Family Fun

I might have inherited the lack of social skills and uncomfortable mannerisms from my parents, however I might’ve just learned them growing up over the years. I’m not really sure.

My Dad- My dad is a jokester. He thinks he SO funny. When I’m writing papers for college, I send him my work for him to proofread. So I sent him an essay about the how the rubber dildo and how it  was created in India, and he texts me “done editing. Question, after this paper, how many dildos do you own?” There is actually no filter. His wardrobe consist of suits and ties for work and sweatpants and sweatshirts for all the other occasions. My dad’s favorite shirt is this royal blue Tshirt. On the front it says “Foxy Lady 69.” My mom bought it for him. When he walks our dog, he also enjoys smoking a cigar, while sporting just boxers. Tell me why my dad doesn’t know the different between boxers and shorts .

My Mom- Sometimes, I wonder about my mom, like the way she thinks and how her opinions formulate, it’s like out of this world. Like space cadet status. (But some people can say the same thing about me). She converted to Judaism, 20 years ago, and still has this obsession with it. She loves going to bible class, quoting the bible, but then eats seafood… I will never understand. Her other hobby is trying to find me a rich, Jewish, husband (this is a serious statement). My mom also thinks the world is going to end in the year 2012.

My Brother, Eugene- My brother seems sweet and respectful, but he masks his true self – obnoxious, loud, vulgar, thinks he’s the shit type thing. Don’t get me wrong; love him, but sometimes I just want to smack him. When my brother was younger (elementary), before school, he would sit in front of the TV watching BET, while eating lunchables for breakfast – yes that is the image I always have of my brother. Today, he is in high school spending all his time computering.

Every time I leave to go back to college, my family and I eat out for dinner. Kind of like a last bonding thing ish. Let’s talk about how I shouldn’t go out in public with my family.

Indian Food – While we are enjoying our samosas, chutney, and vegetable curry, my mom asks me bluntly… “why don’t you have a boyfriend…? I already had 3 boyfriends when I was your age.” Me looking annoyed. My brother thinks that the question was directed towards him and says “Leah, doesn’t date boys, she just hooks up with them… get with the program mom.”

Thai Food-  So at this dinner it was just my mom and brother. While were waiting for our pad thai,  my brother goes “Leah, before you go to college, I just wanted to let you know that mom and dad still have lots of sex.” Me shocked. Mom quickly says “No... What are you talking about!?” Awkward pause. Stare at my brother. Stare at my mom. Mom looking down at the table. Mom starts smiling. Brother stars laughing. I’m uncomfortable. My brother than proceeds to say “ I know this because I’ve walked in on them on several occasions.” Thanks, Eugene…. I really needed that image in my mind. Forever scarred.  

Mexican Food- For some reason, it was only my dad and I. I think my brother and mother were out of town for this meal. We order dessert, I tell the waiter I want the fried ice cream with raspberries on the side. My dad blurts out (while the waiter is still there)… you might not want to get that.”  Then I proceed to say, “you might want to shut the fuck up.” Yes me and my dad are on that level, that we can curse at each other casually. Also, this was during winter break, when I gained the freshman 40.
Yes 40, and I was damn sexy.

Japanese Food- So we go to this Hibachi Steak House, which is a restaurant where they cook in front of you and you sit with strangers (like other people who come eat at the restaurant). So that night my family had 4 people, so we were designated to sit in the middle, and two other parties of 3 sat next to each other. An Asian couple and their daughter, and a Caucasian couple with their black son. So were all eating, each family having separate conversations, and my mom decides to ask me “What’s that dildo I found under your bed.” Mouth drops. Dad quickly responds “its perfectly normal to have one. Most women masturbate, anyway.” My brother “Leah likes the cock, likes the cock, cock, cock.” I begin to realize I wasn’t the only one shocked. Awkward stare from Asian women. Weird one eye  and eyebrow up from Asian man. Dirty look from Caucasian family. Caucasian family asks to be seated somewhere else.

Random details/episodes about the family:

*my dad found my blog and read up on all my adventures. Uncomfortable, I think yes.

*My parents (more my mom) have no sense of style or décor when it comes to decorating our house. Tell me why my kitchen used to be baby pink, and now is a beautiful shade of is periwinkle. The inside décor of our consists of menorahs, Jewish stars, pictures of Hindu deities, and huge Chinese elephant figurines. The Front of my house sports Buddha and Gnome sculptures.

*Our favorite family movie is Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. One and Two.

*When I go out with my friends at night I leave the house around 10ish, my mom likes to say “God will punish you. You will go to hell.”

*This one time I get really shwasted and dragoned all over my front steps at like 3 in the morning. The next day, when my parents, and Star were lighting the candles for Shabbat. My dad quickly hovers over the candles and says “wait, we need to protect the shabbas candles before Leah vomits all over them.”
Jokes. He thinks he’s so funny.

* I have this neighbor who lives a couple houses down. Bro status. Lacrosse player. Baseball cap to the side. Thinks he’s god gift to women. Apparently my mom thought so too. As he is sometimes playing basketball in front of his house, my mom decides to walk up to him and start conversation. Tell me why mom informs him that I think he is attractive. She then proceeds to ask him to join us for dinner sometime. (This is not the first time my mom played matchmaker).

*Senior year of high school, one of my friends decided to ask me to prom, by coming to my house and playing the tuba, while his friends hold up big posters spelling out PROM. My mom gets home from work, while this is going on. Watches what is going on.  Then my mom goes, who’s birthday is it? Then, proceeds to go inside the house.

Stay tuned for more adventures with the fam. oh there will be more.