Sunshine Yellow

There is this thing on campus where you where nothing but a thong and get painted with liquid latex, and they call it an art show. I did the show freshman year, and as a sophomore I was like okay I'll do it again.. what do I have to loose. Little did I know... my fucking dignity.

So the night before the show, I had to shave every inch of my body. (Everything had to be naked mole rat status because after the show when your taking the latex off your body it will hurt like a mother fucker... pulling of you hair) Last year I waxed everything, this year was a bit last minute and I shaved everything. EVERYTHING...well except my back. That's weird. So, I am in the shower for a long time obviously. I finish. I get out of the shower, wrap myself in a yellow towel, and walk back to my dorm room. Nothing crazy.

While walking back to my room, one of the dudes who lives on my hall passes by and says "hey Leah! I see you shaved!"

Oh. okay. Awesome. Oh my god. I am a ripe tomato. Oh my god. I look down to see my if my coochi was hanging out but it wasn't. I am confused at this point... thinking did he see me  in the shower?... Me looking confused. Him looking confused because I look confused. He goes "yeah, you know you shaved your mustache!"

LOL. I almost crapped in my pants. I forgot that me and a friend were goofing around the other night with fake mustaches and he saw me in with a mustache. LOL... but I almost died right their in my towel. Total misunderstanding.

Back to the real story, the show starts at 8pm. However, painting the body starts at 12pm because you are painted with layers of latex. So, I am getting naked, getting painted, etc. Now they do not paint around your crotch you paint over your thong because just in case you need to go to the bathroom. I have a huge blatter. So I told the person who was painting me: " just seal me up! paint me all!" This was around 4 pm. I tell her to do this as I am  drinking pink lemonade.

The latex artwork that covered by body was finished around 6pm.Two hours before the show. When Latex dries on the body, sometimes it can rip (like a latex condom when having kinky sex) and so when 8pm rolled around the latex started ripping slighting in areas such as my crotch, knees,and neck. Places where I would be forced to move my body in order to walk. Whatever, not a big deal, this happens to everyone.

At 815 pm, the first acts perform ( I was in the second act). As the acts were performing, I felt the urge. The urge to tinkle. Fuck my life. Fuck me for drinking lemonade.

HONESTLY.

Now, since the latex ripped in my crotch area, I thought that I could pee.

MISTAKE.

"Peed in my pants" the expression doesn't seem fit for what happened. It was more "peed in my latex."

Massive flood of pee all over me,  all over the latex on my legs and all over the bathroom floor. Good thing everyone was outside watching the acts perform, while this was happening. After, I pee on myself, (awesome)  I flip the fuck out. Not because the girls bathroom floor was a pleasant shade of sunshine yellow, but because I smelled like urine and I was about to perform on stage, and the latex was falling apart apart, and and my  naked body was seeping through.

FUCKME.sohard.

So I quickly rush out of the stall wash my hands, and grab paper towels (a massive amount) Trying to dab my latex on my legs dry,so it wouldn't fall off my body (especially on stage in front of many peers and TEACHERS). Awesome. Grabbing and dabbing was the technique I used. Latex was  ripping and I began to see my thong. fuck. I run to the boys bathroom to dry of the pee on me. In retrospect, I don't know why I ran to the other bathroom. At this point, hyper ventilating begins, me breathing slowly and deeply.

I then go back in to the room I was painted in and start repainting my crotch ASAP. However, it would not be dry in time for the second act. So, what  do I do?

I fucking blow dried my vagina like it was my job with some rando's blow dryer so the latex could dry.Yeah (and it didn't have the cool button). So my VAG was on fiya for like 10 minutes.

HAM=me.

I think the show went well at least? No one mentioned the smell of urine on stage.

Hot Ass Mess

So I was into my second semester of my freshman year, chillen. Getting the hang of my university (…well surdove). So I was coming back from dinner with some friends off campus, and went on a university bus, which is a bus that takes you into town and back to campus. So, me and some friends are on the this bus and see other mutual friends. They say hi, and I get introduced to this guy named … we’ll call him Matt. So, me and matt hit it off, I get my flirt on, nothing crazy though. When we arrived on campus, my friends and I were dropped off where my dorms were, and say goodbye the mutual friends and Matt. I was like whatever, never going to see him again. 

So wrong. 

That night we end up going to this party off campus. Before, I continue I would like to add that my best friend from home was visiting me, Star. 

So we get to this party and my girls and I were dancing, drinking have a good time… Then  I see Matt there. We end up dancing… whatever. We end up hooking up…whatever. (Do not judge by choices under the influence.)  So we continue to dance, and my friend Star is dancing all alone and I feel bad…and I tell this Matt. He goes “oh lemme get my boy, Craig.” Next thing you know Craig and Star are going at it. Can I also say Star lied and told Craig and everyone else at the party she was 22 and goes to Harvard University. They believed her. Fucking ridiculous, honestly.

Then  me and Matt make conversation while dancing…  like where are you from, what are you doing later tonight, and what year are you? So, I begin to tell him I am a freshman. He responds saying he is a prefresh. 

Honestly. 

Okay in retrospect, I don’t feel like a pedophile because he technically was a just a year younger, but HONESTLY. He was still in high school. Damn. If you saw someone on campus, you would just assume they went to your university ..awesome.  

Party ends. We are going back to my dorms. I'm drunk and mortified. Star has her tongue down Craig’s throat. I’m trying to get Matt and Craig off my balls, so I could go to bed, honestly. So we go to my friends dorm, we’ll call him Max. We go Max’s dorm, and me, Star, Matt, and Craig are just chillen. Matt needs to go to the bathroom.  I quickly tell Max what my dilemma is so he can tell Matt and Craig to go home and stop trying to get it in, because it wasn’t going to happen. I personally am not a confrontational person so I wanted Max to do it.  Matt quickly comes in all flustered, telling everyone in the room “dude this guy is getting it in with a girl in the shower, while I was pissing!... he’s the fuckin man” Were all like oh damn. Five minutes later Max’s roommate and Lauren (one of my good friends in college now) come into the dorm from the shower with towels on. Honestly. 

So then Max is like “oh the girls are sleeping here tonight.” Matt and Craig get the idea and leave. Then, me, Max, and Star decide to do facemasks after a long night. 

Lets fast forward to this year, I am now a sophomore. Matt ends up coming to this school. Awesome. Huge rager on campus.  I go. My ex roommate and I are dancing and we bump into Matt, which apparently everyone is friends with him. So  I was like I’ll just force myself not to be awkward… Good thing I was not sober that night. 

We end up dancing….

We end up hooking up…

I hook up with one of my friends…

We all hook up at the same time…

I was really drunk. Might I add that I don’t drink this much anymore, because of choices like that. AKA good thing 4lokos are illegal. 

I see Matt sports rings on his fingers. Like man rings or something. First person, I have ever hookuped with who were man rings. He lets me where one, and explains that it was given to him to by his ex girlfriend and the ring means a lot to him. 

After that night , Matt texts me wanted to get dinner and and shit like that, trying to make something more the hookup.  And, to be honest, I was into something else. Nothing personal to Matt, but  the heart wants what it wants. 

He finally stops texting me and gets the point that I’m not into it. He asks for his ring back via text. 

Why do I lose the ring?

Honestly, why am I such a doushe?  

 I don’t respond to him thinking, the ring might pop up somewhere like in my room or in my backpack. He then proceeds to facebook message, call me and leave messages about the ring. 

Andddddd, well I finally just tell him that I lost the ring…. Yeah.

Leah= HAM

Can we also talk about today I was sprinting up a huge hill in front of my dorms, late for a meeting, and trip on my show, and do a superman layout. Honestly. HAM. 

Can we also talk about I have had lost 11 university id cards. Each id card cost ten dollars. HAM.