lied and told Craig and everyone else at the party she was 22 and goes to Harvard University. They believed her. Fucking ridiculous, honestly.

Then  me and Matt make conversation while dancing…  like where are you from, what are you doing later tonight, and what year are you? So, I begin to tell him I am a freshman. He responds saying he is a prefresh. 

Honestly. 

Okay in retrospect, I don’t feel like a pedophile because he technically was a just a year younger, but HONESTLY. He was still in high school. Damn. If you saw someone on campus, you would just assume they went to your university ..awesome.  

Party ends. We are going back to my dorms. I'm drunk and mortified. Star has her tongue down Craig’s throat. I’m trying to get Matt and Craig off my balls, so I could go to bed, honestly. So we go to my friends dorm, we’ll call him Max. We go Max’s dorm, and me, Star, Matt, and Craig are just chillen. Matt needs to go to the bathroom.  I quickly tell Max what my dilemma is so he can tell Matt and Craig to go home and stop trying to get it in, because it wasn’t going to happen. I personally am not a confrontational person so I wanted Max to do it.  Matt quickly comes in all flustered, telling everyone in the room “dude this guy is getting it in with a girl in the shower, while I was pissing!... he’s the fuckin man” Were all like oh damn. Five minutes later Max’s roommate and Lauren (one of my good friends in college now) come into the dorm from the shower with towels on. Honestly. 

So then Max is like “oh the girls are sleeping here tonight.” Matt and Craig get the idea and leave. Then, me, Max, and Star decide to do facemasks after a long night. 

Lets fast forward to this year, I am now a sophomore. Matt ends up coming to this school. Awesome. Huge rager on campus.  I go. My ex roommate and I are dancing and we bump into Matt, which apparently everyone is friends with him. So  I was like I’ll just force myself not to be awkward… Good thing I was not sober that night. 

We end up dancing….

We end up hooking up…

I hook up with one of my friends…

We all hook up at the same time…

I was really drunk. Might I add that I don’t drink this much anymore, because of choices like that. AKA good thing 4lokos are illegal. 

I see Matt sports rings on his fingers. Like man rings or something. First person, I have ever hookuped with who were man rings. He lets me where one, and explains that it was given to him to by his ex girlfriend and the ring means a lot to him. 

After that night , Matt texts me wanted to get dinner and and shit like that, trying to make something more the hookup.  And, to be honest, I was into something else. Nothing personal to Matt, but  the heart wants what it wants. 

He finally stops texting me and gets the point that I’m not into it. He asks for his ring back via text. 

Why do I lose the ring?

Honestly, why am I such a doushe?  

 I don’t respond to him thinking, the ring might pop up somewhere like in my room or in my backpack. He then proceeds to facebook message, call me and leave messages about the ring. 

Andddddd, well I finally just tell him that I lost the ring…. Yeah.

Leah= HAM

Can we also talk about today I was sprinting up a huge hill in front of my dorms, late for a meeting, and trip on my show, and do a superman layout. Honestly. HAM. 

Can we also talk about I have had lost 11 university id cards. Each id card cost ten dollars. HAM.

Just Another Day

My life is awesome. so so awesome.

In order to understand this post you must read: 7th Grade Déjà Vu.

I go to the gym religiously everyday at school. Today I do the Elliptical for 30. Then I decide to do some ab work. Doing abs. See Maddy. Me and Maddy chat, nothing too interesting. As we are chatting, I am also doing abs while in the middle of conversation... I let one rip. Coolness. One big rip. We both continue having conversation nonchalantly. Honestly. Maddy probably thinks I am the most disgusting person in the world. Not only for this, but for what happened the last time.

Walking back from class to my dorm with 2 friends. We are about to cross the street. I trip over some broken rocks on the edge of a sidewalk. I wonder if my clumsy behavior was innate or was learned behavior growing up as a child. My two friends were laughing obviously. I mean it was kind of funny.  Minutes later, I look to my left. Why are professors walking and professors in a car, hysterically laughing at me? Awesome.

Later I proceed to dance in my room alone naked. Act like you don't do this when you are alone. I have great big windows in my dorm. This was at night so the windows acts like mirrors. I am dancing, a little booty popping to the music of Sexy Can I by Ray J and  I notice that my arms went from muscular and lean to putty. It's obvious that I have been slackin in the gym department over break which was last week. I'm flipping out because I gained like the fresh 15 times 2 last year (fr those of you who don't know math that's 30 pounds) and just lost all of it recently. Once you loose your blubber, you obviously don't want it back.

What do I do?

Run.

So I literally run downstairs to the bathroom, because my friend Lorie was showering. I was telling her about my arms, while she was still in the shower. Flipping out. Looking in the bathroom mirror. Pacing back and forth, like fucking a retard. Honestly. It's like the saying "Once you go black, you can never go back." But in Fatness. Also,  fun fact... that statement ("once you black...") is not true, whatsoever.

So I'm pacing whining to Lorie, hyperventilating, and thinking of new arm exercises for tomorrow's trip at the gym. Lorie finally comes out of the shower and sees my arms. She exclaims we will work on arms together. We exit that bathroom and proceed to go back into her room. To go to her room, we pass this open living room space with windows and couches (or lounge area). We pass the windows (again, it was night during this time, so the windows acted like a mirror) and I stop and look at my arms and say what the fuck. I didn't notice at first but we accidentally woke up this boy who was just sleeping in lounge area. My complaing and loud voice probably awoken him. I go to Lorie's room. We chat. Leave to go back to my room. As I go back to my room, I have to pass the lounge area again. This boy is still there. Doing homework in the lounge. Right when I was about to exit the lounge, he says my name. I go back in to the room. Now he sitting upright on the couch says... "Leah... you look great" with this serious face. Like your mom reassuring your senior year book photo is beautiful and months later when the senior year portrait yearbook photo comes out, you actually have to die a little when your yearbook senior portrait  looks different than everyone elses.My senior year book portrait was enlarged so my head in the picture was 20 times bigger than everyone elses head in thier yearbook pictures. Lets not get into that. Anyways.

 I'm uncomfortable at this point. "You look great, you have nothing to worry about." I just died. I just responded: "okay. bye" and quickly ran to my room. Lets quickly recap:

A) kind of rude to not say thank you or acknowledge his compliment
B) his roommate is mildly attractive and is probably going to tell him
C) I later came to the conclusion that he heard my whole flipping out story to Lorie in the bathroom, considering it is right next to the lounge.
D) Obviously he was not sleeping  
E) I look like one of this crazy aneroxic bitches
E 1/2) This boy probably thought I was crazy because I was wearing my sofee shorts above my belly button with a vintage nike tshirt tucked it. Tell me why I am a grandma.
F) I'm a fucking idiot.

I mean the whole thing was really nice... but really embarrassing. Keep in mind I don't really know this boy. He knows my name and is friends with Lorie.. that's about it.

Just another day in life of Leah.... fuck me.

The Doctor Is In

Background information: my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and has been living with us for about 3 years. He currently lives on our middle floor. 

Its Winter break. Just got back from Israel, I have a week at home before school. Super siced! All I was going to do for that week is work out at the gym, work on my study abroad applications, and hang out with friends. I had already packed my luggage for school and I put it in the family room next to the kitchen, so when my dad got home he could just put in the car. My dad has this fear that I never pack on time and will forget leave my luggage at home. The funny this, I came back to school that January and forgot to bring my winter jacket. LOL. It  was awesome. 

Anyway, one day I was late for this step aerobics class at the gym at home. I was quickly trying to get ready (didn’t want to miss the step aerobics class because there like the fucking shit!) I noticed that I didn’t have spandex in my room, but I packed away like 3 or 4 pairs spandex in my luggage for school. So I sprinted uncontrollably downstairs, went directly to my luggage, and pulled out this pair of zebra spandex. Without even thinking, (and I have to admit I do this all the time at home), taking off my shorts (having nothing underneath), and hurrying to put on my zebra spandex. I was wearing sneakers already, and for some reason I had a hard time putting my leg and sneaker through the spandex aka I fell on the floor… butt out, spandex only on one leg in fetal position.

Awesome. 

As I get back up facing the kitchen, someone is staring at me. First of all, I was embarrassed because I mooned him. I was like dead fish flopping on the ground, ass out. Second of all, he was my grandfather’s doctor. Tall, scruffy, chocolate brown hair, light green eyes, early 30s. Semi Muscular, only does crunches and cardio at the gym (if I would have to guess). He was pretty hot. He was also getting a glass of water in my refrigerator, as he turned around to the family room, he saw me on the floor, ass out. 

Awesome.  

I paused. (still staring at him at this moment) 

Jaw dropped (and trying to cover my butt with my hand)

He smiled. 

I died. 

Me starting to murmur: "Um,  uh, i don't mmm...  

He walked back in the other room, where my grandfather lay. 

I died some more. 

Then, I turned red.

 

Quickly put my spandex and shorts back on.

Grabbed my ipod.  

Leave my house.

Went to the Gym.Worked the shit out of my body.

Ate at California Tortilla.

Grabbed frozen yogurt.

Come back home.

My dad and mom eating dinner.

Stare at me.

Stare at them.

They burst out laughing.

Thats cool. 

To be honest though, I still will probably change my clothes wherever I want, but now with caution. 

Oh, It's What You Do To Me

Usually when I am attracted to someone, I can’t really speak to them/act meek/bump into walls/ be awkward. Usually.  My first year at college, I met this guy… we will call him Dylan. I don’t what it was I was just so uncomfortable around him. I wasn’t attracted to him, but his presence/swag was on point.  He had this aura about him that people loved. One of my good friends had the biggest crush on him freshman year. She wasn’t the only one on campus that had a crush on him. Even though I didn’t like him like that there was something about him that made me totally and utterly  incompetent. I would avoid him all the time. At all costs. I mean he was a nice guy, but I was just so awkward around him. No idea why.

So fast forward to sophomore year.  We had just got back from summer break and I was eating dinner in the one of the dining halls. As I got up to get food, I saw him from a distance. Dylan. We were both going in the same direction.  Heart stops. Damn. I fucking have to say hi because than it would be too awkward if I didn’t. I’m about to say hi and he is a few steps away from me. He goes in for a huge hug. Oh damn. Im uncomfortable and I wasn’t expecting  a huge hug! Ahhhh!  Damn. This reminds me of high school. (see High School hotties Post) 

So you know usually when you hug someone in general your bodies meet but your head goes to the left of the person and their head moves to the right of you. If you didn’t move to the left or right, you and the other person would basically butt heads together. Well for some reason, me and Dylan both moved our heads to the left and then to right and then to the left and to the right again. I’m an idiot. Right left right left. I mean if someone was watching us, it would seem like we were both avoiding kissing each other. This went on for like a long long time… I would say a minute, which doesn’t seem like a long time. It was… believe me.   He finally exclaims “you go left and I’ll go right!” I did what I was told. We ended the hug. I quickly went to get mac and cheese and ate my feelings. I was a tomato. A big red tomato. 

Apparently, I was not born with this hug head moving to the left social cue.

Months pass.  I forget about the whole thing. One night, I go to take a shower. I have a towel on and my caddy in hand.  I am walking down the hall to reach the bathroom. Now, I am pretty comfortable naked in a towel. No big deal for me. However, add Dylan into the mix and I’m a fucking ham. SO, I’m walking to the shower. Who is coming towards me at the opposite end of the hall. Dylan. Awesome. Anyway, he says hello and I screamed “HI!!!!!!!” (might I remind you in my towel) What came over me, I don’t know. I just was so nervous I screamed my  “hi” instead of playing it cool. This “hi” was not just any screaming “hi”, it was an obnoxious, high pitched, valley girl status, eye widening, “hi!” Might I also to tell you I was also uncomfortable because my legs were not shaven, so in my mind, I was like please do not stare my hairy legs! AH. Awesome.  After we pass each other, I was so overwhelmed; I walk into a random dorm room that was open.  I run into this rando room to hide from Dylan. As I am in this dorm room, I see two boys staring me while they are by their desks on the computer. I have never seen/met these boys in my life on my floor. I stare at them. They stare at me. I stare at them. They then proceed to stare at me. This goes on for couple minutes. I finally say “I’m just gonna go.” Leave their dorm room.  Walk slowly to the bathroom to shower in my towel. 

I see those boys from time to time around campus. The two boys that I walked into the room, randomly. I don’t say hi. They don’t say hi. It’s awesome. And awkward.

The Abandoned House

Junior year of high school, my best friend Jasmine decides she wants to go all out for her birthday party. What does she decide to do? Throw a neon dance party.  I mean that’s whats up. The only problem was she could not find a space to have the party. She couldn’t do it at her house or at the pool house or whatever. Finally, we will call him… Justin, offered his second “house”. Notice those quotations marks. Jasmine was like alright. I mean Jasmine and our friends didn’t really know Justin that well/ had never been to other “house”. But Jasmine was gung hoe about this party so she was like whatever, and agreed to have it at Justin’s “house”. 

So we prep for the party a week advance. Jasmine is big on décor so she bought jaw breakers, other assorted arrangements of candy, streamers, white lights, and made a ton of burned booty popping CD’s.  

Jasmine makes the point obvious that is a BYOB type thing. So that night, I remember I snuck into my dad cabinet to get some whiskey. Can we talk about that is the only thing he drinks. Can we also talk about how that made my high school drinking experience a living hell. I mixed the whiskey with some orange juice. So, at this point I’m ready for the party. Dressed and had my pregame drink set. I’m waiting for my friend to pick me up. Bored. What do I do? Start drinking the whiskey. Friend picks me up. We go to my other friend’s house. Shots were taken. (vodka shots, for clarification). I’m extremely fucked up, my other friends weren’t. They just had like 2 or 3 shots, but I’m like so fucked (due to the whiskey). We then to proceed to go to this party. We look at the the address for the party and realize it is somewhere in my friends neighborhood, so were like super siced it’s close by.  We roll up by the house. My mouth drops. My friends start laughing. I see Jasmine’s car park near the house. Obviously, she is there. We go inside the house, I distinctly remember thinking to myself “is this fucking forreal?” 

The house was under construction and only half built. The roof is still made out of wood, the floor is cement, no windows, no door, some of the inner walls consist of cardboard and wood.  Anyway, I saw that Jasmine decorated the house with white lights. Kanye West was playing from a boom box in a room that seemed like a living room. I greet Jasmine, Star, Beyonce and other people who came to the party. I fucking realize I am the only one plastered out of my mind... again. What the fuck? Why do I always do this? (See jello shot girl post) 

Whatever. I don’t really give a fuck and start dancing. I see Andy… why do I run into his arms and jump on top of him. Why do I grab his butt? Andy goes to my high school. Andy and I aren’t friends. Andy and I have never spoken a word to each other. 

The following events I’m about to tell, I don’t personally remember myself but Beyonce was eager to reiterate what happened the rest of the night to me the next day:

Surprisingly there was a good turn out, even though the party is in a abandoned house. Beyonce comments on my new and cute fake channel purse (don’t judge me that was thing to do/wear, back in the day) and asks me she wants to see it. She opens the purse. First, she finds my empty whiskey bottle in my bag. Then she finds a jar of peanut butter and 20 plastic spoons. She asks me why I have this. I tell her that if the cops come, I will quickly shove massive amounts of peanut butter in my mouth. (Okay, in my defense before the party, I had heard from many people aka Jasmine that peanut butter masks the smell of alcohol, so the breathalyzer that cops use can not detect how much alcohol you intake.) Beyonce then asks me why I have 20 spoons. I respond by telling her that if anyone else wanted to join me, I would have spoons for them. I mean I really didn’t need to bring any more spoons anyway, since I was the only one drunk. What the fuck. 

Later at the party, I see Dave (see high school hotties post). At this point I grabbed a jaw breaker (like the size of a half quarter) from the food table, and run up to him. I literally go up to him and say “Dave… Look how I can shove this jaw breaker down my throat!” Throw the jaw breaker up in the air so I could catch it with my mouth.  I miss my mouth and the jaw breaker hits my eye. Awesome. I’m a fucking idiot/ it hurt so badly. 

So drunk. Quickly run into this other room where the music seems to be louder. I see the body rollers. At my school, there were these girls who would dance and grind on top of each other in school like randomly at lunch in the cafeteria, in the court yard, before class with no music. They were ridicoulous. Tryna be the shit, wearing low cut tops and trying to attract any kind boy attention. They also made home videos in there basements. My friends and I would call them the body rollers. Come to think of it I didn’t even know who invited them. Anyway, I run to them and start body rolling with them. Dancing, laughing with them. I'm obviously so cool. 

Then, I ended up outside in front of the house. Many people were outside the house chillin. I see my friend (we will call him Peter) parking his car next to the house. Peter gets out and waves to me and I wave to him. As I am waving I see blue and red.

Fuck.  

I than  hear cop cars approaching. What the fuck. Freaking out because I am so drunk.  I mean I should’ve saw this happening, after looking at the under constructed  house. Obviously a neighbor would call the police telling them a bunch  of kids are in an abandoned house. 

 

I sprint in to the house. See Beyonce. Scream “COPPSSSSSSS!” She doesn’t believe me because I am drunk. Seconds, later everyone starts screaming that there are cops. Beyonce exclaims to me to follow her downstairs in to the basement where there is a door that exits to the outside. As we are going down the stairs, I push Beyonce out of the way and sprint out the door.  I mean it wasn’t like I pushed her down the stairs it was like a sudden shove. I’m sorry Beyonce again, if you are reading this! When we get out the door, me, Beyonce, and a couple other people run into another person’s backyard. Were chilling in this backyard, next to this huge bush. Apparently I told everyone to stay calm and instructed everyone were going to sleep next to this bush tonight.  I get some dirty looks from people. I also get some laughs. Beyonce was like no and said someone was going to pick us up. Were waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Suddenly, we hear all these ducks noises. Then we start seeing these ducks appearing randomly. They all congregate near this one boy from the party, we will call me Kyle. Kyle looks a bit scared. The ducks look possessed, like Kyle was their leader or something. I start laughing. Like what the fuck, so random. We all start laughing. 

It’s funny because everytime I tell that story to someone and when I get to the part about Kyle. I get hype. I always tell people he was attacked by the ducks. People tend to laugh, especially people who know him laugh because that would happen to him. 

Finally our ride comes half an hour later. Well, some ride. This massive black escalade roles up, and this girl we barely knew took us in her car. (I mean she went to our high school, and Jasmine knew her, but the rest of didn’t) In retrospect, it was really nice that she picked us up. When we got in the car, there the car was already packed. We all had to smush in the back. Where was I? I was like lying across 6 bodies that were sitting in the back. Awesome. 

We get dropped off at T Square. T Square is this area that consists of a 7 11, nail salon, a burger king, and some random other sketchy restaurants. It was kind of the hotspot for highschoolers in our town to go, after hours. A lot of asain break dancers like to dance in the parking lot. But  mostly you go there after a party, or after you smoke a lot of weed you go there to eat burger king, or if you nothing to do, you there in general. Me and Beyonce met up with Star, Sugar, and Jasmine, etc at Burger King. Beyonce notices I don’t have my black channel bag. I must of left it at the abandoned house. Awesome. It has my ID. Awesome. It smells like alcohol. 

After freaking out for an hour, Jasmine’s older sister appears with the bag in her hand. Jasmine called her to go get it from the house. I fucking love Jasmine’s sister. I take my ID out of the bag and throw the bag in the trash. Why? To be honest, I don’t remember. 

I don't even understand that night at all. All I have to say is that was actually the craziest birthday party I have ever been to. damn.

7th Grade Déjà Vu

Jesus Christ. What do I remember about junior high? Well, for me I was a metal mouth, four eyed, flat chested preteen with bad caramel highlights. Personally, I don’t like to relive it. However, I have come to notice that you cannot help but revisit this awkward episodes from junior highs school, whether you like to or not.  

Today,  woke up. Showered. Put on a grey leggings with lace shirt and blue blazer. Very cute. I was hype. I go down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast. I get breakfast and do a little reading before my classes. Now as I was eating I would get up from my chair to get napkins, spoons, salt, more bread, etc from across the cafeteria. As I would obtain these items I would feel someone staring at my booty. I turned around and yes a couple people, boys and girls were staring at the booty. I mean I was wearing tight grey leggings that probably accentuated the booty. And I would also like to point out that I have a pretty good butt, nothing crazy but nicely bubble shaped butt, at least I would like to think. Whatever, think nothing of it, sit down and eat my omelet of ham, tomato, and cheese. 

Next to my table, a girl we will call her Maddy came to sit at the table next to me. We exchange hellos and friendly banter. Me and Maddy work together, however not really close friends. After half an hour and my  a half eaten omelet later, I decide to put my  plate away and go to the bathroom. As I put my plate away I look back at Maddy and she gives me this uncomfortable look. I mean I think nothing of it, and walk across the cafeteria to go to the bathroom (mind you many people in the cafeteria at this point). When I reach the bathroom, I soon then realize no one was looking at the booty, and understood Maddy’s facial expression. 

Damn. Special stains on my grey leggings. Very visible. Very big. I would say as big as two half quarters laying next to each other.  Awesome.  I will never know how many people actually were paying attention to my grey leggings and my super cute stains.  Breathing hard, sweating profusely. I decide to wrap my blazer around my waist to cover the beautiful red artwork on my butt. Walk out. Get my stuff. Go back to my dorm quickly. Before, I left Maddy gave me a smile. She knew what’s up.  And probably everyone in that cafeteria knew whats up... or thought I shat in my pants.

Damn. Haven’t done that since… well since this similar event happened when I was in the 7^th grade. I still remember it vividly. World studies class. Wearing a brown Roxy sweatshirt with jean skirt. I distinctly remember my friend Laura asking if I sat in ketchup at lunch the period before. I nodded quickly. What a great cover up story in retrospect. I remember this was the first time I ever had my period and bled through my jean skirt. Can I just put out there that this was my 60 dollars abercrombie kids mini skirt. I was forever heart broken and couldn't wear the damn thing ever again. 

In my opinion, now that I am 19 years old I should know better than my 13 year old self... obviously not.

Also, wasn’t expecting my monthly for another two weeks. What the hell. I can’t take being surprise attacked.