Go Green!

Summer time, when the living is easy. I have really close friends from home, and when I come back from college, I am always super ecstatic to see them. When I mean super ecstatic, I mean get really drunk. 

I snipe some whiskey and Jack Daniel’s from my dad’s stash and my friends and I start pre gaming at my house.  Some girl from high school is having a party at her college apartment about an hour away. We go.  We bring mixed drinks in recycled canteens, cups and mugs, that I have at my house and put them one of those eco friendly bags... you know the one’s you put your groceries in, instead of plastic bags. We get into Sugar’s car, continuing to drink. My mindset at this point was schools over, I’m at home for the summer, lets get fucked up. 

We get to the party, and it basically like a blast from the past, people from high school. Summary of the events that happened at the party:

•  Drunk pictures
• Sugar hookups with her ex boyfriend’s best friend
•   Star plays beer bong and looses
•  I’m really drunk
•  Beyonce is flirting with random boys 
•   I keep drinking

Obviously, the good shit happens after we leave the party. So, the girl who was throwing the party forgot to tell her roommates  about the party.... so obviously they were pissed…  and party shuts down. We all leave. We drive back and decide we want to go get some burger king.

However, as were driving home, I don’t feel good and begin to get flustered. 

I think you know what happen’s next…

I start dragooning in Sugar’s car. In retrospect, not surprised. Sugar, again I am so sorry, I was just so happy to see my biddies back home! Anyway, Star is like “throw up in the eco friendly bag, dude!” So she puts the bag in between her legs and my face is in her crotch, vomiting, nice chunks of my dinner. So ironic, especially because I am an environmental studies major.  Star later admits to me the next day, she felt like vomiting as well when I was vomiting into the bag…. and it took her all her might not to vomit on me. Damn. That would have been a fucking shit show. It would be like 2 girls, 1 cup... but not. 

We finally get to burger king.  I stopped my  vomiting. We get out of the car. Why am I undressing my clothes in the bk parking lot? Why are some of the guys from the party driving into the burger king parking lot? Perfect timing. 

Fast forward, so were driving back to my house, so we can all pass out. We all walk to my door, me holding my  own vomit in an eco friendly bag. Walking up to  the door to my house… feel all kinds of queasy. Didn’t make it to the bathroom in my house, and dragoned all over the welcome mat in front of my door, giving the entrance of my home a nice creamy, green soupy decoration at 3 in the morning. Delish. How convenient and again, ironic, the color was a beautiful shade of green.

(So, if  you have read the family fun blog post, you will hear this again)

The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”

Honestly.

Hot Ass Mess

So I was into my second semester of my freshman year, chillen. Getting the hang of my university (…well surdove). So I was coming back from dinner with some friends off campus, and went on a university bus, which is a bus that takes you into town and back to campus. So, me and some friends are on the this bus and see other mutual friends. They say hi, and I get introduced to this guy named … we’ll call him Matt. So, me and matt hit it off, I get my flirt on, nothing crazy though. When we arrived on campus, my friends and I were dropped off where my dorms were, and say goodbye the mutual friends and Matt. I was like whatever, never going to see him again. 

So wrong. 

That night we end up going to this party off campus. Before, I continue I would like to add that my best friend from home was visiting me, Star. 

So we get to this party and my girls and I were dancing, drinking have a good time… Then  I see Matt there. We end up dancing… whatever. We end up hooking up…whatever. (Do not judge by choices under the influence.)  So we continue to dance, and my friend Star is dancing all alone and I feel bad…and I tell this Matt. He goes “oh lemme get my boy, Craig.” Next thing you know Craig and Star are going at it. Can I also say Star lied and told Craig and everyone else at the party she was 22 and goes to Harvard University. They believed her. Fucking ridiculous, honestly.

Then  me and Matt make conversation while dancing…  like where are you from, what are you doing later tonight, and what year are you? So, I begin to tell him I am a freshman. He responds saying he is a prefresh. 

Honestly. 

Okay in retrospect, I don’t feel like a pedophile because he technically was a just a year younger, but HONESTLY. He was still in high school. Damn. If you saw someone on campus, you would just assume they went to your university ..awesome.  

Party ends. We are going back to my dorms. I'm drunk and mortified. Star has her tongue down Craig’s throat. I’m trying to get Matt and Craig off my balls, so I could go to bed, honestly. So we go to my friends dorm, we’ll call him Max. We go Max’s dorm, and me, Star, Matt, and Craig are just chillen. Matt needs to go to the bathroom.  I quickly tell Max what my dilemma is so he can tell Matt and Craig to go home and stop trying to get it in, because it wasn’t going to happen. I personally am not a confrontational person so I wanted Max to do it.  Matt quickly comes in all flustered, telling everyone in the room “dude this guy is getting it in with a girl in the shower, while I was pissing!... he’s the fuckin man” Were all like oh damn. Five minutes later Max’s roommate and Lauren (one of my good friends in college now) come into the dorm from the shower with towels on. Honestly. 

So then Max is like “oh the girls are sleeping here tonight.” Matt and Craig get the idea and leave. Then, me, Max, and Star decide to do facemasks after a long night. 

Lets fast forward to this year, I am now a sophomore. Matt ends up coming to this school. Awesome. Huge rager on campus.  I go. My ex roommate and I are dancing and we bump into Matt, which apparently everyone is friends with him. So  I was like I’ll just force myself not to be awkward… Good thing I was not sober that night. 

We end up dancing….

We end up hooking up…

I hook up with one of my friends…

We all hook up at the same time…

I was really drunk. Might I add that I don’t drink this much anymore, because of choices like that. AKA good thing 4lokos are illegal. 

I see Matt sports rings on his fingers. Like man rings or something. First person, I have ever hookuped with who were man rings. He lets me where one, and explains that it was given to him to by his ex girlfriend and the ring means a lot to him. 

After that night , Matt texts me wanted to get dinner and and shit like that, trying to make something more the hookup.  And, to be honest, I was into something else. Nothing personal to Matt, but  the heart wants what it wants. 

He finally stops texting me and gets the point that I’m not into it. He asks for his ring back via text. 

Why do I lose the ring?

Honestly, why am I such a doushe?  

 I don’t respond to him thinking, the ring might pop up somewhere like in my room or in my backpack. He then proceeds to facebook message, call me and leave messages about the ring. 

Andddddd, well I finally just tell him that I lost the ring…. Yeah.

Leah= HAM

Can we also talk about today I was sprinting up a huge hill in front of my dorms, late for a meeting, and trip on my show, and do a superman layout. Honestly. HAM. 

Can we also talk about I have had lost 11 university id cards. Each id card cost ten dollars. HAM.

The Abandoned House

Junior year of high school, my best friend Jasmine decides she wants to go all out for her birthday party. What does she decide to do? Throw a neon dance party.  I mean that’s whats up. The only problem was she could not find a space to have the party. She couldn’t do it at her house or at the pool house or whatever. Finally, we will call him… Justin, offered his second “house”. Notice those quotations marks. Jasmine was like alright. I mean Jasmine and our friends didn’t really know Justin that well/ had never been to other “house”. But Jasmine was gung hoe about this party so she was like whatever, and agreed to have it at Justin’s “house”. 

So we prep for the party a week advance. Jasmine is big on décor so she bought jaw breakers, other assorted arrangements of candy, streamers, white lights, and made a ton of burned booty popping CD’s.  

Jasmine makes the point obvious that is a BYOB type thing. So that night, I remember I snuck into my dad cabinet to get some whiskey. Can we talk about that is the only thing he drinks. Can we also talk about how that made my high school drinking experience a living hell. I mixed the whiskey with some orange juice. So, at this point I’m ready for the party. Dressed and had my pregame drink set. I’m waiting for my friend to pick me up. Bored. What do I do? Start drinking the whiskey. Friend picks me up. We go to my other friend’s house. Shots were taken. (vodka shots, for clarification). I’m extremely fucked up, my other friends weren’t. They just had like 2 or 3 shots, but I’m like so fucked (due to the whiskey). We then to proceed to go to this party. We look at the the address for the party and realize it is somewhere in my friends neighborhood, so were like super siced it’s close by.  We roll up by the house. My mouth drops. My friends start laughing. I see Jasmine’s car park near the house. Obviously, she is there. We go inside the house, I distinctly remember thinking to myself “is this fucking forreal?” 

The house was under construction and only half built. The roof is still made out of wood, the floor is cement, no windows, no door, some of the inner walls consist of cardboard and wood.  Anyway, I saw that Jasmine decorated the house with white lights. Kanye West was playing from a boom box in a room that seemed like a living room. I greet Jasmine, Star, Beyonce and other people who came to the party. I fucking realize I am the only one plastered out of my mind... again. What the fuck? Why do I always do this? (See jello shot girl post) 

Whatever. I don’t really give a fuck and start dancing. I see Andy… why do I run into his arms and jump on top of him. Why do I grab his butt? Andy goes to my high school. Andy and I aren’t friends. Andy and I have never spoken a word to each other. 

The following events I’m about to tell, I don’t personally remember myself but Beyonce was eager to reiterate what happened the rest of the night to me the next day:

Surprisingly there was a good turn out, even though the party is in a abandoned house. Beyonce comments on my new and cute fake channel purse (don’t judge me that was thing to do/wear, back in the day) and asks me she wants to see it. She opens the purse. First, she finds my empty whiskey bottle in my bag. Then she finds a jar of peanut butter and 20 plastic spoons. She asks me why I have this. I tell her that if the cops come, I will quickly shove massive amounts of peanut butter in my mouth. (Okay, in my defense before the party, I had heard from many people aka Jasmine that peanut butter masks the smell of alcohol, so the breathalyzer that cops use can not detect how much alcohol you intake.) Beyonce then asks me why I have 20 spoons. I respond by telling her that if anyone else wanted to join me, I would have spoons for them. I mean I really didn’t need to bring any more spoons anyway, since I was the only one drunk. What the fuck. 

Later at the party, I see Dave (see high school hotties post). At this point I grabbed a jaw breaker (like the size of a half quarter) from the food table, and run up to him. I literally go up to him and say “Dave… Look how I can shove this jaw breaker down my throat!” Throw the jaw breaker up in the air so I could catch it with my mouth.  I miss my mouth and the jaw breaker hits my eye. Awesome. I’m a fucking idiot/ it hurt so badly. 

So drunk. Quickly run into this other room where the music seems to be louder. I see the body rollers. At my school, there were these girls who would dance and grind on top of each other in school like randomly at lunch in the cafeteria, in the court yard, before class with no music. They were ridicoulous. Tryna be the shit, wearing low cut tops and trying to attract any kind boy attention. They also made home videos in there basements. My friends and I would call them the body rollers. Come to think of it I didn’t even know who invited them. Anyway, I run to them and start body rolling with them. Dancing, laughing with them. I'm obviously so cool. 

Then, I ended up outside in front of the house. Many people were outside the house chillin. I see my friend (we will call him Peter) parking his car next to the house. Peter gets out and waves to me and I wave to him. As I am waving I see blue and red.

Fuck.  

I than  hear cop cars approaching. What the fuck. Freaking out because I am so drunk.  I mean I should’ve saw this happening, after looking at the under constructed  house. Obviously a neighbor would call the police telling them a bunch  of kids are in an abandoned house. 

 

I sprint in to the house. See Beyonce. Scream “COPPSSSSSSS!” She doesn’t believe me because I am drunk. Seconds, later everyone starts screaming that there are cops. Beyonce exclaims to me to follow her downstairs in to the basement where there is a door that exits to the outside. As we are going down the stairs, I push Beyonce out of the way and sprint out the door.  I mean it wasn’t like I pushed her down the stairs it was like a sudden shove. I’m sorry Beyonce again, if you are reading this! When we get out the door, me, Beyonce, and a couple other people run into another person’s backyard. Were chilling in this backyard, next to this huge bush. Apparently I told everyone to stay calm and instructed everyone were going to sleep next to this bush tonight.  I get some dirty looks from people. I also get some laughs. Beyonce was like no and said someone was going to pick us up. Were waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Suddenly, we hear all these ducks noises. Then we start seeing these ducks appearing randomly. They all congregate near this one boy from the party, we will call me Kyle. Kyle looks a bit scared. The ducks look possessed, like Kyle was their leader or something. I start laughing. Like what the fuck, so random. We all start laughing. 

It’s funny because everytime I tell that story to someone and when I get to the part about Kyle. I get hype. I always tell people he was attacked by the ducks. People tend to laugh, especially people who know him laugh because that would happen to him. 

Finally our ride comes half an hour later. Well, some ride. This massive black escalade roles up, and this girl we barely knew took us in her car. (I mean she went to our high school, and Jasmine knew her, but the rest of didn’t) In retrospect, it was really nice that she picked us up. When we got in the car, there the car was already packed. We all had to smush in the back. Where was I? I was like lying across 6 bodies that were sitting in the back. Awesome. 

We get dropped off at T Square. T Square is this area that consists of a 7 11, nail salon, a burger king, and some random other sketchy restaurants. It was kind of the hotspot for highschoolers in our town to go, after hours. A lot of asain break dancers like to dance in the parking lot. But  mostly you go there after a party, or after you smoke a lot of weed you go there to eat burger king, or if you nothing to do, you there in general. Me and Beyonce met up with Star, Sugar, and Jasmine, etc at Burger King. Beyonce notices I don’t have my black channel bag. I must of left it at the abandoned house. Awesome. It has my ID. Awesome. It smells like alcohol. 

After freaking out for an hour, Jasmine’s older sister appears with the bag in her hand. Jasmine called her to go get it from the house. I fucking love Jasmine’s sister. I take my ID out of the bag and throw the bag in the trash. Why? To be honest, I don’t remember. 

I don't even understand that night at all. All I have to say is that was actually the craziest birthday party I have ever been to. damn.

Same Sex Drunk Hookups

So, I go to one of Joe’s (see ‘jesus is my lord and savior’ post) parties again over the summer. I just can’t get enough. Everyone is having a good time. Beer pong in the living room, casual drinking in kitchen,  smoking upstairs in Joe’s dad room. So one of my friends… (we will call him Aaron) just broke up with his long his girlfriend of like 3 years.  Before the party at like lunch or something he me that  he was trying to get some girls number at the bars, and he was like ‘can I have your number’ and then goes in for a handshake.’ Clearly, out of the game. 

So, at this party he wanted to practice his flirting skills with some girls at the party. He practiced it with girls who I just assume were seniors in  high school, so the task at hand was  not really THAT difficult…. let’s be real here. Aaron begins to flirt with this girl Mary (we’ll call her Mary) all night. They were feelin each other (Aaron was feelin her lot, later telling me, he wanted to get digits and a date). I gave Aaron the occasional head nod and ‘getting it in’ body thrusts, while he was talking to her. 

Later that night, Mary, and her friends Ben and Jason were sitting kind of in a circle in the middle of the kitchen. The ask me to come over and sit down with them. I was like okay. Mary tells me they want to play truth or dare. And who am I going to pass up a game when all my friends (Aaron, Jasmine, Beyonce, Sugar) are getting shitty or getting it on, or I don’t even know, lets be honest. So the first couple dares are like ‘chug this whole thing of beer’ or ‘lick the toilet seat.’ Then Ben goes, ‘Mary I dare you to kiss Leah’. In my mind, I’m like fuck. I begin to sweat (are you shocked?). I then give her this look of like ‘I don’t know/scared look’ Mary then proceeds to tell me “oh, it’ll be fine... it’s just like kissing boys.” Yeah. So. She kind of leans in and grabs my neck and gives it to me long and from what I and remember a bit sloppy. Who walks in the kitchen? Yes. Aaron. Cool. He looks at what happens and turns around. That’s cool. Yes, why do these things happen to me? Tell me because I would like to know. 

I mean me and Aaron joke about it now.... a year later. He actually facebooked me the other day and was like ‘yo you have Mary’s number, cause I’m still tryna hit it.’ 

Next story:

In the beginning of the semester, I went to this frat party. Get mad drunk. Hookup up with this really hot girl, who I’ve always thought was really attractive. We will call her hot tottie. I didn’t really know her at the time l but I do invite her back to my dorm, after the frat party… she says no. Awkward. 

Fast forward to a week later. Every time I would see this girl I would give her this weird one eye stare and runaway. (Now I only know this because she later told me about this one eye stare). Anyway, I would see her from time to time from afar and yes it would be awkward but there would be no vocal communication. So it was fine.

Now, I’m in this club and they asked me to dorm storm. Dorm storming is basically going to all the freshman dorms and informing them about your club. So, I began to go dorm storming in the freshman dorms with these paper flyers, prepared to chat it up about the coolest club ever on campus. I do a couple dorms and I finally get to the third floor. I open the first door, and I see a bunch of people in this room. Look around the room. My eye catches a girl with long black hair. Of course, its hot tottie. As I look at her, and as she looks at me, I drop all 100 of my mini flyers the size of my palm. I begin to squirm and stutter trying to pick up all the flyers on the floor. I tell everyone in the room “um… yeah you can come to my uh club…” I do not make eye contact with anyone in that room. I also give each person, including hot tottie a flyer. I then continue: “yeah… its like supper awesome… my club is awesome....” I then proceed to leave. Basically run out of the freshman dorms. Coolness. I just also want to point out that this was very shocking because hot tottie is not a freshman. Why was she there? 

One whole semester later, she’s my girlfriend. LAWL. Who knew.

Jello Shot Girl

I'm about to go out tonight, but before I do I wanted to share one of  my first experiences with alcohol. So I think it was sophomore of high school, late October, early November. It was the night of the homecoming dance. The dance was lame, but me all my friends were really excited for the after party! So, I thought it would be super awesome to make jello shots for the party (till this day, I think jello shots are so much fun).


Earlier that day, my parents said that they would be having dinner in DC. In my mind, I was like whaddddddup jello shot time. So right when my parents left the house, I was quickly grabbing ingredients.. Koniak, jello mix, etc. I remember the Koniak was from one of my Russian friends, but I can't seem remember why or how I had it under my bed, next to my vibrator (yeah that happened, not sorry). So, I make the jello shots.. and stack 'em in the fridge. Hours later, I totally forgot they were still in the fridge.. my parents call me to tell me that they would be coming home in 20 minutes. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. Race to the refrigerator, start putting the cups of jello on platters. Then I suddenly realize that the jello shots did not solidify. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. SO. what do I do?...

I start chugging all the liquid jello shots of Koniak. Might i remind you I use half a bottle of Koniak. I think my thought process was at this point: well, everyone is gonna be drunk, its not gonna hurt anyone if I get a head start. Taking shots, shots, by myself.. (in retrospect what the fuck was I was thinking...damn). I hear the garage door opening, as I am cleaning up my empty cups and trays. Run to the living, turn on the TV, pretend watching BET (yes BET... brother's favorite show). Parents come in, say hello, go upstairs. I was just trying to talk straight because I was fucking shwasted out of my mind, not even at the party yet. My friend and her boyfriend call me later to tell me their coming to pick me up to go the afftaa party. I snuck out from the backyard door (also in retrospect, why did I sneak out... I had no idea because my parents would've let me go anyway). I then went stumbling through my yard.. then quickly sprinted to the middle of the street where they would pick me up. At this point I am in the middle of the street, chillen, with the empty Koniak bottle in my hands. Lights flash in my eyes, black car drives right in front of me, oh hey guys, Im just chillen in the street. They both are waving their hands conveying to get in the car.. So I try to walk over... walk into the front of the car, fall on top of the hood of the car, get back up, and walk slowly to the side of the car to get in. I'm so fucking drunk. I get into the car. We all chat. I tell them what happened, they exchanged looks. Its a good time... I don't really remember much at this point.

So the three of us arrive at this little shin dig, I'm having a good time, let be honest. We get inside the house, we greet everyone. Oh how I greet everyone. By sophomore year, I was not the huging type, I felt like hugs were awkward... but tonight it was like hugs not drugs. After these hugs and hellos, I realized that noone was drunk... just me.... AWESOME. Cool. I  actually can't seem to remember why no one else was drinking. So everyone was just having a good time... sober. I was just  having a blast by myself. The rest of the night is a little blurry, but  I distinctly remember 4 things that happened that night.

1. No filter. Secrets were coming out. Damn. My best friend's boyfriend. I walk up to him. Literally said "so many people ARE in love with you... SO many.. " Then, I started naming my friends and  giving reasons why they like him. The funny part is that none of them liked him, except for my best friend who was obviously dating him. Also, he believed every word that  came out of my mouth that night. (haaaa even though it was not true).

2. My other best friend... let's call her Star. That name suits her. Anyway, I've known star since like the 5th grade. We went to camp together, but we didn't end up going to the same school since high school. In high school, we had this special love hate relationship:

Freshman year: Acquaintance.
Sophomore year: I fucking hate you go die.
Junior  year: your annoying.
Senior year: Best Friends.

Yep, so it was sophomore year and Star was at the party too (I don't know why). She was nominated and won Homecoming queen that year (and pretty much every year of high school.. pretty sure). So we are just all hanging out aka everyone crowding around me because I was such a hilarious drunk. I guess Star didn't like how all the attention was on me considering she was JUST crowned homecoming queen that night. She makes a comment "Leah, your so drunk. Pull your self together" Then I say " Don't be talkin' shit, just be you WON..... whore." Star gives me the dirtiest look. Leah 1, Star 0. Its funny how things turn out, today were inseparable.. who knew. If your reading this right now,  I LOVE YOU.

3. So, if you didn't know this about me already, when I don't like you or despise you I will kill you with kindness and dirty looks. I mean to be honest, sometimes I really like the sweater your wearing, but if I'm ever extra extra nice. I just don't like you. Also, I have been told that I give dirty looks all the time, no that's just my face. LOL. You'll know when I give you a dirty look, believe me. Back to the story, there is this girl, we'll call her Jesse. Jesse is not a good person, wronged me, and all my friends in different sick and twisted ways, always scheming, even till this day. So, I see Jesse give her a hug. Then  I just start, complimenting everything. "you hair so cute, dress fabulous, Ive never told you this but I think your so beautiful, the  presentation you did in class yesterday so good, your so smart, your so intelligent, lets be like best friends like omg."My friends were giving me dirty looks from the corner.. like what the fuck are you doing dirty looks. At this point, I don't feel so good. This leads into #4.

4. So I don't  feel so good. Try to stand up.. actually I can't even stand. Damn, I feel like a sack of crap right now. One of friends, picks me up and takes me upstairs, but I really struggle for him to let go because they guy who is having the party's parents are upstairs. When we get upstairs, his parents tell him, he should take me home. My friends picks me up again and carries me on his shoulders.. he opens the front door. Can't hold it in any longer. Vomit all over him and this random dude's porch. All the party decides to join us on the front porch. I'm literally vomiting  for a good 10 minutes. My face, and hands, dress, shoes covered in red gook... mmm delicious. After, I walk in the grass of their front yard, and plop on the ground. I remember my best friends boyfriend stroking my back saying everything we'll be fine. Sweet guy. Sweet guy until he fucked my friend over. I assume they called my dad, because my dad rolls up with my car and takes me home. The next day, my dad goes up to me and says, "so your drinking now... that's cool. Make sure your not the only one next time" and then he made me call that dude who had the party and apologize for the red gook and my behavior in general.

From then on, my friends would call me jello shot girl at school. That's cool I guess.