Baby Boy Feat. Sean and Paul

(So the contents of this blog post will be better understood if you have read the High School Hotties Blog Post explaining my spitting on boys catastrophe. More of the older blog posts anyway are more.. let's just say flavorful,  And when I mean flavorful, I mean awkward, uneasy and embarrassing.)

So this post goes out to another boy that I had like a thing with in high school, and we will call him Sean. Sean was this super cute, super awkward, supper skinny, pot smoking boy, who I met by mutual friends.  I thought it was endearing that he was so awkward… and mumbled his words a lot. He had this kind of Bostonian accent, however he is not from Boston. Also, I have a thing for accents. boston, english, spanish, english accents... like em all.

We met over the summer, started texting, and decided to go on a movie date. He picks me up in his car (at that moment I had never felt so cliché in my life… honestly ... he picks me up in my car, we see a movie,  and then smoke some pot). I was so nervous, and thank god I was wearing a black bubble dress, because he would've seen my real cute sweat stains. Let’s be honest, I'm like a sweating machine.

So were at this movie, aka the worst movie in the world. I t was suppose to be scary… but it ended up being stupid. And I am one to be scared of actual scary movies. But this movie was like dog poop.

Random Fact:  My friends dragged me to a haunted forest, on Halloween one year,  where you walk around in this dark forest, and scary things pop out and people with chain saws come after you. So I go, and my partner was Jasmine,and we walk to together in the forest, and all of a sudden the grudge girl pops out. (I am terrified over the grudge girl. Saw it in movie theaters with Roxy and had to run out of the movies theaters halfway through the movie) We obviously have to get passed this grudge girl. In panic, what do I do? I shove Jasmine on to grudge girl and run away frantically, screaming "no, you will not get me!"

Back to the story with Sean, so were watching this lame movie… I’m dying because I am so bored. I’m like leaning my head over onto his shoulder, hinting. So after a supposedly scary scene, I turn my head to tell him how not scary that scene was… and he literally grabs my face and shoves his mouth onto mine. He was basically playing snake with my mouth. Awesome. Having a German Sheppard slobber all over me wasso much fun. I was so flustered that I begin talking while his mouth was suctioned to mine, letting out the words like “oh okay, um okay, oh, um, okay”. Then after a good 3 minutes, he stops, I stop. We both continue watching the movie like nothing happened.  

After that,,  I went to camp and kind of texted him for a while and then just kinda stopped. 

When I got back to school, after that summer, I was awkward and he was awkward about it. So obviously,  we both pretended like we didn’t know each other when we walked down the hallways in our high school. And when I mean both of us, I mean just me, not acknowledging his presence. My b. Okay, so yes it might seem like I am an asshole, but in actuality I am just so fucking awkward. Couldn't handle the pressure. Sean is not the first boy I have done that to…. my bad.  

I mean after that I saw him at a couple of parties… whatever. 

Fast forward to the summer after graduating high school, Star and I were coming back from seeing Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center in DC, and we were really thirsty. So, we went to the  711 nearby my house to pick up some slurpies. Slurpies are the fucking shit. You can win my heart with a pina colada delicious ice cold slurpie! We get our delicious slurpies and we go back into my car, and as were driving off…. Guess who pulls up into 711… Sean and his best friend ….let’s call him Paul. So of course as were driving away, me and Star were like… lol… awkward… and Star was like “let's go back and say hi.” Of course, Star would recommend that. She loves awkward situations, especially when they have to do with me. SO…Star was like lets go back…and I was like…. well since we graduated, I would probably never see Sean again so what the hell. Also, our little thing was so long ago… and I needed to stop being so awkward. 

We drive back to 711, Sean and Paul were still still buying… well if I would have to guess it would be chips, slurpies, and some rolling paper.  Me and Star nonchalantly walk into 711 again, we see them. They see us. I begin to feel queasy. Awesome. They come up to us, say hey… Paul asks us about how our summer is going. Sean is not saying anything. I’m barely saying anything…. 

All of sudden, again, I don’t know what comes over me but a huge wet, ball of spit was cultivating in my mouth, because I was that uncomfortable. I just can’t control my drool… and spit all over Paul. For no apparent reason. ( I mean clearly, it was because I was so nervous). All over his cargo shorts. I then to proceed to run across the 711 to the gum section which was in the back. I hide there until they leave.

Star is uncontrollably laughing. 

 I hate myself. 

Me and Sean have mutual friends so inevitably we started talking as friends, and inevitably became acquaintances during the rest of the summer. 

Honestly though. 

Months pass,  I met up with him and decided to give it another go. We went on a dinner date, and then went back to his house to watch a “movie”.  Lets talk about that. 

During dinner…

Sean:  I was talking to my mom about you and your school and my mom told me you go to an ivy league Jewish school

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it was ivy league… but its only like Jewish affiliated.

Sean:  oh…  that sucks.. I wouldn’t want to go to a jew school.  I wouldn’t wanna go there…. Have fun with that

Me: oh… okay. 

Rude. But OKAY. My IQ slowly melts when we change the subject.

Me:  So, I know that your Jewish but what is your ethnicity

Sean: wait, what

Me: Like where are you from?

Sean:  here..?

Me: no where are you parents from like before America… like your roots ?

Sean: umm… idk… my parents and I don’t really talk about that stuff.  We do really fun stuff together…  there cool parents and we don’t talk about stuff like that  

Honestly. Did those words really come out of your mouth? Like how do you not know where you come from, your roots, your background… and how can you not be curious. The conversation doesn’t get any better after this. 

Sean: Yeah, I like drinking a lot.

His cell rings. He gets a text message. Reads the text during dinner.

Sean: Oh it’s just my ex girlfriend. She is so annoying. Like always wants me back... but yeah.

Me: Oh... that’s cool.

Sean: yeah, since I broke up with her… she like gets naked in front of all my friends to get attention. But like yeah, no big deal … she’s so annoying.

That is always what a girl likes to hear. Always.

After dinner we head back to his house in the basement to watch a movie. We sit on the couch. He decides to flip through channels on the television. He stops at the discovery channel. Why are we watching an episode about people touring Israel, seeing men and women praying at the Western Wall? Then he goes… “oh isn’t this what your into?”  In my mind, I was like are you serious? Is this forreal? Just because I go to a jewish affiliated university doesn’t mean  that I like all things nice and Hebrew. 

Later, we start hooking up and literally halfway through… I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dinner conversations. I was like…. “could you just  like take me home?”

Honestly. Like you will not stay on my mind and will never fulfill my fantasies.  Like damn.

Weed Sisters

So apparently, there is some sort of etiquette when it comes to the Mary Jane. Yes, etiquette. There are rules when using/handling the illegal substances. For example, if someone smokes you up for free one day, you smoke them up for free another day. If you ask someone for a lighter, you offer them to smoke with you. If you are selling something that is laced, you should probably tell the person. However, there are 3 more important things you should know. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way/ so did my friends.

The first time I smoked was with a bong with my neighbor and her friend. We went to chill in her backyard.  She had a bong. The three of us took turns. It went my neighbor, her friend, me, me, her friend, me, my neighbor, me, her friend, my neighbor, me, me, her friend, me. They both clearly wanted to see me high. After like 82130912310899 hits, obviously I got fucked up, staring into the clouds. I specifically remember the clouds. I also remember my neighbor speaking in a British accent. My neighbor’s brother comes outside and smiles says “damn, its your first time… jealous” Yeah, I’m fucking awesome. He leaves. 5 minutes later, I am bending over in her backyard throwing up yellow mango chunks. (from this delicious mango smoothie, earlier that day). My neighbor than had to hose down the backyard, while I was eating my heart out in her kitchen.

So I’m with Nathan (See Obsessions of a Teenage Girl Post), Jasmine, and this other dude... we will call him Max. In this park. To be honest, I don’t remember why we were there or how we got there but we were chilling in this park. At night. We are all laying in the grass. Chillen. Nathan suddenly goes, lets get high. We all quickly said yes… Nathan usually smoked us up for free. Me and Jasmine didn’t mind. I mean me and Jasmine weren’t really that experienced, I mean we’ve both smoked before but not to the extent of Nathan and Max. Big fans of the mary jane. Nathan whips out the bag of weed, so casually and carefully inserts it into his pipe. He then turns to me to take the first hit. Again, I don’t know what comes over me. But, as he is about to light the weed on fire, I sneeze. A big, sloppy, sexy sneeze. The weed then flys out of his piece and all over the grass we were sitting on. Nathan stares at me. Max gives me the evil eye. Max says “really…?” Jasmine starts laughing. Nathan looks like he about to cry at this point. I suddenly exclaim “I’m SOSOsososo sorry!” More angry stares and angry grunts were exchanged. Well, after that lets just says, things were a bit awkward. I mean even though I just wasted some apparently good weed, Max bought more, and we smoked.  Nathan, was very careful, putting his hand over the weed just in case another sneeze was coming up. I told him it this was a ‘learning experience’ for me. Nathan didn’t find it funny. When we were high, me and Jasmine dubbed each other weed sisters (yeah, I pretty cool in high school). We danced around the park screaming we were the Weed Sisters that night. Weed sister fo life.

Another time, me, Nathan, and Sugar were hot boxing in Nathan’s car. Nathan pulls out this huge heavy glass contraption. He later tells us it’s called a bubbler… he said it wasn’t really harsh on the throat. I was excited because I’m a cougher. Nathan takes the first hit. This bubbler was like glass, and inside there was a good amount of water and made bubbles when you sucked into the contraption. Sugar was in the passenger seat, so Nathan gives her the second hit. Sugar holds it. Sugar drops it. A huge thump noise is made in between Sugars legs. The weed spilled all over his car. The water all over his car. At this point, all of us in the car are so shocked and I’m worried for Sugar that the bubbler broke into a million pieces. Nathan stares at bubbler. He takes it in for a minute. He then says “no. it’s over,” while shaking his head in disappointment.  Sugar bends down to get the bubbler. She didn’t break it. Nathan still upset. Nathan then drops all of us at my house, without smoking us up. Get to my house. We all burst out laughing. I mean Sugar isn’t even the clumsy type. Hysterical.

What have we learned here today?

No vomiting, No sneezing, and No breaking valuable glass contraptions that get you really fucked up, while handling grass.

That's alright, That's okay, Youre gonna pump my gas someday

The setting of this story is in the 301, my senior year of high school. Already got into college, second semester. Not really serious or looking for anything serious at this point because I was going to go to college and where I could meet a buffet of college hotties. But ya know, I had my eye on this boy (remind you I say boy, and not man). He was a year younger than me and was a bit adolescent looking. He was cute, like I  ride on skateboards, wear beanies, go surfing, sport vans type thing. He was also one of my friend's brother... that's awkward. Never actually hit it. We will call him Vince.

I also had the sexiest car (and I still do). It is this '91 grey Honda with white stretch marks. It also likes to holler at boys with its noisy muffler.  The reason why I had this sex mobile was because I totaled my Red Jeep the year before. Yeah, I was fucking champ. Anyway, because me totaling my car, after that my dad was too afraid to let me pump my own gas. He was like you might light the car and yourself on fire, which was probably true at the time.

However. One day, I'm driving, and  I'm like running out of gas... fuck my life. My father did not prepare for this day. However, my car was about to die in the middle of road, so I pulled in to a gas station close to home. Get out of the car. Look around. No one I saw I thought friendly enough to lend me a hand. Me looking at the gas pump. Me looking at me car. Attempting to open the gas nozzler on my car. Attempting for 15 minutes.  Called my dad and asked him how to open the gas nozzle on the car. Honestly, I would have never guessed there was a button inside the car to open the gas nozzle.

Anyway, I grab the gas pump. Gas everywhere. It starts over flooding everywhere on the floor, on my clothes. Waterfalls of gas. Me sweating. Me freaking out. I look up, I see Vince staring at me at another gas pump. Then, he was staring at the huge puddle of gas beneath me. Me trying to keep cool. Me trying to act like I know what I'm doing. Me putting the gas pump in the gas nozzle. The gas isn't going in the nozzle. Torrential downpour of gas. Vince leaves with his car quickly (perhaps he wanted to get the fuck outta there before I blew up the gas station). I run into the gas station. "JUAN (that was what I read on his id tag) help, gas, everywhere!" Runs out, I follow him. He did something magical with gas nozzle: he first stopped the gas from flooding and pumped my gas for me. Thanked Juan for this help. I stare at the puddles of gas on my car, around my car, and on my clothes. Get in my car. Leave the premises.

For the next couple of weeks, I had Juan help me pump my gas and teach me how to pump my gas. It was a great relationship... until he hit on me. Then, I just stopped going to that gas station. 

Yeah, and Vince, well after that episode, he just makes fun of me... "GAS WAS EVERY WHEREEE"

Obsessions of a Teenage Girl

One of my best friends from home, Jasmine (see Biddies Back Home post) has had a crush on this dude since the 7^th grade. We will call him Alejandro. Smoothe, slick, skinny but built, and extra good looking.  Not really my cup of tea, but I have to admit he was hot like mexico. He had swag that made my friend jasmine go crazy. But actually. Alejandro consumes Jasmine. I have never met anyone so devoted to one person, so crazy about one person. I love you and if you are reading this, you were (and I’m still debating if you still are) crazy in love. Like straight jacket crazy.

Background story: sophomore year of high school, Alejandro and Jasmine go on a date and make out. Nothing prospered from this because Alejandro had a girlfriend. That didn’t really stop Jasmine from seeing Alejandro, let’s be honest. But Jasmine’s  friend (we will call her Freda), went up to Alejandro and his girlfriend and told her her bf was cheating on her. like omg. Till this day I don’t understand why Freda would do that. Afterwards, Alejandro and Jasmine weren’t really on speaking terms. Anyway, as I said before nothing really prospered from that.

Fast forward to a couple year later: Jasmine gets off work. Decides to pick me and Sugar (see Biddies Back Home post). We are just driving around, listening to music. Were bored. What do we do? Pick up Sugar’s boy toy (we will call him Cory). We pick him up because he’s bored at his house. The funny thing was Cory was hosting a boys night: beer, pot, video games... why he wanted to chill with us instead beats me. So we honk for him, he comes out of the house and gets into the car with a red cup, full with beer. We were all like…. Okay. Mr. Cool. Jasmine actually didn’t notice the red cup because she was too busy driving. So were like driving around again, listening to music, conversating, waiting for something to do. Jasmine was like ‘oh lets visit, Alejandro at his house... do a little drive by… I know where he lives.’ At this point, I was not surprised she knew where he lived. So were driving to his house, when we reach the street he lived on, we quickly rolled windows up , turns down this really ghetto shit Jasmine calls music, and turned off the headlights. As we are rolling past his house (in retrospect technically stalking him), Jasmine is covering her face ‘don’t look at me, don’t look at me.’ Me wondering why she is doing this because she has tinted windows. Okay, so after the 5 minutes of cruisin' by his house (which by the way looked like no one was home) we leave his street and start driving back to Cory's. We get on a semi main road, and Jasmine then turns her lights on. Also, Jasmine isn’t always the smoothest driver so we were kind of whirling between the lines of the road.

Cory says nonchalantly as he is sipping from his red cup, “yo Jasmine keep cool, there is a cop following you.” 2 minutes pass, cop still following. Then, blue and red lights turn on. FUCK (and Cory has beer in the car… FUCK). This is just super awesome. I super wanted to get arrested. Cory puts the cup in between his legs (thank jesus he is sitting in the back with Sugar). We stop. Cop asks Jasmine to step out of the car and chat with him. He informs her he has been following her ever since she turned off her lights on Alejandro’s street. He questions her why she turned off her lights and why she was swerving down this main road. Jasmine is in shock.  I mean she couldn’t be like ‘Oh I just wanted to stalk my lover and see if he was home’. So she tells him she was just visiting a friend and closed her lights because he didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping. Also, the cop made Jasmine walk in a straight line because he thought she was drunk (little does he know, that’s just the way she drives). When finished with Jasmine, Cop walks over to me (I’m next to Jasmine in the car, (passenger seat). Cop asks me to roll down my window. My dumb ass doesn’t know how to roll down the window in her car, and what do I do? Open the door and talk to him. (At that age, of course I don’t know my rights. DON’T JUDGE ME. I didn’t know, I had the right to keep my door closed). Anyway, asking me questions, me praying he doesn’t see the red cup between Cory’s legs in the back of the car. I felt like my balls were being chopped off (if I had any). Then, he decides to go on his merry way. We go home. Actually ridiculous. All for what? Just to see where Jasmine's man sleeps at night.

Couple months pass, and Jasmine is still in love. What does she do?  Alejandro like to party, so Jasmine gives him a party. He also probably got over the whole Freda telling his girlfriend about Jasmine and him hooking up too. Now Jasmine did her best to make a party happen but it just didn’t work out. It was on a school night, last minute, no alcohol… you see where this is going. So when Alejandro arrives , Jasmine plays it off like the party was over and he came too late (that was so GENIUS btw). He then tell hers he is going to another party becuase this one 'fell through'. Leaves. Jasmine is sad. At that point it is just Jasmine and Sugar together. They begin to walk to Sugar’s car to go home. Jasmine then asks Sugar “should I text him one more time?” Sugar replies “you have nothing to lose.” (little does she know….. her virginity!)

Texts are exchanged:

Jasmine: are you sure you don’t want to chill

Alejandro: are you DTF

Jasmine: lets meet somewhere

Now, at that time Sugar and Jasmine didn’t know what DTF stood for. Luckily, Nathan ( who was actually my prom date), Kim, and Ashley were smoking pot across the street outside where Sugar and Jasmine were standing. Very Convenient. Asked Nathan what it means Keep in mind this might be a little awkward because Nathan and Jasmine have hookup before. With a confused/high look on his face, Nathan says 'down to fuck.'  Jasmine races to Sugar’s car and tells Sugar to take her to him. Sugar obviously persuades her that this is a bad idea, however, Jasmine could care less. (Honestly, with my friends... you can voice your opinion, but at the end of the day. there crazy and will do what they want)  Quick makeup and perfume check. Sugar drops off Jasmine with Alejandro. Alejandro is riding this big white van (like those rape vans). She gets into this van. Alejandro’s friend is driving the car, while Alejandro is in the back with Jasmine. Arm wrapped around her. They drive to the parking lot of a big grocery store in our town. (Mind you this is around 2 in the morning). Alejandro tells his friend who is driving the car to wait outside.  Alejandro turns up the radio and the song lollipop comes on. And well, let’s just say every time I hear the words: 

Ow... Uh huh Young Mula Baby 
I say he so sweet make her wanna lick the wrapper 
So I let her lick the wrapper

I get extremely and unbearably uncomfortable.

Same Sex Drunk Hookups

So, I go to one of Joe’s (see ‘jesus is my lord and savior’ post) parties again over the summer. I just can’t get enough. Everyone is having a good time. Beer pong in the living room, casual drinking in kitchen,  smoking upstairs in Joe’s dad room. So one of my friends… (we will call him Aaron) just broke up with his long his girlfriend of like 3 years.  Before the party at like lunch or something he me that  he was trying to get some girls number at the bars, and he was like ‘can I have your number’ and then goes in for a handshake.’ Clearly, out of the game. 

So, at this party he wanted to practice his flirting skills with some girls at the party. He practiced it with girls who I just assume were seniors in  high school, so the task at hand was  not really THAT difficult…. let’s be real here. Aaron begins to flirt with this girl Mary (we’ll call her Mary) all night. They were feelin each other (Aaron was feelin her lot, later telling me, he wanted to get digits and a date). I gave Aaron the occasional head nod and ‘getting it in’ body thrusts, while he was talking to her. 

Later that night, Mary, and her friends Ben and Jason were sitting kind of in a circle in the middle of the kitchen. The ask me to come over and sit down with them. I was like okay. Mary tells me they want to play truth or dare. And who am I going to pass up a game when all my friends (Aaron, Jasmine, Beyonce, Sugar) are getting shitty or getting it on, or I don’t even know, lets be honest. So the first couple dares are like ‘chug this whole thing of beer’ or ‘lick the toilet seat.’ Then Ben goes, ‘Mary I dare you to kiss Leah’. In my mind, I’m like fuck. I begin to sweat (are you shocked?). I then give her this look of like ‘I don’t know/scared look’ Mary then proceeds to tell me “oh, it’ll be fine... it’s just like kissing boys.” Yeah. So. She kind of leans in and grabs my neck and gives it to me long and from what I and remember a bit sloppy. Who walks in the kitchen? Yes. Aaron. Cool. He looks at what happens and turns around. That’s cool. Yes, why do these things happen to me? Tell me because I would like to know. 

I mean me and Aaron joke about it now.... a year later. He actually facebooked me the other day and was like ‘yo you have Mary’s number, cause I’m still tryna hit it.’ 

Next story:

In the beginning of the semester, I went to this frat party. Get mad drunk. Hookup up with this really hot girl, who I’ve always thought was really attractive. We will call her hot tottie. I didn’t really know her at the time l but I do invite her back to my dorm, after the frat party… she says no. Awkward. 

Fast forward to a week later. Every time I would see this girl I would give her this weird one eye stare and runaway. (Now I only know this because she later told me about this one eye stare). Anyway, I would see her from time to time from afar and yes it would be awkward but there would be no vocal communication. So it was fine.

Now, I’m in this club and they asked me to dorm storm. Dorm storming is basically going to all the freshman dorms and informing them about your club. So, I began to go dorm storming in the freshman dorms with these paper flyers, prepared to chat it up about the coolest club ever on campus. I do a couple dorms and I finally get to the third floor. I open the first door, and I see a bunch of people in this room. Look around the room. My eye catches a girl with long black hair. Of course, its hot tottie. As I look at her, and as she looks at me, I drop all 100 of my mini flyers the size of my palm. I begin to squirm and stutter trying to pick up all the flyers on the floor. I tell everyone in the room “um… yeah you can come to my uh club…” I do not make eye contact with anyone in that room. I also give each person, including hot tottie a flyer. I then continue: “yeah… its like supper awesome… my club is awesome....” I then proceed to leave. Basically run out of the freshman dorms. Coolness. I just also want to point out that this was very shocking because hot tottie is not a freshman. Why was she there? 

One whole semester later, she’s my girlfriend. LAWL. Who knew.

Longest Phase in the Cell Cycle

Junior year of high school a year of preparing for college applications and taking rigorous classes. Me, I was freaking the fuck out. I was applying to like 15 different schools I distinctly remember killing myself over with my AP Biology class. In retrospect, it was a great class taught me a lot of things about myself and introduced me to the subject of environmental studies, which is what I am majoring in college.

Back to the story, that year, in my world history class, was this boy... we will call him Jared. Jared was tallish, naturally built, deliciously tan, and had shiny copper longish hair. He was into skating on skateboards. Did drugs. Lots of drugs. Obviously, I was interested in him. Who wouldn't be? It was like was one of the characters from the movie Dazed and Confused.

Jared didn't really catch my attention until one day I was studying for my AP Biology test in World History (studying for classes in a different class was a regular for me) with all my study flash cards... all 100 of them, and the bell rang and class ended immediately. I was packing up quite quickly because I was nervous for my test when I accidentally dropped all 100 of my flash cards on the ground. Awesome. As I bent down to pick them up, Jared came over and helped me pick up my flash cards. Note that this was also embarrassing because the note cards were all in hot pink or electric blue pen. Some also had hello kitty stickers on them. When we both got up from the ground at the same time (this was also kind of awkward) he introduced himself. Now if you didn't know this about me before I'm such a sucker for dog lovers, Chipotle burritos and random acts of kindness. SO of course, that is when I was like YES my name is Leah and I have a crush on you. Nothing every blossomed from this encounter. I mean there was the occasional wave, head nod in class, etc. Basically, I was admiring from a far. I didn't hate it.

After I told my friends about his little encounter, apparently I was not the only one. My friends also were interested in Jared and all his pot smoking, guitar playing and, I’m so cool friends.   It was funny though because one of my friends... we will call her Sugar. Sugar was interested in Jared (and when I mean interested, I just mean she found him attractive) however Jared's best friend was interested in Sugar. Awkward.

(SIDE NOTE THIS ONE PARAGRAPH below IS probably is RIDICOULOUSLY FUNNY if you know who these people are in real life or you are from the 301):
Jared had this friend named Eric who had this supercool blue Mohawk and was mildly attractive. My other best friend at the time… Jasmine, we’ll call her Jasmine… had the hots for Eric. One time, Jasmine, Jared, Sugar, and Jared’s best friend were all hanging out, smoking pot in the park (the park where they all lived next to) and Jasmine says to Jared’s best friend “you need to hook me up with, your sexy friend Eric.” Jared’s best friend was like “iight, I gotchu!” Jasmine was in heaven, about to fly away on a magic carpet ride with Mohawk Eric.  30 minutes pass, and Eric meets up with them. However it wasn’t Mohawk Eric it was one of their other friends… Tall Eric. Jared’s best friend called up the wrong Eric! Tall Eric was gawky, pale, and extremely tall and extremely high all the time. Tall Eric walked up to Jasmine and goes “… wanna take a walk in the woods with me to look at the cabbage?” Jasmine looks at him in disgust and replies “Um..hold on.. one second.” Then she just leaves the park with her dog.  

Back to the real story, so one day my friends Sugar, Jasmine, and my other friend Beyonce phoned me and told me we were going to randomly get some ice cream. Who am I to turn down ice cream? So, I quickly get dressed and without a doubt in my mind I run outside into Beyonce’s car. We’re talking, laughing, and driving. Driving not to ice cream shop, but into Sugar’s Neighborhood. I ask everyone in the car where we were going? They all smile at me and say were going to Jared’s party. Awesome. To be honest though, my friends know me so well, and knew I and they knew I wouldn’t have gone out on a Thursday to drink, and especially to Jared’s house. Damn my friends. So we get there, and it’s chilling our blazed on couches on the left, Jared’s band playing on the right, blazing in the garage. So, were at this chill hangout/party.... I guess and of course I’m uncomfortable not knowing many people…meaning just my friends. So Beyonce starts playing BP with some randoms, Sugar gets taken away from me by Jared’s creepy best friend, Jasmine is trying to hit Mohawk Eric, and I’m just chillen with a Nattty Light. One becomes Two. Two becomes Four. Then I find this super awesome ping pong machine in the back and start playing and four quickly becomes six. Beyonce gets me in the back and asks me why I’m super unsocial… I tell her.. “I’m super uncomfortable/don’t know anyone/so drunk”. She pulls me away from that amazingly cool game machine and tell me to accompany her to the bathroom.
She pees and I turn around and close my eyes because Beyonce has certain issues with her naked body, other people’s naked body when going to the bathroom. Anyway, as we leave the bathroom we see Jared. Oh hey. There was also something the combo smell of cigarettes and axe body spray that was really hot in high school. We say hello, Beyonce has to ‘go to her car and get something’ and leaves me… with Jared…. great. At this point, I was like awesome my friends are leaving me for boys and I’m stuck with Jared. The reason why I wasn’t so thrilled so be with Jared is because A) he was so just so hot it was uncomfortable B) I didn’t think we’d actually hook up. 

So, were chatting about our World history class and his party in his Kitchen. That’s cool. He’s like ‘let me show you to some couches in the living room’ and ‘I’m like …okay... couches are cool’. Before we sit on the couch, there is this huge aquarium fish tank in the living room. Go over to the fish tank.  Jared follows. Both look at the fish. Me still in AP Biology crazy mode… so what do I do? I spit out “interphase is the longest phase in the cell cycle!” and it gets better …. “I love mitosis and meiosis…” Did I really just say that.. out loud? Jared goes “…that’s cool,” while leading me to sit on the couch. I’m drunk, and at this point I know Jared wants to hook up with me, so what do I do? I grab his hand and tell him I read his palm. Tell him about his parents. Tell him how many children he is going to have. He’s into it. I’m just uncomfortable. Then, after, awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Ooouch. I feel something hard under me. Cordless phone. Awkward Pause. Stare. Stare. Jared leans in “give me some sugaa..” I actually died when he said this, however I couldn’t show any feeling because I was so nervous. Obviously, we hook and get interrupted by Beyonce who says we need to leave.

So the next day after we hook up, walk into class. Teacher is reviewing for our test. Jared in class. Me coming in disheveled. Me stare at Jared. Jared stares at me… we basically have a stare war. I’m uncomfortable. Stare. Me sweating. Jared starts staring. Can’t handle. Fucking run out of class. (Inform me teacher the next day that I was ‘sick’). 

I have 3 questions. What as I thinking? Why am I so awkward? Why do I look like a crazy person?

High School Hotties

High school was my prime time for being inept, tongue tied, graceless, uncomfortable, and self-conscious. Two stories that really stick out in my mind, freshman year of high school, are about two different boys aka some high school hotties, let’s be honest.  

We will call him John.  I was a freshman, John was junior. John was actually beautiful, there’s something about Latinos… there just so attractive on so many levels. I was not sure where John was from but if I had to guess I would go with Columbia. Good jaw line, light eyes, good teeth, rockin body, obviously bringin sexy back. 

In high school, our foreign language department and our art department were in the same hallway. That year I was taking ceramics, and John was taking French. Since, both are classes were in the same hall obviously we came into contact, walking past each other to get to our next class. At first, it was smile and a smile back from time to time. 

Then, one day he finally introduced himself. Introductions were fine, I didn’t stutter, and when he asked me what I like to do for fun, I was quick on my feet to answer field hockey.  Two days later, after class, I walked into the hallway, and there mad people in the hall too because class was over, however I spotted John from down hall. So I’m obviously was walking in his direction to say hello, I was already somewhat sweating because I was that nervous because he was so hot (and in my defense, I was also sweating because there were so many bodies around me trying to get to their next class). So I finally reach him, and he goes in for a big hug. Now, as I have mentioned before in my past blog posts I am not one for hugs. Without thinking, I go in for the hug too, but instead of hugging him I hug his left arm. In other words, instead of going in between his arms and hugging his stomach, I moved more to the left of him and inched up to him, and then ended up hugging his left arm. John goes “umm.. okay?.. um.” Then, I go “oh… sorry! I mean.. um.. yeah” Then he responds by saying “no, its cool” and smiles. I of course freak the fuck out (in my mind) and walk away quickly. Slick move, Leah. I still can’t believe I did that… realll, how could I hug is left arm?

After that, to my surprise he would say hi and try to hang out, but I just couldn’t, I was just so embarrassed.  Of course, I told all my friends what happened and then they waited until I told them the whole story to tell me they saw the whole thing in action. 

The next boy… we will call him Dave. Dave and I went to middle school and high school together. Okay, so yes I thought he was attractive when I first met him in middle school, but after I actually exchanged words with him, I wasn’t with it. Don’t get me wrong, he was really sweet and intelligent (let’s be honest he was a fucking genius), but he wasn’t really my cup to tea. 

 So the summer before freshman year, I just assumed he went through the wondrous magic of puberty because when he stepped into my English class and I was in awe. Now, he looked like was Abercrombie and Fitch status. He was one of your typical dark brown hair, blue eyes, big muscles, lacrosse playing, all American, all sexy, boy. 

So our high school was made up of many middle schools joining together, so when Dave stepped into the English classroom, yes I was like oh damn, but…. it was still Dave. Dave who enjoyed algebra and torturing/flirting girls in middle school with saccade bugs (in the 7^th grade the saccade bugs came out of their shell… disgusting). However, for the people who did not know him… he was a Greek god. A beautiful Abercrombie and Fitch Greek god, if that’s even possible. In class I was assigned to sit next to Dave and I didn’t really mind because we’ve been friends since middle school. I also made friends with some of the girls in my English class (who actually are my best friends still today). A couple weeks into the class, they confess their love for Dave to me, and of course I was like “yeah, I know!” To be honest, I didn’t like him/ didn’t think he was that attractive but you when your friends hype the situation, you can’t just help but go on the band wagon. 

One day, in class, my friend mouths to me, across them “Dave is sooo hot,” while Dave was sitting next to me, concentrating on his essay. I nod my head agreeing with her, and as I turn to look at Dave, I don’t know what comes over me, but this huge glob of split, went flying from my mouth onto his arm. Minutes later, he realizes my saliva is on his arm. I look at my saliva on his arm. He jumps up from class, starts freaking out, “Leah just spat all over my arm.. Leah, omg were are no longer friends!” Of course, I’m trying to hide, by covering my face, obviously that is a fail. He runs out of the classroom to wash my spit off his arm. I honestly have no idea how and why how I accidentally managed to form that much saliva and spit it all over his arm till this day.

The next day, everything was normal and he acted like nothing happened… and so did I. We lost touch as friends (I don’t know if it was because of this incident), but remained acquaintances throughout high school. My friend Star (more info mentioned in the Jello Shot Girl post) actually hooked up with Dave for quite a while, senior year and of course I had to tell her this story. When I shared this story with her, she laughed and then shared stories about how Dave was actually a sloppy kisser. I died.

Never Mix Business with Pleasure

Senior year of high school, since I was basically done with school in May and had already gotten into college, I decided to find a job. I applied for a zillion things: mostly restaurant gigs and retail. Confession: my dream job was to work at the Chanel counter at the Mall in Nordstrom. I was so close too, having past 2/3 interviews however they wouldn’t accept me because I was going to leave in the fall for college aka they wanted someone permanent. Their loss. So finally, one of the retail stores at the mall, close to my house, hired me. Pay was decent, can’t complain. I was not much of a people person before my job, but I think the job helped me come out of my awkward shell. 

Example: Me folding clothes in the back, while in charge of the fitting room. Really really hot guy slowly walks to the fitting room. Me about to get uncomfortable. Me pretending to fold our new bootcut jeans delicately. Hot guy stops and smiles, asks me if he could use the fitting room. Me cannot even formulate words. Me Sweating. Me leaning forward to talk to him. Me dropping  the stack of jeans next to me that I just folded. Me quickly apologizing and becoming quite flustered. Minutes later, he walks out, sporting our new polo and Khaki pants. Hot guy asks me what I thought. Me can’t even formulate words. Finally, I say “yeah.. yeah looks … it’s a crotch pleaser… I mean CROWD PLEASER, CROWD PLEASER.”  No. Did those words really come out of my mouth? Then I put my head down and continued folding that same pair of jeans.

I don’t know if you felt this way, your senior year of high school,  but when I was a senior in high school, I knew most of the people in my grade and the grades below me, and was not interested in anyone because I knew all of them, their back story… and yeah. So of course, I wanted to dip into the retail pool. There were very slim pickings at my job, but I became interested in Jamie... we’ll call him Jamie for now.  Jamie and I were both wasian, and I won’t lie I have thing for wasians (and Guatemalans, of course). If you didn’t know what a wasian was before: someone consisting of both Asian and white decent. Wasian's have one white and one Asian parent. Wasians are the hybrids of the world and have many skills and talents.

Back to the story, Jamie conveniently added me on facebook a couple weeks after I got the job and in my mind I was like yeehhhhhhhhh.  During this time, there was another boy we will call Kevin. Kevin wasn’t really my style, he was very bro status (more of Star’s type of man), but he was actually a hilarious person. So funny. Me and Kevin always flirted, but let’s be serious he flirts with everyone. 

So the summer is dwindling, and there was a week left before I headed to College in Massachusetts. I was waiting for Jamie to ask for my number, however I knew he a huge pussy (lets be honest) but the summer was ending so I was like better late than never. But anyway, so I ‘poked’ him on facebook, yes I know I am 12 years old (we’ll get to my poking adventures on facebook at another time, another blog post). He does not poke me back, in my mind I tell myself work this is going to awkward work day tomorrow. Fast forward to work the next day, Jamie asks for my number. Score. The poke worked. Later that day at work, Kevin, Jamie, and I are all working on folding the whole store. Kevin and Jamie are folding men’s sportswear, while I’m folding granny panties. I’m close enough to them to hear their conversation. Jesse and Kevin are chatting about getting haircuts. I’m listening, because it funny. Anyway, there is pause in the conversation. Kevin not really screams but talks in a loud voice to get my attention and says “..so Leah. I don’t know but maybe we could go get dinner sometime.. yeah know.” Jesse is in the background also waiting for my response. What do I do? I stare at Kevin. Then, I continue folding panties.Silence. Look at Kevin again, and murmured “ahhh… uhh.. well..umm.” Then, I just keep folding panties in front me. Honestly, at this point I was so shocked, and that came out of now where. Also, even if I was like yes, that is just awkward, don’t ask me across the room about dinner, while our supervisor is there and customers are on the floor. Also, even if I did say yes or show any excitement towards Kevin, Jamie was right there and I was extremely uncomfortable. Um. Yeah. So then I just continued to fold panties, like nothing happened, like nothing was said, I didn’t know what to do. Then, there was just more silence. Awkward silence. When Kevin was done folding men’s wear, he had the audacity to come and help me fold panties. It was awkward because then he started commenting on the panties, “these are so big, these are so slutty, etc” I just nodded for effect. 

Whatever. After that, things weren’t really awkward. Nothing ever blossomed with Kevin after that, but he did have my number and sometimes texted me. Went on a date with Jamie. It was okay, nothing special. When I went to school, I actually was texting both of them. I mean I don’t feel that bad, because it was not serious with either.  It’s funny though, because Kevin texted me randomly and I was joking around and I asked him if he “miss me?” He said yes and then asked me if I missed him and I responded saying “no” (as a joke). No responding text back. LOL.  I can’t handle people who don’t understand my sarcastic humor, but that was still pretty awkward.

I no longer work in retail anymore and when I am home sometimes, I run into Jesse and Kevin randomly at Target, College Park, at a restaurant, etc. Jesse does not acknowledge my presence, but then again one day I just decided to stop responding to his texts. Kevin still gives me hugs though.

Jello Shot Girl

I'm about to go out tonight, but before I do I wanted to share one of  my first experiences with alcohol. So I think it was sophomore of high school, late October, early November. It was the night of the homecoming dance. The dance was lame, but me all my friends were really excited for the after party! So, I thought it would be super awesome to make jello shots for the party (till this day, I think jello shots are so much fun).


Earlier that day, my parents said that they would be having dinner in DC. In my mind, I was like whaddddddup jello shot time. So right when my parents left the house, I was quickly grabbing ingredients.. Koniak, jello mix, etc. I remember the Koniak was from one of my Russian friends, but I can't seem remember why or how I had it under my bed, next to my vibrator (yeah that happened, not sorry). So, I make the jello shots.. and stack 'em in the fridge. Hours later, I totally forgot they were still in the fridge.. my parents call me to tell me that they would be coming home in 20 minutes. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. Race to the refrigerator, start putting the cups of jello on platters. Then I suddenly realize that the jello shots did not solidify. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. SO. what do I do?...

I start chugging all the liquid jello shots of Koniak. Might i remind you I use half a bottle of Koniak. I think my thought process was at this point: well, everyone is gonna be drunk, its not gonna hurt anyone if I get a head start. Taking shots, shots, by myself.. (in retrospect what the fuck was I was thinking...damn). I hear the garage door opening, as I am cleaning up my empty cups and trays. Run to the living, turn on the TV, pretend watching BET (yes BET... brother's favorite show). Parents come in, say hello, go upstairs. I was just trying to talk straight because I was fucking shwasted out of my mind, not even at the party yet. My friend and her boyfriend call me later to tell me their coming to pick me up to go the afftaa party. I snuck out from the backyard door (also in retrospect, why did I sneak out... I had no idea because my parents would've let me go anyway). I then went stumbling through my yard.. then quickly sprinted to the middle of the street where they would pick me up. At this point I am in the middle of the street, chillen, with the empty Koniak bottle in my hands. Lights flash in my eyes, black car drives right in front of me, oh hey guys, Im just chillen in the street. They both are waving their hands conveying to get in the car.. So I try to walk over... walk into the front of the car, fall on top of the hood of the car, get back up, and walk slowly to the side of the car to get in. I'm so fucking drunk. I get into the car. We all chat. I tell them what happened, they exchanged looks. Its a good time... I don't really remember much at this point.

So the three of us arrive at this little shin dig, I'm having a good time, let be honest. We get inside the house, we greet everyone. Oh how I greet everyone. By sophomore year, I was not the huging type, I felt like hugs were awkward... but tonight it was like hugs not drugs. After these hugs and hellos, I realized that noone was drunk... just me.... AWESOME. Cool. I  actually can't seem to remember why no one else was drinking. So everyone was just having a good time... sober. I was just  having a blast by myself. The rest of the night is a little blurry, but  I distinctly remember 4 things that happened that night.

1. No filter. Secrets were coming out. Damn. My best friend's boyfriend. I walk up to him. Literally said "so many people ARE in love with you... SO many.. " Then, I started naming my friends and  giving reasons why they like him. The funny part is that none of them liked him, except for my best friend who was obviously dating him. Also, he believed every word that  came out of my mouth that night. (haaaa even though it was not true).

2. My other best friend... let's call her Star. That name suits her. Anyway, I've known star since like the 5th grade. We went to camp together, but we didn't end up going to the same school since high school. In high school, we had this special love hate relationship:

Freshman year: Acquaintance.
Sophomore year: I fucking hate you go die.
Junior  year: your annoying.
Senior year: Best Friends.

Yep, so it was sophomore year and Star was at the party too (I don't know why). She was nominated and won Homecoming queen that year (and pretty much every year of high school.. pretty sure). So we are just all hanging out aka everyone crowding around me because I was such a hilarious drunk. I guess Star didn't like how all the attention was on me considering she was JUST crowned homecoming queen that night. She makes a comment "Leah, your so drunk. Pull your self together" Then I say " Don't be talkin' shit, just be you WON..... whore." Star gives me the dirtiest look. Leah 1, Star 0. Its funny how things turn out, today were inseparable.. who knew. If your reading this right now,  I LOVE YOU.

3. So, if you didn't know this about me already, when I don't like you or despise you I will kill you with kindness and dirty looks. I mean to be honest, sometimes I really like the sweater your wearing, but if I'm ever extra extra nice. I just don't like you. Also, I have been told that I give dirty looks all the time, no that's just my face. LOL. You'll know when I give you a dirty look, believe me. Back to the story, there is this girl, we'll call her Jesse. Jesse is not a good person, wronged me, and all my friends in different sick and twisted ways, always scheming, even till this day. So, I see Jesse give her a hug. Then  I just start, complimenting everything. "you hair so cute, dress fabulous, Ive never told you this but I think your so beautiful, the  presentation you did in class yesterday so good, your so smart, your so intelligent, lets be like best friends like omg."My friends were giving me dirty looks from the corner.. like what the fuck are you doing dirty looks. At this point, I don't feel so good. This leads into #4.

4. So I don't  feel so good. Try to stand up.. actually I can't even stand. Damn, I feel like a sack of crap right now. One of friends, picks me up and takes me upstairs, but I really struggle for him to let go because they guy who is having the party's parents are upstairs. When we get upstairs, his parents tell him, he should take me home. My friends picks me up again and carries me on his shoulders.. he opens the front door. Can't hold it in any longer. Vomit all over him and this random dude's porch. All the party decides to join us on the front porch. I'm literally vomiting  for a good 10 minutes. My face, and hands, dress, shoes covered in red gook... mmm delicious. After, I walk in the grass of their front yard, and plop on the ground. I remember my best friends boyfriend stroking my back saying everything we'll be fine. Sweet guy. Sweet guy until he fucked my friend over. I assume they called my dad, because my dad rolls up with my car and takes me home. The next day, my dad goes up to me and says, "so your drinking now... that's cool. Make sure your not the only one next time" and then he made me call that dude who had the party and apologize for the red gook and my behavior in general.

From then on, my friends would call me jello shot girl at school. That's cool I guess.

Bronze Skin, Cinnamon Tan

I've always wanted to go to College in the South, particularly University of Miami. Love the hot weather, being tan and the beach. Due to early decision guidelines and to my luck I ended up in Massachusetts for school. Because I live in Massachusetts, you gotta do what you gotta do and  not gonna lie, sometimes I  go to Palm Beach.... Palm Beach tan to get some color. Don't judge me, it was a spray not the cancer in the box type thing.

Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because I wanted to share my my first experience with tanning. It was senior year of high school. Not gonna lie, This is EXACTLY what happened to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOLCwaHVtWs

In my defense, the burnt 40 year old woman who worked at the salon, gave me instructions really fast for the spray on tan and of course I didn't want to ask her the 4th time about directions because I didn't want to look like a dumbass. Sometimes my brain does not accumulate certain concepts. Apparently you had to move your feet every 3 seconds in a counterclockwise direction so every part of you body obtains color. I was so confused. Also, I was supposed rub lotion between my toes and fingers, so they wouldn't get orange... I didn't know how much. Was the lotion suppose to be a lot, or just rubbed in onto your skin? Apparently, a lot... I later realized because it looked like I had skin cancer on my hands. Lets just say, I wore long sleeved clothing for like a couple weeks and tried to make my face look more pale because I was now a nice shade of macaroni and cheese.

I tell all my friends about the dilemma. They tell their parents...... my life is a joke.