Blitz Attack

So from the previous posts, one can assume that I am trying to figure out my sexuality. I have been with guys in the past, but I have a girlfriend now. I wanted to tell my parental units what was going on in my life and what I was going through now, also informing them I have a girlfriend. Because last time I checked they assumed I was very much straight. So I wanted to tell them this at the right time and right place. However, I’m a fucking dumbass and should’ve known that I am incapable of such things.

As my dad and I were driving in a tow truck (because we obtained 2 flat tires because my dad hit a random rock) he mentioned that he has read my blog. He quoted a lot of things in the ‘Jello Shot Girl post’. First, that’s awkward on so many levels. Your parents should never know in detail what you do when it comes to sex, drugs, and alcohol. Second, How did he find my blog? Because I posted it as my status on facebook and were facebook friends. Also, at this moment in time, for some reason, it didn’t cross my mind that he read the ‘My Girlfriend Cheated on Me’ or ‘Same Sex Drunk Hookups’ posts which indicate I have a girlfriend.

That night, as my nanny was preparing sushi for my brother’s lunch, while we were catching up. I have known my nanny since I was in the 2^nd grade.  My nanny begins to tell me about this women she is currently working for. This woman is lawyer, has two beautiful baby girls, and has a wife. She then proceeds in saying “She’s really great. And a lesbian.” Awkward pause. Looks at me. I look at her nonchalantly. Then, she continues to tell me about the two baby girls. In my mind, I’m like awesome. How does she know? I am friends with both her children on facebook, who must have seen my relationship status and told my Nanny. Cool beans.

Later that night, I start skyping with Sugar in my room. Were chatting, chatting, were chatting about my girlfriend, were chatting about her boyfriend, then about frozen yogurt, blah blah blah.  When we finish skyping, I go to my brother’s room which is right next door to say hello. And this is what happen: 

Me: wassuspppppp. What are you up to?

My brother just stares stares at me and smiles.

Brother: maybe you should speak softer when talking to Sugar about you girlfriend

I’m in shock, obviously at this moment. . . 

Me: ohh okay...

My dad walks in (how convenient, I know)

Me: uncomfortable, hyperventilating

My brother then begins to start laughing!

Me: Eugene, lets talk about that at another time perhaps maybe over dinner.

Dad: talk about what?

My brother now is dying on the floor of laughter.

I’m still uncomfortable. . .

Dad: oh.. about you sexual preferences ?

Dad: starts laughing.

Me: stare at the them.

Me: stare at the floor.

Me: walk away.

That my friends is a called a blitz attack! That actually came out of nowhere/ didn’t see that coming.

I don’t know if they were serious or not. Perhaps it’s time we sat down and had a talk fo real because that was just oh so fucking unreal and uncomfortable.

Jello Shot Girl

I'm about to go out tonight, but before I do I wanted to share one of  my first experiences with alcohol. So I think it was sophomore of high school, late October, early November. It was the night of the homecoming dance. The dance was lame, but me all my friends were really excited for the after party! So, I thought it would be super awesome to make jello shots for the party (till this day, I think jello shots are so much fun).


Earlier that day, my parents said that they would be having dinner in DC. In my mind, I was like whaddddddup jello shot time. So right when my parents left the house, I was quickly grabbing ingredients.. Koniak, jello mix, etc. I remember the Koniak was from one of my Russian friends, but I can't seem remember why or how I had it under my bed, next to my vibrator (yeah that happened, not sorry). So, I make the jello shots.. and stack 'em in the fridge. Hours later, I totally forgot they were still in the fridge.. my parents call me to tell me that they would be coming home in 20 minutes. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. Race to the refrigerator, start putting the cups of jello on platters. Then I suddenly realize that the jello shots did not solidify. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. SO. what do I do?...

I start chugging all the liquid jello shots of Koniak. Might i remind you I use half a bottle of Koniak. I think my thought process was at this point: well, everyone is gonna be drunk, its not gonna hurt anyone if I get a head start. Taking shots, shots, by myself.. (in retrospect what the fuck was I was thinking...damn). I hear the garage door opening, as I am cleaning up my empty cups and trays. Run to the living, turn on the TV, pretend watching BET (yes BET... brother's favorite show). Parents come in, say hello, go upstairs. I was just trying to talk straight because I was fucking shwasted out of my mind, not even at the party yet. My friend and her boyfriend call me later to tell me their coming to pick me up to go the afftaa party. I snuck out from the backyard door (also in retrospect, why did I sneak out... I had no idea because my parents would've let me go anyway). I then went stumbling through my yard.. then quickly sprinted to the middle of the street where they would pick me up. At this point I am in the middle of the street, chillen, with the empty Koniak bottle in my hands. Lights flash in my eyes, black car drives right in front of me, oh hey guys, Im just chillen in the street. They both are waving their hands conveying to get in the car.. So I try to walk over... walk into the front of the car, fall on top of the hood of the car, get back up, and walk slowly to the side of the car to get in. I'm so fucking drunk. I get into the car. We all chat. I tell them what happened, they exchanged looks. Its a good time... I don't really remember much at this point.

So the three of us arrive at this little shin dig, I'm having a good time, let be honest. We get inside the house, we greet everyone. Oh how I greet everyone. By sophomore year, I was not the huging type, I felt like hugs were awkward... but tonight it was like hugs not drugs. After these hugs and hellos, I realized that noone was drunk... just me.... AWESOME. Cool. I  actually can't seem to remember why no one else was drinking. So everyone was just having a good time... sober. I was just  having a blast by myself. The rest of the night is a little blurry, but  I distinctly remember 4 things that happened that night.

1. No filter. Secrets were coming out. Damn. My best friend's boyfriend. I walk up to him. Literally said "so many people ARE in love with you... SO many.. " Then, I started naming my friends and  giving reasons why they like him. The funny part is that none of them liked him, except for my best friend who was obviously dating him. Also, he believed every word that  came out of my mouth that night. (haaaa even though it was not true).

2. My other best friend... let's call her Star. That name suits her. Anyway, I've known star since like the 5th grade. We went to camp together, but we didn't end up going to the same school since high school. In high school, we had this special love hate relationship:

Freshman year: Acquaintance.
Sophomore year: I fucking hate you go die.
Junior  year: your annoying.
Senior year: Best Friends.

Yep, so it was sophomore year and Star was at the party too (I don't know why). She was nominated and won Homecoming queen that year (and pretty much every year of high school.. pretty sure). So we are just all hanging out aka everyone crowding around me because I was such a hilarious drunk. I guess Star didn't like how all the attention was on me considering she was JUST crowned homecoming queen that night. She makes a comment "Leah, your so drunk. Pull your self together" Then I say " Don't be talkin' shit, just be you WON..... whore." Star gives me the dirtiest look. Leah 1, Star 0. Its funny how things turn out, today were inseparable.. who knew. If your reading this right now,  I LOVE YOU.

3. So, if you didn't know this about me already, when I don't like you or despise you I will kill you with kindness and dirty looks. I mean to be honest, sometimes I really like the sweater your wearing, but if I'm ever extra extra nice. I just don't like you. Also, I have been told that I give dirty looks all the time, no that's just my face. LOL. You'll know when I give you a dirty look, believe me. Back to the story, there is this girl, we'll call her Jesse. Jesse is not a good person, wronged me, and all my friends in different sick and twisted ways, always scheming, even till this day. So, I see Jesse give her a hug. Then  I just start, complimenting everything. "you hair so cute, dress fabulous, Ive never told you this but I think your so beautiful, the  presentation you did in class yesterday so good, your so smart, your so intelligent, lets be like best friends like omg."My friends were giving me dirty looks from the corner.. like what the fuck are you doing dirty looks. At this point, I don't feel so good. This leads into #4.

4. So I don't  feel so good. Try to stand up.. actually I can't even stand. Damn, I feel like a sack of crap right now. One of friends, picks me up and takes me upstairs, but I really struggle for him to let go because they guy who is having the party's parents are upstairs. When we get upstairs, his parents tell him, he should take me home. My friends picks me up again and carries me on his shoulders.. he opens the front door. Can't hold it in any longer. Vomit all over him and this random dude's porch. All the party decides to join us on the front porch. I'm literally vomiting  for a good 10 minutes. My face, and hands, dress, shoes covered in red gook... mmm delicious. After, I walk in the grass of their front yard, and plop on the ground. I remember my best friends boyfriend stroking my back saying everything we'll be fine. Sweet guy. Sweet guy until he fucked my friend over. I assume they called my dad, because my dad rolls up with my car and takes me home. The next day, my dad goes up to me and says, "so your drinking now... that's cool. Make sure your not the only one next time" and then he made me call that dude who had the party and apologize for the red gook and my behavior in general.

From then on, my friends would call me jello shot girl at school. That's cool I guess.