WANNABE SWAG

When we are with our significant other, someone we like, or someone we have a crush on... we want to impress them, we want to to have swag.

Obviously, I am a wannabe.

Totally hate people who have charisma and swag.

2 hours ago.

Me and Betha brushing our teeth in bathroom. Me running to my room. Me trying to have swag. Me in a rush. Me trying to make funny faces, while I walk backwards to impress Bertha who is still brushing her teeth. Me about to walkout of the bathroom entrance. Me trip over a 4 foot fire extinguisher.


Me now have a huge bruise on left knee. Totally awesome, like omg.

In retrospect, questions surface. Why was there a huge 4 foot extinguisher in the middle of the door entrance to the bathroom...? Why did I not notice that before when I entered the bathroom?

Note* this wannabe swag can be seen also if your really attractive, delicious, goodlooking, beautiful or yoos a sexy bitch. Probably,wont be able to talk to you. You will hear soft mumbles coming from my mouth. OR me say something quickly, give you a dirty look... and run away.

Daily Strugglin'

Stop Sippin that Haterade

I know that some people have thought that maybe certain blog posts have been about them.  So, I’m really sorry if you feel upset or offended.  But my blog is just an outlet to my creativity.  I’ve just been honest with how I feel and am voicing the adventures of my life.  And I have every right to do that:  the first amendment says so.  Shout outs to the founding fathers of America. That being said, there’s a reason I keep everything anonymous and give people fake names.  This is so no one knows who is who.  No one will figure it out.  And if you think they have, you can assure them of the law of large numbers.  You can be sure it’s not about you. Don’t flatter yourself.

oh my god, she's gonna have a bitch fit!

I’d like to think that I’m a nice person. However sometimes, I can throw a bitch fit. Usually it's when I’m jealous, stressed, do not get what I want, lack of sleep, bad mood, and especially when I’m trying to get somewhere  and the doushe in front of me is walking SO slow. Seriously, can’t handle it… get out of my way. But when creating a bitch fit there is always karma. Karma always nips you in the butt… and this is my story: 

At the airport. Going back to school after a long seven day spring day break. Wasn’t in the best mood…  was kind fighting with my parents about stuff. But for good reason. So I am at the gate, waiting to board.

Background info: Now I fly on Southwest Airlines and Southwest assigns each person a number to board the plane, so like if you have the number 1-30 you board first, and if you have 30-60 you board last. All passengers line up in number order. The great thing about Southwest is that they assign you a number to when you can get on the plane, but doesn’t assign you to any particular seat on the plane. You can choose where you want to sit. So obviously, if you have a lower, number you have a better seat, or a seat you want.

When in line, waiting to board the plane, and this very tall, skinny, long haired, indie, urban outfitters wearing, probably in college, girl slowly comes up to me. Let me remind you that I was in a very vulnerable state at this time. 

So she stops, and says “oh what number do you have.." and points to her ticket

And I say “um… well it doesn’t really matter what number I have, and I really don’t know” and then I turned the other way like an asshole.

I really don't know what came over me.... I don’t know what my though process was at the time… like I probably thought she wanted to go in front of me in line or something.  But HELL NO. I wanted a seat next to the window, so I could sleep and forget about my problems with my parents. 

She gives me a look and walks away. I get on the plane, fly back, and then arrive back on campus. Whatever. Okay, so at that point when I arrived back in my dorms, I did feel bad. And I just took it out on that poor girl. Fuck.

So that very night, I had a club meeting. The meeting begins and everyone in this huge circle of about 30 people. WHY IS THAT SAME GIRL I SAW AT THE AIRPORT at the meeting? Oh my god,she goes to my school. Oh my god, I am fucking idiot. At that point, I was like this isn’t happening, what the hell. That would happen.

So, it’s the beginning of the meeting and the club is holding board elections for next semester, and this girl is running for one of the spots on board like secretary or something. I’m on board. Awkward. I have never seen her in my life. I am just so caught off guard by the whole thing. At the end of the meeting, I come up to her and say hello. (I didn’t know what to do?.. honestly didn't know what to do) Hey what’s up… remember me the asshole at the airport. I mean she was perfectly fine, nice and polite. We quickly chatted about how we live in the same hometown, and how we both go to the same university. Small World.

Yup. That’s cool. 

Karma’s a bitch. 

I’m a bitch. (sometimes)

Fuck me.

I mean I see her time to time because she is a sophomore like me, so she eats in the same cafeterias like me and probably lives in the same dorms as me.  When I see her I smile and after she walks by I do a self slap across the face. Honestly. till this day, I don’t really know if she took that offensively, but I think she did. I would. I’m so sorry if you reading this!

Baby Boy Feat. Sean and Paul

(So the contents of this blog post will be better understood if you have read the High School Hotties Blog Post explaining my spitting on boys catastrophe. More of the older blog posts anyway are more.. let's just say flavorful,  And when I mean flavorful, I mean awkward, uneasy and embarrassing.)

So this post goes out to another boy that I had like a thing with in high school, and we will call him Sean. Sean was this super cute, super awkward, supper skinny, pot smoking boy, who I met by mutual friends.  I thought it was endearing that he was so awkward… and mumbled his words a lot. He had this kind of Bostonian accent, however he is not from Boston. Also, I have a thing for accents. boston, english, spanish, english accents... like em all.

We met over the summer, started texting, and decided to go on a movie date. He picks me up in his car (at that moment I had never felt so cliché in my life… honestly ... he picks me up in my car, we see a movie,  and then smoke some pot). I was so nervous, and thank god I was wearing a black bubble dress, because he would've seen my real cute sweat stains. Let’s be honest, I'm like a sweating machine.

So were at this movie, aka the worst movie in the world. I t was suppose to be scary… but it ended up being stupid. And I am one to be scared of actual scary movies. But this movie was like dog poop.

Random Fact:  My friends dragged me to a haunted forest, on Halloween one year,  where you walk around in this dark forest, and scary things pop out and people with chain saws come after you. So I go, and my partner was Jasmine,and we walk to together in the forest, and all of a sudden the grudge girl pops out. (I am terrified over the grudge girl. Saw it in movie theaters with Roxy and had to run out of the movies theaters halfway through the movie) We obviously have to get passed this grudge girl. In panic, what do I do? I shove Jasmine on to grudge girl and run away frantically, screaming "no, you will not get me!"

Back to the story with Sean, so were watching this lame movie… I’m dying because I am so bored. I’m like leaning my head over onto his shoulder, hinting. So after a supposedly scary scene, I turn my head to tell him how not scary that scene was… and he literally grabs my face and shoves his mouth onto mine. He was basically playing snake with my mouth. Awesome. Having a German Sheppard slobber all over me wasso much fun. I was so flustered that I begin talking while his mouth was suctioned to mine, letting out the words like “oh okay, um okay, oh, um, okay”. Then after a good 3 minutes, he stops, I stop. We both continue watching the movie like nothing happened.  

After that,,  I went to camp and kind of texted him for a while and then just kinda stopped. 

When I got back to school, after that summer, I was awkward and he was awkward about it. So obviously,  we both pretended like we didn’t know each other when we walked down the hallways in our high school. And when I mean both of us, I mean just me, not acknowledging his presence. My b. Okay, so yes it might seem like I am an asshole, but in actuality I am just so fucking awkward. Couldn't handle the pressure. Sean is not the first boy I have done that to…. my bad.  

I mean after that I saw him at a couple of parties… whatever. 

Fast forward to the summer after graduating high school, Star and I were coming back from seeing Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center in DC, and we were really thirsty. So, we went to the  711 nearby my house to pick up some slurpies. Slurpies are the fucking shit. You can win my heart with a pina colada delicious ice cold slurpie! We get our delicious slurpies and we go back into my car, and as were driving off…. Guess who pulls up into 711… Sean and his best friend ….let’s call him Paul. So of course as were driving away, me and Star were like… lol… awkward… and Star was like “let's go back and say hi.” Of course, Star would recommend that. She loves awkward situations, especially when they have to do with me. SO…Star was like lets go back…and I was like…. well since we graduated, I would probably never see Sean again so what the hell. Also, our little thing was so long ago… and I needed to stop being so awkward. 

We drive back to 711, Sean and Paul were still still buying… well if I would have to guess it would be chips, slurpies, and some rolling paper.  Me and Star nonchalantly walk into 711 again, we see them. They see us. I begin to feel queasy. Awesome. They come up to us, say hey… Paul asks us about how our summer is going. Sean is not saying anything. I’m barely saying anything…. 

All of sudden, again, I don’t know what comes over me but a huge wet, ball of spit was cultivating in my mouth, because I was that uncomfortable. I just can’t control my drool… and spit all over Paul. For no apparent reason. ( I mean clearly, it was because I was so nervous). All over his cargo shorts. I then to proceed to run across the 711 to the gum section which was in the back. I hide there until they leave.

Star is uncontrollably laughing. 

 I hate myself. 

Me and Sean have mutual friends so inevitably we started talking as friends, and inevitably became acquaintances during the rest of the summer. 

Honestly though. 

Months pass,  I met up with him and decided to give it another go. We went on a dinner date, and then went back to his house to watch a “movie”.  Lets talk about that. 

During dinner…

Sean:  I was talking to my mom about you and your school and my mom told me you go to an ivy league Jewish school

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it was ivy league… but its only like Jewish affiliated.

Sean:  oh…  that sucks.. I wouldn’t want to go to a jew school.  I wouldn’t wanna go there…. Have fun with that

Me: oh… okay. 

Rude. But OKAY. My IQ slowly melts when we change the subject.

Me:  So, I know that your Jewish but what is your ethnicity

Sean: wait, what

Me: Like where are you from?

Sean:  here..?

Me: no where are you parents from like before America… like your roots ?

Sean: umm… idk… my parents and I don’t really talk about that stuff.  We do really fun stuff together…  there cool parents and we don’t talk about stuff like that  

Honestly. Did those words really come out of your mouth? Like how do you not know where you come from, your roots, your background… and how can you not be curious. The conversation doesn’t get any better after this. 

Sean: Yeah, I like drinking a lot.

His cell rings. He gets a text message. Reads the text during dinner.

Sean: Oh it’s just my ex girlfriend. She is so annoying. Like always wants me back... but yeah.

Me: Oh... that’s cool.

Sean: yeah, since I broke up with her… she like gets naked in front of all my friends to get attention. But like yeah, no big deal … she’s so annoying.

That is always what a girl likes to hear. Always.

After dinner we head back to his house in the basement to watch a movie. We sit on the couch. He decides to flip through channels on the television. He stops at the discovery channel. Why are we watching an episode about people touring Israel, seeing men and women praying at the Western Wall? Then he goes… “oh isn’t this what your into?”  In my mind, I was like are you serious? Is this forreal? Just because I go to a jewish affiliated university doesn’t mean  that I like all things nice and Hebrew. 

Later, we start hooking up and literally halfway through… I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dinner conversations. I was like…. “could you just  like take me home?”

Honestly. Like you will not stay on my mind and will never fulfill my fantasies.  Like damn.

Go Green!

Summer time, when the living is easy. I have really close friends from home, and when I come back from college, I am always super ecstatic to see them. When I mean super ecstatic, I mean get really drunk. 

I snipe some whiskey and Jack Daniel’s from my dad’s stash and my friends and I start pre gaming at my house.  Some girl from high school is having a party at her college apartment about an hour away. We go.  We bring mixed drinks in recycled canteens, cups and mugs, that I have at my house and put them one of those eco friendly bags... you know the one’s you put your groceries in, instead of plastic bags. We get into Sugar’s car, continuing to drink. My mindset at this point was schools over, I’m at home for the summer, lets get fucked up. 

We get to the party, and it basically like a blast from the past, people from high school. Summary of the events that happened at the party:

•  Drunk pictures
• Sugar hookups with her ex boyfriend’s best friend
•   Star plays beer bong and looses
•  I’m really drunk
•  Beyonce is flirting with random boys 
•   I keep drinking

Obviously, the good shit happens after we leave the party. So, the girl who was throwing the party forgot to tell her roommates  about the party.... so obviously they were pissed…  and party shuts down. We all leave. We drive back and decide we want to go get some burger king.

However, as were driving home, I don’t feel good and begin to get flustered. 

I think you know what happen’s next…

I start dragooning in Sugar’s car. In retrospect, not surprised. Sugar, again I am so sorry, I was just so happy to see my biddies back home! Anyway, Star is like “throw up in the eco friendly bag, dude!” So she puts the bag in between her legs and my face is in her crotch, vomiting, nice chunks of my dinner. So ironic, especially because I am an environmental studies major.  Star later admits to me the next day, she felt like vomiting as well when I was vomiting into the bag…. and it took her all her might not to vomit on me. Damn. That would have been a fucking shit show. It would be like 2 girls, 1 cup... but not. 

We finally get to burger king.  I stopped my  vomiting. We get out of the car. Why am I undressing my clothes in the bk parking lot? Why are some of the guys from the party driving into the burger king parking lot? Perfect timing. 

Fast forward, so were driving back to my house, so we can all pass out. We all walk to my door, me holding my  own vomit in an eco friendly bag. Walking up to  the door to my house… feel all kinds of queasy. Didn’t make it to the bathroom in my house, and dragoned all over the welcome mat in front of my door, giving the entrance of my home a nice creamy, green soupy decoration at 3 in the morning. Delish. How convenient and again, ironic, the color was a beautiful shade of green.

(So, if  you have read the family fun blog post, you will hear this again)

The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”

Honestly.

Hot Ass Mess

So I was into my second semester of my freshman year, chillen. Getting the hang of my university (…well surdove). So I was coming back from dinner with some friends off campus, and went on a university bus, which is a bus that takes you into town and back to campus. So, me and some friends are on the this bus and see other mutual friends. They say hi, and I get introduced to this guy named … we’ll call him Matt. So, me and matt hit it off, I get my flirt on, nothing crazy though. When we arrived on campus, my friends and I were dropped off where my dorms were, and say goodbye the mutual friends and Matt. I was like whatever, never going to see him again. 

So wrong. 

That night we end up going to this party off campus. Before, I continue I would like to add that my best friend from home was visiting me, Star. 

So we get to this party and my girls and I were dancing, drinking have a good time… Then  I see Matt there. We end up dancing… whatever. We end up hooking up…whatever. (Do not judge by choices under the influence.)  So we continue to dance, and my friend Star is dancing all alone and I feel bad…and I tell this Matt. He goes “oh lemme get my boy, Craig.” Next thing you know Craig and Star are going at it. Can I also say Star lied and told Craig and everyone else at the party she was 22 and goes to Harvard University. They believed her. Fucking ridiculous, honestly.

Then  me and Matt make conversation while dancing…  like where are you from, what are you doing later tonight, and what year are you? So, I begin to tell him I am a freshman. He responds saying he is a prefresh. 

Honestly. 

Okay in retrospect, I don’t feel like a pedophile because he technically was a just a year younger, but HONESTLY. He was still in high school. Damn. If you saw someone on campus, you would just assume they went to your university ..awesome.  

Party ends. We are going back to my dorms. I'm drunk and mortified. Star has her tongue down Craig’s throat. I’m trying to get Matt and Craig off my balls, so I could go to bed, honestly. So we go to my friends dorm, we’ll call him Max. We go Max’s dorm, and me, Star, Matt, and Craig are just chillen. Matt needs to go to the bathroom.  I quickly tell Max what my dilemma is so he can tell Matt and Craig to go home and stop trying to get it in, because it wasn’t going to happen. I personally am not a confrontational person so I wanted Max to do it.  Matt quickly comes in all flustered, telling everyone in the room “dude this guy is getting it in with a girl in the shower, while I was pissing!... he’s the fuckin man” Were all like oh damn. Five minutes later Max’s roommate and Lauren (one of my good friends in college now) come into the dorm from the shower with towels on. Honestly. 

So then Max is like “oh the girls are sleeping here tonight.” Matt and Craig get the idea and leave. Then, me, Max, and Star decide to do facemasks after a long night. 

Lets fast forward to this year, I am now a sophomore. Matt ends up coming to this school. Awesome. Huge rager on campus.  I go. My ex roommate and I are dancing and we bump into Matt, which apparently everyone is friends with him. So  I was like I’ll just force myself not to be awkward… Good thing I was not sober that night. 

We end up dancing….

We end up hooking up…

I hook up with one of my friends…

We all hook up at the same time…

I was really drunk. Might I add that I don’t drink this much anymore, because of choices like that. AKA good thing 4lokos are illegal. 

I see Matt sports rings on his fingers. Like man rings or something. First person, I have ever hookuped with who were man rings. He lets me where one, and explains that it was given to him to by his ex girlfriend and the ring means a lot to him. 

After that night , Matt texts me wanted to get dinner and and shit like that, trying to make something more the hookup.  And, to be honest, I was into something else. Nothing personal to Matt, but  the heart wants what it wants. 

He finally stops texting me and gets the point that I’m not into it. He asks for his ring back via text. 

Why do I lose the ring?

Honestly, why am I such a doushe?  

 I don’t respond to him thinking, the ring might pop up somewhere like in my room or in my backpack. He then proceeds to facebook message, call me and leave messages about the ring. 

Andddddd, well I finally just tell him that I lost the ring…. Yeah.

Leah= HAM

Can we also talk about today I was sprinting up a huge hill in front of my dorms, late for a meeting, and trip on my show, and do a superman layout. Honestly. HAM. 

Can we also talk about I have had lost 11 university id cards. Each id card cost ten dollars. HAM.

Just Another Day

My life is awesome. so so awesome.

In order to understand this post you must read: 7th Grade Déjà Vu.

I go to the gym religiously everyday at school. Today I do the Elliptical for 30. Then I decide to do some ab work. Doing abs. See Maddy. Me and Maddy chat, nothing too interesting. As we are chatting, I am also doing abs while in the middle of conversation... I let one rip. Coolness. One big rip. We both continue having conversation nonchalantly. Honestly. Maddy probably thinks I am the most disgusting person in the world. Not only for this, but for what happened the last time.

Walking back from class to my dorm with 2 friends. We are about to cross the street. I trip over some broken rocks on the edge of a sidewalk. I wonder if my clumsy behavior was innate or was learned behavior growing up as a child. My two friends were laughing obviously. I mean it was kind of funny.  Minutes later, I look to my left. Why are professors walking and professors in a car, hysterically laughing at me? Awesome.

Later I proceed to dance in my room alone naked. Act like you don't do this when you are alone. I have great big windows in my dorm. This was at night so the windows acts like mirrors. I am dancing, a little booty popping to the music of Sexy Can I by Ray J and  I notice that my arms went from muscular and lean to putty. It's obvious that I have been slackin in the gym department over break which was last week. I'm flipping out because I gained like the fresh 15 times 2 last year (fr those of you who don't know math that's 30 pounds) and just lost all of it recently. Once you loose your blubber, you obviously don't want it back.

What do I do?

Run.

So I literally run downstairs to the bathroom, because my friend Lorie was showering. I was telling her about my arms, while she was still in the shower. Flipping out. Looking in the bathroom mirror. Pacing back and forth, like fucking a retard. Honestly. It's like the saying "Once you go black, you can never go back." But in Fatness. Also,  fun fact... that statement ("once you black...") is not true, whatsoever.

So I'm pacing whining to Lorie, hyperventilating, and thinking of new arm exercises for tomorrow's trip at the gym. Lorie finally comes out of the shower and sees my arms. She exclaims we will work on arms together. We exit that bathroom and proceed to go back into her room. To go to her room, we pass this open living room space with windows and couches (or lounge area). We pass the windows (again, it was night during this time, so the windows acted like a mirror) and I stop and look at my arms and say what the fuck. I didn't notice at first but we accidentally woke up this boy who was just sleeping in lounge area. My complaing and loud voice probably awoken him. I go to Lorie's room. We chat. Leave to go back to my room. As I go back to my room, I have to pass the lounge area again. This boy is still there. Doing homework in the lounge. Right when I was about to exit the lounge, he says my name. I go back in to the room. Now he sitting upright on the couch says... "Leah... you look great" with this serious face. Like your mom reassuring your senior year book photo is beautiful and months later when the senior year portrait yearbook photo comes out, you actually have to die a little when your yearbook senior portrait  looks different than everyone elses.My senior year book portrait was enlarged so my head in the picture was 20 times bigger than everyone elses head in thier yearbook pictures. Lets not get into that. Anyways.

 I'm uncomfortable at this point. "You look great, you have nothing to worry about." I just died. I just responded: "okay. bye" and quickly ran to my room. Lets quickly recap:

A) kind of rude to not say thank you or acknowledge his compliment
B) his roommate is mildly attractive and is probably going to tell him
C) I later came to the conclusion that he heard my whole flipping out story to Lorie in the bathroom, considering it is right next to the lounge.
D) Obviously he was not sleeping  
E) I look like one of this crazy aneroxic bitches
E 1/2) This boy probably thought I was crazy because I was wearing my sofee shorts above my belly button with a vintage nike tshirt tucked it. Tell me why I am a grandma.
F) I'm a fucking idiot.

I mean the whole thing was really nice... but really embarrassing. Keep in mind I don't really know this boy. He knows my name and is friends with Lorie.. that's about it.

Just another day in life of Leah.... fuck me.