Baby Boy Feat. Sean and Paul

(So the contents of this blog post will be better understood if you have read the High School Hotties Blog Post explaining my spitting on boys catastrophe. More of the older blog posts anyway are more.. let's just say flavorful,  And when I mean flavorful, I mean awkward, uneasy and embarrassing.)

So this post goes out to another boy that I had like a thing with in high school, and we will call him Sean. Sean was this super cute, super awkward, supper skinny, pot smoking boy, who I met by mutual friends.  I thought it was endearing that he was so awkward… and mumbled his words a lot. He had this kind of Bostonian accent, however he is not from Boston. Also, I have a thing for accents. boston, english, spanish, english accents... like em all.

We met over the summer, started texting, and decided to go on a movie date. He picks me up in his car (at that moment I had never felt so cliché in my life… honestly ... he picks me up in my car, we see a movie,  and then smoke some pot). I was so nervous, and thank god I was wearing a black bubble dress, because he would've seen my real cute sweat stains. Let’s be honest, I'm like a sweating machine.

So were at this movie, aka the worst movie in the world. I t was suppose to be scary… but it ended up being stupid. And I am one to be scared of actual scary movies. But this movie was like dog poop.

Random Fact:  My friends dragged me to a haunted forest, on Halloween one year,  where you walk around in this dark forest, and scary things pop out and people with chain saws come after you. So I go, and my partner was Jasmine,and we walk to together in the forest, and all of a sudden the grudge girl pops out. (I am terrified over the grudge girl. Saw it in movie theaters with Roxy and had to run out of the movies theaters halfway through the movie) We obviously have to get passed this grudge girl. In panic, what do I do? I shove Jasmine on to grudge girl and run away frantically, screaming "no, you will not get me!"

Back to the story with Sean, so were watching this lame movie… I’m dying because I am so bored. I’m like leaning my head over onto his shoulder, hinting. So after a supposedly scary scene, I turn my head to tell him how not scary that scene was… and he literally grabs my face and shoves his mouth onto mine. He was basically playing snake with my mouth. Awesome. Having a German Sheppard slobber all over me wasso much fun. I was so flustered that I begin talking while his mouth was suctioned to mine, letting out the words like “oh okay, um okay, oh, um, okay”. Then after a good 3 minutes, he stops, I stop. We both continue watching the movie like nothing happened.  

After that,,  I went to camp and kind of texted him for a while and then just kinda stopped. 

When I got back to school, after that summer, I was awkward and he was awkward about it. So obviously,  we both pretended like we didn’t know each other when we walked down the hallways in our high school. And when I mean both of us, I mean just me, not acknowledging his presence. My b. Okay, so yes it might seem like I am an asshole, but in actuality I am just so fucking awkward. Couldn't handle the pressure. Sean is not the first boy I have done that to…. my bad.  

I mean after that I saw him at a couple of parties… whatever. 

Fast forward to the summer after graduating high school, Star and I were coming back from seeing Spring Awakening at the Kennedy Center in DC, and we were really thirsty. So, we went to the  711 nearby my house to pick up some slurpies. Slurpies are the fucking shit. You can win my heart with a pina colada delicious ice cold slurpie! We get our delicious slurpies and we go back into my car, and as were driving off…. Guess who pulls up into 711… Sean and his best friend ….let’s call him Paul. So of course as were driving away, me and Star were like… lol… awkward… and Star was like “let's go back and say hi.” Of course, Star would recommend that. She loves awkward situations, especially when they have to do with me. SO…Star was like lets go back…and I was like…. well since we graduated, I would probably never see Sean again so what the hell. Also, our little thing was so long ago… and I needed to stop being so awkward. 

We drive back to 711, Sean and Paul were still still buying… well if I would have to guess it would be chips, slurpies, and some rolling paper.  Me and Star nonchalantly walk into 711 again, we see them. They see us. I begin to feel queasy. Awesome. They come up to us, say hey… Paul asks us about how our summer is going. Sean is not saying anything. I’m barely saying anything…. 

All of sudden, again, I don’t know what comes over me but a huge wet, ball of spit was cultivating in my mouth, because I was that uncomfortable. I just can’t control my drool… and spit all over Paul. For no apparent reason. ( I mean clearly, it was because I was so nervous). All over his cargo shorts. I then to proceed to run across the 711 to the gum section which was in the back. I hide there until they leave.

Star is uncontrollably laughing. 

 I hate myself. 

Me and Sean have mutual friends so inevitably we started talking as friends, and inevitably became acquaintances during the rest of the summer. 

Honestly though. 

Months pass,  I met up with him and decided to give it another go. We went on a dinner date, and then went back to his house to watch a “movie”.  Lets talk about that. 

During dinner…

Sean:  I was talking to my mom about you and your school and my mom told me you go to an ivy league Jewish school

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it was ivy league… but its only like Jewish affiliated.

Sean:  oh…  that sucks.. I wouldn’t want to go to a jew school.  I wouldn’t wanna go there…. Have fun with that

Me: oh… okay. 

Rude. But OKAY. My IQ slowly melts when we change the subject.

Me:  So, I know that your Jewish but what is your ethnicity

Sean: wait, what

Me: Like where are you from?

Sean:  here..?

Me: no where are you parents from like before America… like your roots ?

Sean: umm… idk… my parents and I don’t really talk about that stuff.  We do really fun stuff together…  there cool parents and we don’t talk about stuff like that  

Honestly. Did those words really come out of your mouth? Like how do you not know where you come from, your roots, your background… and how can you not be curious. The conversation doesn’t get any better after this. 

Sean: Yeah, I like drinking a lot.

His cell rings. He gets a text message. Reads the text during dinner.

Sean: Oh it’s just my ex girlfriend. She is so annoying. Like always wants me back... but yeah.

Me: Oh... that’s cool.

Sean: yeah, since I broke up with her… she like gets naked in front of all my friends to get attention. But like yeah, no big deal … she’s so annoying.

That is always what a girl likes to hear. Always.

After dinner we head back to his house in the basement to watch a movie. We sit on the couch. He decides to flip through channels on the television. He stops at the discovery channel. Why are we watching an episode about people touring Israel, seeing men and women praying at the Western Wall? Then he goes… “oh isn’t this what your into?”  In my mind, I was like are you serious? Is this forreal? Just because I go to a jewish affiliated university doesn’t mean  that I like all things nice and Hebrew. 

Later, we start hooking up and literally halfway through… I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the dinner conversations. I was like…. “could you just  like take me home?”

Honestly. Like you will not stay on my mind and will never fulfill my fantasies.  Like damn.

Obsessions of a Teenage Girl

One of my best friends from home, Jasmine (see Biddies Back Home post) has had a crush on this dude since the 7^th grade. We will call him Alejandro. Smoothe, slick, skinny but built, and extra good looking.  Not really my cup of tea, but I have to admit he was hot like mexico. He had swag that made my friend jasmine go crazy. But actually. Alejandro consumes Jasmine. I have never met anyone so devoted to one person, so crazy about one person. I love you and if you are reading this, you were (and I’m still debating if you still are) crazy in love. Like straight jacket crazy.

Background story: sophomore year of high school, Alejandro and Jasmine go on a date and make out. Nothing prospered from this because Alejandro had a girlfriend. That didn’t really stop Jasmine from seeing Alejandro, let’s be honest. But Jasmine’s  friend (we will call her Freda), went up to Alejandro and his girlfriend and told her her bf was cheating on her. like omg. Till this day I don’t understand why Freda would do that. Afterwards, Alejandro and Jasmine weren’t really on speaking terms. Anyway, as I said before nothing really prospered from that.

Fast forward to a couple year later: Jasmine gets off work. Decides to pick me and Sugar (see Biddies Back Home post). We are just driving around, listening to music. Were bored. What do we do? Pick up Sugar’s boy toy (we will call him Cory). We pick him up because he’s bored at his house. The funny thing was Cory was hosting a boys night: beer, pot, video games... why he wanted to chill with us instead beats me. So we honk for him, he comes out of the house and gets into the car with a red cup, full with beer. We were all like…. Okay. Mr. Cool. Jasmine actually didn’t notice the red cup because she was too busy driving. So were like driving around again, listening to music, conversating, waiting for something to do. Jasmine was like ‘oh lets visit, Alejandro at his house... do a little drive by… I know where he lives.’ At this point, I was not surprised she knew where he lived. So were driving to his house, when we reach the street he lived on, we quickly rolled windows up , turns down this really ghetto shit Jasmine calls music, and turned off the headlights. As we are rolling past his house (in retrospect technically stalking him), Jasmine is covering her face ‘don’t look at me, don’t look at me.’ Me wondering why she is doing this because she has tinted windows. Okay, so after the 5 minutes of cruisin' by his house (which by the way looked like no one was home) we leave his street and start driving back to Cory's. We get on a semi main road, and Jasmine then turns her lights on. Also, Jasmine isn’t always the smoothest driver so we were kind of whirling between the lines of the road.

Cory says nonchalantly as he is sipping from his red cup, “yo Jasmine keep cool, there is a cop following you.” 2 minutes pass, cop still following. Then, blue and red lights turn on. FUCK (and Cory has beer in the car… FUCK). This is just super awesome. I super wanted to get arrested. Cory puts the cup in between his legs (thank jesus he is sitting in the back with Sugar). We stop. Cop asks Jasmine to step out of the car and chat with him. He informs her he has been following her ever since she turned off her lights on Alejandro’s street. He questions her why she turned off her lights and why she was swerving down this main road. Jasmine is in shock.  I mean she couldn’t be like ‘Oh I just wanted to stalk my lover and see if he was home’. So she tells him she was just visiting a friend and closed her lights because he didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping. Also, the cop made Jasmine walk in a straight line because he thought she was drunk (little does he know, that’s just the way she drives). When finished with Jasmine, Cop walks over to me (I’m next to Jasmine in the car, (passenger seat). Cop asks me to roll down my window. My dumb ass doesn’t know how to roll down the window in her car, and what do I do? Open the door and talk to him. (At that age, of course I don’t know my rights. DON’T JUDGE ME. I didn’t know, I had the right to keep my door closed). Anyway, asking me questions, me praying he doesn’t see the red cup between Cory’s legs in the back of the car. I felt like my balls were being chopped off (if I had any). Then, he decides to go on his merry way. We go home. Actually ridiculous. All for what? Just to see where Jasmine's man sleeps at night.

Couple months pass, and Jasmine is still in love. What does she do?  Alejandro like to party, so Jasmine gives him a party. He also probably got over the whole Freda telling his girlfriend about Jasmine and him hooking up too. Now Jasmine did her best to make a party happen but it just didn’t work out. It was on a school night, last minute, no alcohol… you see where this is going. So when Alejandro arrives , Jasmine plays it off like the party was over and he came too late (that was so GENIUS btw). He then tell hers he is going to another party becuase this one 'fell through'. Leaves. Jasmine is sad. At that point it is just Jasmine and Sugar together. They begin to walk to Sugar’s car to go home. Jasmine then asks Sugar “should I text him one more time?” Sugar replies “you have nothing to lose.” (little does she know….. her virginity!)

Texts are exchanged:

Jasmine: are you sure you don’t want to chill

Alejandro: are you DTF

Jasmine: lets meet somewhere

Now, at that time Sugar and Jasmine didn’t know what DTF stood for. Luckily, Nathan ( who was actually my prom date), Kim, and Ashley were smoking pot across the street outside where Sugar and Jasmine were standing. Very Convenient. Asked Nathan what it means Keep in mind this might be a little awkward because Nathan and Jasmine have hookup before. With a confused/high look on his face, Nathan says 'down to fuck.'  Jasmine races to Sugar’s car and tells Sugar to take her to him. Sugar obviously persuades her that this is a bad idea, however, Jasmine could care less. (Honestly, with my friends... you can voice your opinion, but at the end of the day. there crazy and will do what they want)  Quick makeup and perfume check. Sugar drops off Jasmine with Alejandro. Alejandro is riding this big white van (like those rape vans). She gets into this van. Alejandro’s friend is driving the car, while Alejandro is in the back with Jasmine. Arm wrapped around her. They drive to the parking lot of a big grocery store in our town. (Mind you this is around 2 in the morning). Alejandro tells his friend who is driving the car to wait outside.  Alejandro turns up the radio and the song lollipop comes on. And well, let’s just say every time I hear the words: 

Ow... Uh huh Young Mula Baby 
I say he so sweet make her wanna lick the wrapper 
So I let her lick the wrapper

I get extremely and unbearably uncomfortable.