Blitz Attack

So from the previous posts, one can assume that I am trying to figure out my sexuality. I have been with guys in the past, but I have a girlfriend now. I wanted to tell my parental units what was going on in my life and what I was going through now, also informing them I have a girlfriend. Because last time I checked they assumed I was very much straight. So I wanted to tell them this at the right time and right place. However, I’m a fucking dumbass and should’ve known that I am incapable of such things.

As my dad and I were driving in a tow truck (because we obtained 2 flat tires because my dad hit a random rock) he mentioned that he has read my blog. He quoted a lot of things in the ‘Jello Shot Girl post’. First, that’s awkward on so many levels. Your parents should never know in detail what you do when it comes to sex, drugs, and alcohol. Second, How did he find my blog? Because I posted it as my status on facebook and were facebook friends. Also, at this moment in time, for some reason, it didn’t cross my mind that he read the ‘My Girlfriend Cheated on Me’ or ‘Same Sex Drunk Hookups’ posts which indicate I have a girlfriend.

That night, as my nanny was preparing sushi for my brother’s lunch, while we were catching up. I have known my nanny since I was in the 2^nd grade.  My nanny begins to tell me about this women she is currently working for. This woman is lawyer, has two beautiful baby girls, and has a wife. She then proceeds in saying “She’s really great. And a lesbian.” Awkward pause. Looks at me. I look at her nonchalantly. Then, she continues to tell me about the two baby girls. In my mind, I’m like awesome. How does she know? I am friends with both her children on facebook, who must have seen my relationship status and told my Nanny. Cool beans.

Later that night, I start skyping with Sugar in my room. Were chatting, chatting, were chatting about my girlfriend, were chatting about her boyfriend, then about frozen yogurt, blah blah blah.  When we finish skyping, I go to my brother’s room which is right next door to say hello. And this is what happen: 

Me: wassuspppppp. What are you up to?

My brother just stares stares at me and smiles.

Brother: maybe you should speak softer when talking to Sugar about you girlfriend

I’m in shock, obviously at this moment. . . 

Me: ohh okay...

My dad walks in (how convenient, I know)

Me: uncomfortable, hyperventilating

My brother then begins to start laughing!

Me: Eugene, lets talk about that at another time perhaps maybe over dinner.

Dad: talk about what?

My brother now is dying on the floor of laughter.

I’m still uncomfortable. . .

Dad: oh.. about you sexual preferences ?

Dad: starts laughing.

Me: stare at the them.

Me: stare at the floor.

Me: walk away.

That my friends is a called a blitz attack! That actually came out of nowhere/ didn’t see that coming.

I don’t know if they were serious or not. Perhaps it’s time we sat down and had a talk fo real because that was just oh so fucking unreal and uncomfortable.

Longest Phase in the Cell Cycle

Junior year of high school a year of preparing for college applications and taking rigorous classes. Me, I was freaking the fuck out. I was applying to like 15 different schools I distinctly remember killing myself over with my AP Biology class. In retrospect, it was a great class taught me a lot of things about myself and introduced me to the subject of environmental studies, which is what I am majoring in college.

Back to the story, that year, in my world history class, was this boy... we will call him Jared. Jared was tallish, naturally built, deliciously tan, and had shiny copper longish hair. He was into skating on skateboards. Did drugs. Lots of drugs. Obviously, I was interested in him. Who wouldn't be? It was like was one of the characters from the movie Dazed and Confused.

Jared didn't really catch my attention until one day I was studying for my AP Biology test in World History (studying for classes in a different class was a regular for me) with all my study flash cards... all 100 of them, and the bell rang and class ended immediately. I was packing up quite quickly because I was nervous for my test when I accidentally dropped all 100 of my flash cards on the ground. Awesome. As I bent down to pick them up, Jared came over and helped me pick up my flash cards. Note that this was also embarrassing because the note cards were all in hot pink or electric blue pen. Some also had hello kitty stickers on them. When we both got up from the ground at the same time (this was also kind of awkward) he introduced himself. Now if you didn't know this about me before I'm such a sucker for dog lovers, Chipotle burritos and random acts of kindness. SO of course, that is when I was like YES my name is Leah and I have a crush on you. Nothing every blossomed from this encounter. I mean there was the occasional wave, head nod in class, etc. Basically, I was admiring from a far. I didn't hate it.

After I told my friends about his little encounter, apparently I was not the only one. My friends also were interested in Jared and all his pot smoking, guitar playing and, I’m so cool friends.   It was funny though because one of my friends... we will call her Sugar. Sugar was interested in Jared (and when I mean interested, I just mean she found him attractive) however Jared's best friend was interested in Sugar. Awkward.

(SIDE NOTE THIS ONE PARAGRAPH below IS probably is RIDICOULOUSLY FUNNY if you know who these people are in real life or you are from the 301):
Jared had this friend named Eric who had this supercool blue Mohawk and was mildly attractive. My other best friend at the time… Jasmine, we’ll call her Jasmine… had the hots for Eric. One time, Jasmine, Jared, Sugar, and Jared’s best friend were all hanging out, smoking pot in the park (the park where they all lived next to) and Jasmine says to Jared’s best friend “you need to hook me up with, your sexy friend Eric.” Jared’s best friend was like “iight, I gotchu!” Jasmine was in heaven, about to fly away on a magic carpet ride with Mohawk Eric.  30 minutes pass, and Eric meets up with them. However it wasn’t Mohawk Eric it was one of their other friends… Tall Eric. Jared’s best friend called up the wrong Eric! Tall Eric was gawky, pale, and extremely tall and extremely high all the time. Tall Eric walked up to Jasmine and goes “… wanna take a walk in the woods with me to look at the cabbage?” Jasmine looks at him in disgust and replies “Um..hold on.. one second.” Then she just leaves the park with her dog.  

Back to the real story, so one day my friends Sugar, Jasmine, and my other friend Beyonce phoned me and told me we were going to randomly get some ice cream. Who am I to turn down ice cream? So, I quickly get dressed and without a doubt in my mind I run outside into Beyonce’s car. We’re talking, laughing, and driving. Driving not to ice cream shop, but into Sugar’s Neighborhood. I ask everyone in the car where we were going? They all smile at me and say were going to Jared’s party. Awesome. To be honest though, my friends know me so well, and knew I and they knew I wouldn’t have gone out on a Thursday to drink, and especially to Jared’s house. Damn my friends. So we get there, and it’s chilling our blazed on couches on the left, Jared’s band playing on the right, blazing in the garage. So, were at this chill hangout/party.... I guess and of course I’m uncomfortable not knowing many people…meaning just my friends. So Beyonce starts playing BP with some randoms, Sugar gets taken away from me by Jared’s creepy best friend, Jasmine is trying to hit Mohawk Eric, and I’m just chillen with a Nattty Light. One becomes Two. Two becomes Four. Then I find this super awesome ping pong machine in the back and start playing and four quickly becomes six. Beyonce gets me in the back and asks me why I’m super unsocial… I tell her.. “I’m super uncomfortable/don’t know anyone/so drunk”. She pulls me away from that amazingly cool game machine and tell me to accompany her to the bathroom.
She pees and I turn around and close my eyes because Beyonce has certain issues with her naked body, other people’s naked body when going to the bathroom. Anyway, as we leave the bathroom we see Jared. Oh hey. There was also something the combo smell of cigarettes and axe body spray that was really hot in high school. We say hello, Beyonce has to ‘go to her car and get something’ and leaves me… with Jared…. great. At this point, I was like awesome my friends are leaving me for boys and I’m stuck with Jared. The reason why I wasn’t so thrilled so be with Jared is because A) he was so just so hot it was uncomfortable B) I didn’t think we’d actually hook up. 

So, were chatting about our World history class and his party in his Kitchen. That’s cool. He’s like ‘let me show you to some couches in the living room’ and ‘I’m like …okay... couches are cool’. Before we sit on the couch, there is this huge aquarium fish tank in the living room. Go over to the fish tank.  Jared follows. Both look at the fish. Me still in AP Biology crazy mode… so what do I do? I spit out “interphase is the longest phase in the cell cycle!” and it gets better …. “I love mitosis and meiosis…” Did I really just say that.. out loud? Jared goes “…that’s cool,” while leading me to sit on the couch. I’m drunk, and at this point I know Jared wants to hook up with me, so what do I do? I grab his hand and tell him I read his palm. Tell him about his parents. Tell him how many children he is going to have. He’s into it. I’m just uncomfortable. Then, after, awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Ooouch. I feel something hard under me. Cordless phone. Awkward Pause. Stare. Stare. Jared leans in “give me some sugaa..” I actually died when he said this, however I couldn’t show any feeling because I was so nervous. Obviously, we hook and get interrupted by Beyonce who says we need to leave.

So the next day after we hook up, walk into class. Teacher is reviewing for our test. Jared in class. Me coming in disheveled. Me stare at Jared. Jared stares at me… we basically have a stare war. I’m uncomfortable. Stare. Me sweating. Jared starts staring. Can’t handle. Fucking run out of class. (Inform me teacher the next day that I was ‘sick’). 

I have 3 questions. What as I thinking? Why am I so awkward? Why do I look like a crazy person?