Baby Boy Feat. Sean and Paul

(So the contents of this blog post will be better understood if you have read the High School Hotties Blog Post explaining my spitting on boys catastrophe. More of the older blog posts anyway are more.. let's just say flavorful,  And when I mean flavorful, I mean awkward, uneasy and embarrassing.)

So this post goes out to another boy that I had like a thing with in high school, and we will call him Sean. Sean was this super cute, super awkward, supper skinny, pot smoking boy, who I met by mutual friends.  I thought it was endearing that he was so awkward… and mumbled his words a lot. He had this kind of Bostonian accent, however he is not from Boston. Also, I have a thing for accents. boston, english, spanish, english accents... like em all.

We met over the summer, started texting, and decided to go on a movie date. He picks me up in his car (at that moment I had never felt so cliché in my life… honestly ... he picks me up in my car, we see a movie,  and then smoke some pot). I was so nervous, and thank god I was wearing a black bubble dress, because he would've seen my real cute sweat stains. Let’s be honest, I'm like a sweating machine.

So were at this movie, aka the worst movie in the world. I t was suppose to be scary… but it ended up being stupid. And I am one to be scared of actual scary movies. But this movie was like dog poop.

Random Fact:  My friends dragged me to a haunted forest, on Halloween one year,  where you walk around in this dark forest, and scary things pop out and people with chain saws come after you. So I go, and my partner was Jasmine,and we walk to together in the forest, and all of a sudden the grudge girl pops out. (I am terrified over the grudge girl. Saw it in movie theaters with Roxy and had to run out of the movies theaters halfway through the movie) We obviously have to get passed this grudge girl. In panic, what do I do? I shove Jasmine on to grudge girl and run away frantically, screaming "no, you will not get me!"

Back to the story with Sean, so were watching this lame movie… I’m dying because I am so bored. I’m like leaning my head over onto his shoulder, hinting. So after a supposedly scary scene, I turn my head to tell him how not scary that scene was… and he literally grabs my face and shoves his mouth onto mine. He was basically playing snake with my mouth. Awesome. Having a German Sheppard slobber all over me wasso much fun. I was so flustered that I begin talking while his mouth was suctioned to mine, letting out the words like “oh okay, um okay, oh, um, okay”. Then after a good 3 minutes, he stops, I stop. We both continue watching the movie like nothing happened.  

After that,,  I went to camp and kind of texted him for a while and then just kinda stopped. 

When I got back to school, after that summer, I was awkward and he was awkward about it. So obviously,  we both pretended like we didn’t know each other when we walked down the hallways in our high school. And when I mean both of us, I mean just me, not acknowledging his presence. My b. Okay, so yes it might seem like I am an asshole, but in actuality I am just so fucking awkward. Couldn't handle the pressure. Sean is not the first boy I have done that to…. my bad.  

I mean after that I saw him at a couple of parties… whatever. 

Fast forward to the summer after graduating high school, Star and I were coming back from seeing Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center in DC, and we were really thirsty. So, we went to the  711 nearby my house to pick up some slurpies. Slurpies are the fucking shit. You can win my heart with a pina colada delicious ice cold slurpie! We get our delicious slurpies and we go back into my car, and as were driving off…. Guess who pulls up into 711… Sean and his best friend ….let’s call him Paul. So of course as were driving away, me and Star were like… lol… awkward… and Star was like “let's go back and say hi.” Of course, Star would recommend that. She loves awkward situations, especially when they have to do with me. SO…Star was like lets go back…and I was like…. well since we graduated, I would probably never see Sean again so what the hell. Also, our little thing was so long ago… and I needed to stop being so awkward. 

We drive back to 711, Sean and Paul were still still buying… well if I would have to guess it would be chips, slurpies, and some rolling paper.  Me and Star nonchalantly walk into 711 again, we see them. They see us. I begin to feel queasy. Awesome. They come up to us, say hey… Paul asks us about how our summer is going. Sean is not saying anything. I’m barely saying anything…. 

All of sudden, again, I don’t know what comes over me but a huge wet, ball of spit was cultivating in my mouth, because I was that uncomfortable. I just can’t control my drool… and spit all over Paul. For no apparent reason. ( I mean clearly, it was because I was so nervous). All over his cargo shorts. I then to proceed to run across the 711 to the gum section which was in the back. I hide there until they leave.

Star is uncontrollably laughing. 

 I hate myself. 

Me and Sean have mutual friends so inevitably we started talking as friends, and inevitably became acquaintances during the rest of the summer. 

Honestly though. 

Months pass,  I met up with him and decided to give it another go. We went on a dinner date, and then went back to his house to watch a “movie”.  Lets talk about that. 

During dinner…

Sean:  I was talking to my mom about you and your school and my mom told me you go to an ivy league Jewish school

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it was ivy league… but its only like Jewish affiliated.

Sean:  oh…  that sucks.. I wouldn’t want to go to a jew school.  I wouldn’t wanna go there…. Have fun with that

Me: oh… okay. 

Rude. But OKAY. My IQ slowly melts when we change the subject.

Me:  So, I know that your Jewish but what is your ethnicity

Sean: wait, what

Me: Like where are you from?

Sean:  here..?

Me: no where are you parents from like before America… like your roots ?

Sean: umm… idk… my parents and I don’t really talk about that stuff.  We do really fun stuff together…  there cool parents and we don’t talk about stuff like that  

Honestly. Did those words really come out of your mouth? Like how do you not know where you come from, your roots, your background… and how can you not be curious. The conversation doesn’t get any better after this. 

Sean: Yeah, I like drinking a lot.

His cell rings. He gets a text message. Reads the text during dinner.

Sean: Oh it’s just my ex girlfriend. She is so annoying. Like always wants me back... but yeah.

Me: Oh... that’s cool.

Sean: yeah, since I broke up with her… she like gets naked in front of all my friends to get attention. But like yeah, no big deal … she’s so annoying.

That is always what a girl likes to hear. Always.

After dinner we head back to his house in the basement to watch a movie. We sit on the couch. He decides to flip through channels on the television. He stops at the discovery channel. Why are we watching an episode about people touring Israel, seeing men and women praying at the Western Wall? Then he goes… “oh isn’t this what your into?”  In my mind, I was like are you serious? Is this forreal? Just because I go to a jewish affiliated university doesn’t mean  that I like all things nice and Hebrew. 

Later, we start hooking up and literally halfway through… I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dinner conversations. I was like…. “could you just  like take me home?”

Honestly. Like you will not stay on my mind and will never fulfill my fantasies.  Like damn.

Go Green!

Summer time, when the living is easy. I have really close friends from home, and when I come back from college, I am always super ecstatic to see them. When I mean super ecstatic, I mean get really drunk. 

I snipe some whiskey and Jack Daniel’s from my dad’s stash and my friends and I start pre gaming at my house.  Some girl from high school is having a party at her college apartment about an hour away. We go.  We bring mixed drinks in recycled canteens, cups and mugs, that I have at my house and put them one of those eco friendly bags... you know the one’s you put your groceries in, instead of plastic bags. We get into Sugar’s car, continuing to drink. My mindset at this point was schools over, I’m at home for the summer, lets get fucked up. 

We get to the party, and it basically like a blast from the past, people from high school. Summary of the events that happened at the party:

•  Drunk pictures
• Sugar hookups with her ex boyfriend’s best friend
•   Star plays beer bong and looses
•  I’m really drunk
•  Beyonce is flirting with random boys 
•   I keep drinking

Obviously, the good shit happens after we leave the party. So, the girl who was throwing the party forgot to tell her roommates  about the party.... so obviously they were pissed…  and party shuts down. We all leave. We drive back and decide we want to go get some burger king.

However, as were driving home, I don’t feel good and begin to get flustered. 

I think you know what happen’s next…

I start dragooning in Sugar’s car. In retrospect, not surprised. Sugar, again I am so sorry, I was just so happy to see my biddies back home! Anyway, Star is like “throw up in the eco friendly bag, dude!” So she puts the bag in between her legs and my face is in her crotch, vomiting, nice chunks of my dinner. So ironic, especially because I am an environmental studies major.  Star later admits to me the next day, she felt like vomiting as well when I was vomiting into the bag…. and it took her all her might not to vomit on me. Damn. That would have been a fucking shit show. It would be like 2 girls, 1 cup... but not. 

We finally get to burger king.  I stopped my  vomiting. We get out of the car. Why am I undressing my clothes in the bk parking lot? Why are some of the guys from the party driving into the burger king parking lot? Perfect timing. 

Fast forward, so were driving back to my house, so we can all pass out. We all walk to my door, me holding my  own vomit in an eco friendly bag. Walking up to  the door to my house… feel all kinds of queasy. Didn’t make it to the bathroom in my house, and dragoned all over the welcome mat in front of my door, giving the entrance of my home a nice creamy, green soupy decoration at 3 in the morning. Delish. How convenient and again, ironic, the color was a beautiful shade of green.

(So, if  you have read the family fun blog post, you will hear this again)

The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”

Honestly.

Hot Ass Mess

So I was into my second semester of my freshman year, chillen. Getting the hang of my university (…well surdove). So I was coming back from dinner with some friends off campus, and went on a university bus, which is a bus that takes you into town and back to campus. So, me and some friends are on the this bus and see other mutual friends. They say hi, and I get introduced to this guy named … we’ll call him Matt. So, me and matt hit it off, I get my flirt on, nothing crazy though. When we arrived on campus, my friends and I were dropped off where my dorms were, and say goodbye the mutual friends and Matt. I was like whatever, never going to see him again. 

So wrong. 

That night we end up going to this party off campus. Before, I continue I would like to add that my best friend from home was visiting me, Star. 

So we get to this party and my girls and I were dancing, drinking have a good time… Then  I see Matt there. We end up dancing… whatever. We end up hooking up…whatever. (Do not judge by choices under the influence.)  So we continue to dance, and my friend Star is dancing all alone and I feel bad…and I tell this Matt. He goes “oh lemme get my boy, Craig.” Next thing you know Craig and Star are going at it. Can I also say Star lied and told Craig and everyone else at the party she was 22 and goes to Harvard University. They believed her. Fucking ridiculous, honestly.

Then  me and Matt make conversation while dancing…  like where are you from, what are you doing later tonight, and what year are you? So, I begin to tell him I am a freshman. He responds saying he is a prefresh. 

Honestly. 

Okay in retrospect, I don’t feel like a pedophile because he technically was a just a year younger, but HONESTLY. He was still in high school. Damn. If you saw someone on campus, you would just assume they went to your university ..awesome.  

Party ends. We are going back to my dorms. I'm drunk and mortified. Star has her tongue down Craig’s throat. I’m trying to get Matt and Craig off my balls, so I could go to bed, honestly. So we go to my friends dorm, we’ll call him Max. We go Max’s dorm, and me, Star, Matt, and Craig are just chillen. Matt needs to go to the bathroom.  I quickly tell Max what my dilemma is so he can tell Matt and Craig to go home and stop trying to get it in, because it wasn’t going to happen. I personally am not a confrontational person so I wanted Max to do it.  Matt quickly comes in all flustered, telling everyone in the room “dude this guy is getting it in with a girl in the shower, while I was pissing!... he’s the fuckin man” Were all like oh damn. Five minutes later Max’s roommate and Lauren (one of my good friends in college now) come into the dorm from the shower with towels on. Honestly. 

So then Max is like “oh the girls are sleeping here tonight.” Matt and Craig get the idea and leave. Then, me, Max, and Star decide to do facemasks after a long night. 

Lets fast forward to this year, I am now a sophomore. Matt ends up coming to this school. Awesome. Huge rager on campus.  I go. My ex roommate and I are dancing and we bump into Matt, which apparently everyone is friends with him. So  I was like I’ll just force myself not to be awkward… Good thing I was not sober that night. 

We end up dancing….

We end up hooking up…

I hook up with one of my friends…

We all hook up at the same time…

I was really drunk. Might I add that I don’t drink this much anymore, because of choices like that. AKA good thing 4lokos are illegal. 

I see Matt sports rings on his fingers. Like man rings or something. First person, I have ever hookuped with who were man rings. He lets me where one, and explains that it was given to him to by his ex girlfriend and the ring means a lot to him. 

After that night , Matt texts me wanted to get dinner and and shit like that, trying to make something more the hookup.  And, to be honest, I was into something else. Nothing personal to Matt, but  the heart wants what it wants. 

He finally stops texting me and gets the point that I’m not into it. He asks for his ring back via text. 

Why do I lose the ring?

Honestly, why am I such a doushe?  

 I don’t respond to him thinking, the ring might pop up somewhere like in my room or in my backpack. He then proceeds to facebook message, call me and leave messages about the ring. 

Andddddd, well I finally just tell him that I lost the ring…. Yeah.

Leah= HAM

Can we also talk about today I was sprinting up a huge hill in front of my dorms, late for a meeting, and trip on my show, and do a superman layout. Honestly. HAM. 

Can we also talk about I have had lost 11 university id cards. Each id card cost ten dollars. HAM.

Family Fun

I might have inherited the lack of social skills and uncomfortable mannerisms from my parents, however I might’ve just learned them growing up over the years. I’m not really sure.

My Dad- My dad is a jokester. He thinks he SO funny. When I’m writing papers for college, I send him my work for him to proofread. So I sent him an essay about the how the rubber dildo and how it  was created in India, and he texts me “done editing. Question, after this paper, how many dildos do you own?” There is actually no filter. His wardrobe consist of suits and ties for work and sweatpants and sweatshirts for all the other occasions. My dad’s favorite shirt is this royal blue Tshirt. On the front it says “Foxy Lady 69.” My mom bought it for him. When he walks our dog, he also enjoys smoking a cigar, while sporting just boxers. Tell me why my dad doesn’t know the different between boxers and shorts .

My Mom- Sometimes, I wonder about my mom, like the way she thinks and how her opinions formulate, it’s like out of this world. Like space cadet status. (But some people can say the same thing about me). She converted to Judaism, 20 years ago, and still has this obsession with it. She loves going to bible class, quoting the bible, but then eats seafood… I will never understand. Her other hobby is trying to find me a rich, Jewish, husband (this is a serious statement). My mom also thinks the world is going to end in the year 2012.

My Brother, Eugene- My brother seems sweet and respectful, but he masks his true self – obnoxious, loud, vulgar, thinks he’s the shit type thing. Don’t get me wrong; love him, but sometimes I just want to smack him. When my brother was younger (elementary), before school, he would sit in front of the TV watching BET, while eating lunchables for breakfast – yes that is the image I always have of my brother. Today, he is in high school spending all his time computering.

Every time I leave to go back to college, my family and I eat out for dinner. Kind of like a last bonding thing ish. Let’s talk about how I shouldn’t go out in public with my family.

Indian Food – While we are enjoying our samosas, chutney, and vegetable curry, my mom asks me bluntly… “why don’t you have a boyfriend…? I already had 3 boyfriends when I was your age.” Me looking annoyed. My brother thinks that the question was directed towards him and says “Leah, doesn’t date boys, she just hooks up with them… get with the program mom.”

Thai Food-  So at this dinner it was just my mom and brother. While were waiting for our pad thai,  my brother goes “Leah, before you go to college, I just wanted to let you know that mom and dad still have lots of sex.” Me shocked. Mom quickly says “No... What are you talking about!?” Awkward pause. Stare at my brother. Stare at my mom. Mom looking down at the table. Mom starts smiling. Brother stars laughing. I’m uncomfortable. My brother than proceeds to say “ I know this because I’ve walked in on them on several occasions.” Thanks, Eugene…. I really needed that image in my mind. Forever scarred.  

Mexican Food- For some reason, it was only my dad and I. I think my brother and mother were out of town for this meal. We order dessert, I tell the waiter I want the fried ice cream with raspberries on the side. My dad blurts out (while the waiter is still there)… you might not want to get that.”  Then I proceed to say, “you might want to shut the fuck up.” Yes me and my dad are on that level, that we can curse at each other casually. Also, this was during winter break, when I gained the freshman 40.
Yes 40, and I was damn sexy.

Japanese Food- So we go to this Hibachi Steak House, which is a restaurant where they cook in front of you and you sit with strangers (like other people who come eat at the restaurant). So that night my family had 4 people, so we were designated to sit in the middle, and two other parties of 3 sat next to each other. An Asian couple and their daughter, and a Caucasian couple with their black son. So were all eating, each family having separate conversations, and my mom decides to ask me “What’s that dildo I found under your bed.” Mouth drops. Dad quickly responds “its perfectly normal to have one. Most women masturbate, anyway.” My brother “Leah likes the cock, likes the cock, cock, cock.” I begin to realize I wasn’t the only one shocked. Awkward stare from Asian women. Weird one eye  and eyebrow up from Asian man. Dirty look from Caucasian family. Caucasian family asks to be seated somewhere else.

Random details/episodes about the family:

*my dad found my blog and read up on all my adventures. Uncomfortable, I think yes.

*My parents (more my mom) have no sense of style or décor when it comes to decorating our house. Tell me why my kitchen used to be baby pink, and now is a beautiful shade of is periwinkle. The inside décor of our consists of menorahs, Jewish stars, pictures of Hindu deities, and huge Chinese elephant figurines. The Front of my house sports Buddha and Gnome sculptures.

*Our favorite family movie is Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. One and Two.

*When I go out with my friends at night I leave the house around 10ish, my mom likes to say “God will punish you. You will go to hell.”

*This one time I get really shwasted and dragoned all over my front steps at like 3 in the morning. The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”
Jokes. He thinks he’s so funny.

* I have this neighbor who lives a couple houses down. Bro status. Lacrosse player. Baseball cap to the side. Thinks he’s god gift to women. Apparently my mom thought so too. As he is sometimes playing basketball in front of his house, my mom decides to walk up to him and start conversation. Tell me why mom informs him that I think he is attractive. She then proceeds to ask him to join us for dinner sometime. (This is not the first time my mom played matchmaker).

*Senior year of high school, one of my friends decided to ask me to prom, by coming to my house and playing the tuba, while his friends hold up big posters spelling out PROM. My mom gets home from work, while this is going on. Watches what is going on.  Then my mom goes, who’s birthday is it? Then, proceeds to go inside the house.

Stay tuned for more adventures with the fam. oh there will be more. 

Longest Phase in the Cell Cycle

Junior year of high school a year of preparing for college applications and taking rigorous classes. Me, I was freaking the fuck out. I was applying to like 15 different schools I distinctly remember killing myself over with my AP Biology class. In retrospect, it was a great class taught me a lot of things about myself and introduced me to the subject of environmental studies, which is what I am majoring in college.

Back to the story, that year, in my world history class, was this boy... we will call him Jared. Jared was tallish, naturally built, deliciously tan, and had shiny copper longish hair. He was into skating on skateboards. Did drugs. Lots of drugs. Obviously, I was interested in him. Who wouldn't be? It was like was one of the characters from the movie Dazed and Confused.

Jared didn't really catch my attention until one day I was studying for my AP Biology test in World History (studying for classes in a different class was a regular for me) with all my study flash cards... all 100 of them, and the bell rang and class ended immediately. I was packing up quite quickly because I was nervous for my test when I accidentally dropped all 100 of my flash cards on the ground. Awesome. As I bent down to pick them up, Jared came over and helped me pick up my flash cards. Note that this was also embarrassing because the note cards were all in hot pink or electric blue pen. Some also had hello kitty stickers on them. When we both got up from the ground at the same time (this was also kind of awkward) he introduced himself. Now if you didn't know this about me before I'm such a sucker for dog lovers, Chipotle burritos and random acts of kindness. SO of course, that is when I was like YES my name is Leah and I have a crush on you. Nothing every blossomed from this encounter. I mean there was the occasional wave, head nod in class, etc. Basically, I was admiring from a far. I didn't hate it.

After I told my friends about his little encounter, apparently I was not the only one. My friends also were interested in Jared and all his pot smoking, guitar playing and, I’m so cool friends.   It was funny though because one of my friends... we will call her Sugar. Sugar was interested in Jared (and when I mean interested, I just mean she found him attractive) however Jared's best friend was interested in Sugar. Awkward.

(SIDE NOTE THIS ONE PARAGRAPH below IS probably is RIDICOULOUSLY FUNNY if you know who these people are in real life or you are from the 301):
Jared had this friend named Eric who had this supercool blue Mohawk and was mildly attractive. My other best friend at the time… Jasmine, we’ll call her Jasmine… had the hots for Eric. One time, Jasmine, Jared, Sugar, and Jared’s best friend were all hanging out, smoking pot in the park (the park where they all lived next to) and Jasmine says to Jared’s best friend “you need to hook me up with, your sexy friend Eric.” Jared’s best friend was like “iight, I gotchu!” Jasmine was in heaven, about to fly away on a magic carpet ride with Mohawk Eric.  30 minutes pass, and Eric meets up with them. However it wasn’t Mohawk Eric it was one of their other friends… Tall Eric. Jared’s best friend called up the wrong Eric! Tall Eric was gawky, pale, and extremely tall and extremely high all the time. Tall Eric walked up to Jasmine and goes “… wanna take a walk in the woods with me to look at the cabbage?” Jasmine looks at him in disgust and replies “Um..hold on.. one second.” Then she just leaves the park with her dog.  

Back to the real story, so one day my friends Sugar, Jasmine, and my other friend Beyonce phoned me and told me we were going to randomly get some ice cream. Who am I to turn down ice cream? So, I quickly get dressed and without a doubt in my mind I run outside into Beyonce’s car. We’re talking, laughing, and driving. Driving not to ice cream shop, but into Sugar’s Neighborhood. I ask everyone in the car where we were going? They all smile at me and say were going to Jared’s party. Awesome. To be honest though, my friends know me so well, and knew I and they knew I wouldn’t have gone out on a Thursday to drink, and especially to Jared’s house. Damn my friends. So we get there, and it’s chilling our blazed on couches on the left, Jared’s band playing on the right, blazing in the garage. So, were at this chill hangout/party.... I guess and of course I’m uncomfortable not knowing many people…meaning just my friends. So Beyonce starts playing BP with some randoms, Sugar gets taken away from me by Jared’s creepy best friend, Jasmine is trying to hit Mohawk Eric, and I’m just chillen with a Nattty Light. One becomes Two. Two becomes Four. Then I find this super awesome ping pong machine in the back and start playing and four quickly becomes six. Beyonce gets me in the back and asks me why I’m super unsocial… I tell her.. “I’m super uncomfortable/don’t know anyone/so drunk”. She pulls me away from that amazingly cool game machine and tell me to accompany her to the bathroom.
She pees and I turn around and close my eyes because Beyonce has certain issues with her naked body, other people’s naked body when going to the bathroom. Anyway, as we leave the bathroom we see Jared. Oh hey. There was also something the combo smell of cigarettes and axe body spray that was really hot in high school. We say hello, Beyonce has to ‘go to her car and get something’ and leaves me… with Jared…. great. At this point, I was like awesome my friends are leaving me for boys and I’m stuck with Jared. The reason why I wasn’t so thrilled so be with Jared is because A) he was so just so hot it was uncomfortable B) I didn’t think we’d actually hook up. 

So, were chatting about our World history class and his party in his Kitchen. That’s cool. He’s like ‘let me show you to some couches in the living room’ and ‘I’m like …okay... couches are cool’. Before we sit on the couch, there is this huge aquarium fish tank in the living room. Go over to the fish tank.  Jared follows. Both look at the fish. Me still in AP Biology crazy mode… so what do I do? I spit out “interphase is the longest phase in the cell cycle!” and it gets better …. “I love mitosis and meiosis…” Did I really just say that.. out loud? Jared goes “…that’s cool,” while leading me to sit on the couch. I’m drunk, and at this point I know Jared wants to hook up with me, so what do I do? I grab his hand and tell him I read his palm. Tell him about his parents. Tell him how many children he is going to have. He’s into it. I’m just uncomfortable. Then, after, awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Ooouch. I feel something hard under me. Cordless phone. Awkward Pause. Stare. Stare. Jared leans in “give me some sugaa..” I actually died when he said this, however I couldn’t show any feeling because I was so nervous. Obviously, we hook and get interrupted by Beyonce who says we need to leave.

So the next day after we hook up, walk into class. Teacher is reviewing for our test. Jared in class. Me coming in disheveled. Me stare at Jared. Jared stares at me… we basically have a stare war. I’m uncomfortable. Stare. Me sweating. Jared starts staring. Can’t handle. Fucking run out of class. (Inform me teacher the next day that I was ‘sick’). 

I have 3 questions. What as I thinking? Why am I so awkward? Why do I look like a crazy person?

My Biddies Back Home

Before I continue with anymore of my stories, I wanna give you a character list.  I think it becomes repetitive and annoying when I mention someone new and give a long description about them, when you really just want to continue about the story. Also, it makes the story more REAL and interesting if you know some background info on the people in my stories.
 
Star- As you know, we had a love and hate relationship (see jello shot girl post). I gave her a stripper name like star because she wins your attention with her outgoing, fun, and actually too much (sometimes) personality. She is an extremist, when she does something, she goes ALL the way. For example, in high school, she took up smoking pot, then became the biggest pot head, then hippie status, than finally realized her ways and changed herself before college. Boys love her carefree and flirty personality, she claims she doesn't like the wonderbread (white boys/bros) but that's all she attracts and ends up dating/hooking up with. It funny when we go out dancing, or to bars she has this thing of getting on stage and dancing  by herself and often likes to say 'I don't need a man, to make me happy.'

Jasmine-Jasmine is actually a ridiculous person. Girly girl. hair done. makeup on point. always a new outfit. Lives and breathes shopping. I named her after a princess because she acts like royalty. Always sweet, always looking out for her friends, always man crazy. She likes them James Dean status. Smoothe, slick, skinny but built, and extra good looking. She also has no filter. She WILL speak her mind. She's never sorry, and that's what I love about her.

Beyonce- No not the singer. She is one of best friends who can break it down. I knew of her booty popping skills, however haven't really seen her go down on a man since recently actually. Damn. At the bars. Face down, ass up. Beyonce is also FUCKING hilarious. She could be a comedian, like Dave Chappelle status. Dancing like your in a rap video and always crackin jokes will always attract the chicos. However, she has a type, unfortunately its: tall, white, skinny. I mean whatever floats your boat.

Sugar: Another stripper name. Surprised? Now Sugar  is one of my best friends who is sweet like sugar. Always thinking of others, always has manners, always respectful (especially to my parents) . She's really close with her family. She may come off as meek, however once you get to know her she is a fucking party. Boys, girls, my parents.... everyone thinks shes attractive. I'm not sure if she has realized this but Sugar can get a man within a snap of her fingers. She's a huge tease. It's pretty hilarious to watch boys salivate at her presence.

Roxy: Roxy is just Roxy. No explanation. I've known Roxy since the 5th grade. She is a huge tomboy. HUGE redskins fan. Loves hanging out with the opposite sex. There are only 3 things Roxy will wear: business attire, sweatpants and sweatshirts, and lingerie for her man. Roxy always has a man most of the time. It funny because Roxy hooked up with this guy who currently goes to my school now. Hilarious. He tried to hit it... and 'I was like dude you hookuped with my best friend!' Also she's a bitch. When were at the bars, Roxy does 2 different things. If an attractive boy asks her to dance, she will dance them only for half a song and then asks them to buy her a drink. If they say no, she says see you lataaa. If its a not so attractive boy asks her to dance, shes says GET THE FUCK OFF ME. Coolest girl I know.


Love my friends from the 301. I had trouble freshman year of college because I tried to find people like my friends, but then I realized no one can replace them.

High School Hotties

High school was my prime time for being inept, tongue tied, graceless, uncomfortable, and self-conscious. Two stories that really stick out in my mind, freshman year of high school, are about two different boys aka some high school hotties, let’s be honest.  

We will call him John.  I was a freshman, John was junior. John was actually beautiful, there’s something about Latinos… there just so attractive on so many levels. I was not sure where John was from but if I had to guess I would go with Columbia. Good jaw line, light eyes, good teeth, rockin body, obviously bringin sexy back. 

In high school, our foreign language department and our art department were in the same hallway. That year I was taking ceramics, and John was taking French. Since, both are classes were in the same hall obviously we came into contact, walking past each other to get to our next class. At first, it was smile and a smile back from time to time. 

Then, one day he finally introduced himself. Introductions were fine, I didn’t stutter, and when he asked me what I like to do for fun, I was quick on my feet to answer field hockey.  Two days later, after class, I walked into the hallway, and there mad people in the hall too because class was over, however I spotted John from down hall. So I’m obviously was walking in his direction to say hello, I was already somewhat sweating because I was that nervous because he was so hot (and in my defense, I was also sweating because there were so many bodies around me trying to get to their next class). So I finally reach him, and he goes in for a big hug. Now, as I have mentioned before in my past blog posts I am not one for hugs. Without thinking, I go in for the hug too, but instead of hugging him I hug his left arm. In other words, instead of going in between his arms and hugging his stomach, I moved more to the left of him and inched up to him, and then ended up hugging his left arm. John goes “umm.. okay?.. um.” Then, I go “oh… sorry! I mean.. um.. yeah” Then he responds by saying “no, its cool” and smiles. I of course freak the fuck out (in my mind) and walk away quickly. Slick move, Leah. I still can’t believe I did that… realll, how could I hug is left arm?

After that, to my surprise he would say hi and try to hang out, but I just couldn’t, I was just so embarrassed.  Of course, I told all my friends what happened and then they waited until I told them the whole story to tell me they saw the whole thing in action. 

The next boy… we will call him Dave. Dave and I went to middle school and high school together. Okay, so yes I thought he was attractive when I first met him in middle school, but after I actually exchanged words with him, I wasn’t with it. Don’t get me wrong, he was really sweet and intelligent (let’s be honest he was a fucking genius), but he wasn’t really my cup to tea. 

 So the summer before freshman year, I just assumed he went through the wondrous magic of puberty because when he stepped into my English class and I was in awe. Now, he looked like was Abercrombie and Fitch status. He was one of your typical dark brown hair, blue eyes, big muscles, lacrosse playing, all American, all sexy, boy. 

So our high school was made up of many middle schools joining together, so when Dave stepped into the English classroom, yes I was like oh damn, but…. it was still Dave. Dave who enjoyed algebra and torturing/flirting girls in middle school with saccade bugs (in the 7^th grade the saccade bugs came out of their shell… disgusting). However, for the people who did not know him… he was a Greek god. A beautiful Abercrombie and Fitch Greek god, if that’s even possible. In class I was assigned to sit next to Dave and I didn’t really mind because we’ve been friends since middle school. I also made friends with some of the girls in my English class (who actually are my best friends still today). A couple weeks into the class, they confess their love for Dave to me, and of course I was like “yeah, I know!” To be honest, I didn’t like him/ didn’t think he was that attractive but you when your friends hype the situation, you can’t just help but go on the band wagon. 

One day, in class, my friend mouths to me, across them “Dave is sooo hot,” while Dave was sitting next to me, concentrating on his essay. I nod my head agreeing with her, and as I turn to look at Dave, I don’t know what comes over me, but this huge glob of split, went flying from my mouth onto his arm. Minutes later, he realizes my saliva is on his arm. I look at my saliva on his arm. He jumps up from class, starts freaking out, “Leah just spat all over my arm.. Leah, omg were are no longer friends!” Of course, I’m trying to hide, by covering my face, obviously that is a fail. He runs out of the classroom to wash my spit off his arm. I honestly have no idea how and why how I accidentally managed to form that much saliva and spit it all over his arm till this day.

The next day, everything was normal and he acted like nothing happened… and so did I. We lost touch as friends (I don’t know if it was because of this incident), but remained acquaintances throughout high school. My friend Star (more info mentioned in the Jello Shot Girl post) actually hooked up with Dave for quite a while, senior year and of course I had to tell her this story. When I shared this story with her, she laughed and then shared stories about how Dave was actually a sloppy kisser. I died.

Jello Shot Girl

I'm about to go out tonight, but before I do I wanted to share one of  my first experiences with alcohol. So I think it was sophomore of high school, late October, early November. It was the night of the homecoming dance. The dance was lame, but me all my friends were really excited for the after party! So, I thought it would be super awesome to make jello shots for the party (till this day, I think jello shots are so much fun).


Earlier that day, my parents said that they would be having dinner in DC. In my mind, I was like whaddddddup jello shot time. So right when my parents left the house, I was quickly grabbing ingredients.. Koniak, jello mix, etc. I remember the Koniak was from one of my Russian friends, but I can't seem remember why or how I had it under my bed, next to my vibrator (yeah that happened, not sorry). So, I make the jello shots.. and stack 'em in the fridge. Hours later, I totally forgot they were still in the fridge.. my parents call me to tell me that they would be coming home in 20 minutes. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. Race to the refrigerator, start putting the cups of jello on platters. Then I suddenly realize that the jello shots did not solidify. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. SO. what do I do?...

I start chugging all the liquid jello shots of Koniak. Might i remind you I use half a bottle of Koniak. I think my thought process was at this point: well, everyone is gonna be drunk, its not gonna hurt anyone if I get a head start. Taking shots, shots, by myself.. (in retrospect what the fuck was I was thinking...damn). I hear the garage door opening, as I am cleaning up my empty cups and trays. Run to the living, turn on the TV, pretend watching BET (yes BET... brother's favorite show). Parents come in, say hello, go upstairs. I was just trying to talk straight because I was fucking shwasted out of my mind, not even at the party yet. My friend and her boyfriend call me later to tell me their coming to pick me up to go the afftaa party. I snuck out from the backyard door (also in retrospect, why did I sneak out... I had no idea because my parents would've let me go anyway). I then went stumbling through my yard.. then quickly sprinted to the middle of the street where they would pick me up. At this point I am in the middle of the street, chillen, with the empty Koniak bottle in my hands. Lights flash in my eyes, black car drives right in front of me, oh hey guys, Im just chillen in the street. They both are waving their hands conveying to get in the car.. So I try to walk over... walk into the front of the car, fall on top of the hood of the car, get back up, and walk slowly to the side of the car to get in. I'm so fucking drunk. I get into the car. We all chat. I tell them what happened, they exchanged looks. Its a good time... I don't really remember much at this point.

So the three of us arrive at this little shin dig, I'm having a good time, let be honest. We get inside the house, we greet everyone. Oh how I greet everyone. By sophomore year, I was not the huging type, I felt like hugs were awkward... but tonight it was like hugs not drugs. After these hugs and hellos, I realized that noone was drunk... just me.... AWESOME. Cool. I  actually can't seem to remember why no one else was drinking. So everyone was just having a good time... sober. I was just  having a blast by myself. The rest of the night is a little blurry, but  I distinctly remember 4 things that happened that night.

1. No filter. Secrets were coming out. Damn. My best friend's boyfriend. I walk up to him. Literally said "so many people ARE in love with you... SO many.. " Then, I started naming my friends and  giving reasons why they like him. The funny part is that none of them liked him, except for my best friend who was obviously dating him. Also, he believed every word that  came out of my mouth that night. (haaaa even though it was not true).

2. My other best friend... let's call her Star. That name suits her. Anyway, I've known star since like the 5th grade. We went to camp together, but we didn't end up going to the same school since high school. In high school, we had this special love hate relationship:

Freshman year: Acquaintance.
Sophomore year: I fucking hate you go die.
Junior  year: your annoying.
Senior year: Best Friends.

Yep, so it was sophomore year and Star was at the party too (I don't know why). She was nominated and won Homecoming queen that year (and pretty much every year of high school.. pretty sure). So we are just all hanging out aka everyone crowding around me because I was such a hilarious drunk. I guess Star didn't like how all the attention was on me considering she was JUST crowned homecoming queen that night. She makes a comment "Leah, your so drunk. Pull your self together" Then I say " Don't be talkin' shit, just be you WON..... whore." Star gives me the dirtiest look. Leah 1, Star 0. Its funny how things turn out, today were inseparable.. who knew. If your reading this right now,  I LOVE YOU.

3. So, if you didn't know this about me already, when I don't like you or despise you I will kill you with kindness and dirty looks. I mean to be honest, sometimes I really like the sweater your wearing, but if I'm ever extra extra nice. I just don't like you. Also, I have been told that I give dirty looks all the time, no that's just my face. LOL. You'll know when I give you a dirty look, believe me. Back to the story, there is this girl, we'll call her Jesse. Jesse is not a good person, wronged me, and all my friends in different sick and twisted ways, always scheming, even till this day. So, I see Jesse give her a hug. Then  I just start, complimenting everything. "you hair so cute, dress fabulous, Ive never told you this but I think your so beautiful, the  presentation you did in class yesterday so good, your so smart, your so intelligent, lets be like best friends like omg."My friends were giving me dirty looks from the corner.. like what the fuck are you doing dirty looks. At this point, I don't feel so good. This leads into #4.

4. So I don't  feel so good. Try to stand up.. actually I can't even stand. Damn, I feel like a sack of crap right now. One of friends, picks me up and takes me upstairs, but I really struggle for him to let go because they guy who is having the party's parents are upstairs. When we get upstairs, his parents tell him, he should take me home. My friends picks me up again and carries me on his shoulders.. he opens the front door. Can't hold it in any longer. Vomit all over him and this random dude's porch. All the party decides to join us on the front porch. I'm literally vomiting  for a good 10 minutes. My face, and hands, dress, shoes covered in red gook... mmm delicious. After, I walk in the grass of their front yard, and plop on the ground. I remember my best friends boyfriend stroking my back saying everything we'll be fine. Sweet guy. Sweet guy until he fucked my friend over. I assume they called my dad, because my dad rolls up with my car and takes me home. The next day, my dad goes up to me and says, "so your drinking now... that's cool. Make sure your not the only one next time" and then he made me call that dude who had the party and apologize for the red gook and my behavior in general.

From then on, my friends would call me jello shot girl at school. That's cool I guess.