The Abandoned House

Junior year of high school, my best friend Jasmine decides she wants to go all out for her birthday party. What does she decide to do? Throw a neon dance party.  I mean that’s whats up. The only problem was she could not find a space to have the party. She couldn’t do it at her house or at the pool house or whatever. Finally, we will call him… Justin, offered his second “house”. Notice those quotations marks. Jasmine was like alright. I mean Jasmine and our friends didn’t really know Justin that well/ had never been to other “house”. But Jasmine was gung hoe about this party so she was like whatever, and agreed to have it at Justin’s “house”. 

So we prep for the party a week advance. Jasmine is big on décor so she bought jaw breakers, other assorted arrangements of candy, streamers, white lights, and made a ton of burned booty popping CD’s.  

Jasmine makes the point obvious that is a BYOB type thing. So that night, I remember I snuck into my dad cabinet to get some whiskey. Can we talk about that is the only thing he drinks. Can we also talk about how that made my high school drinking experience a living hell. I mixed the whiskey with some orange juice. So, at this point I’m ready for the party. Dressed and had my pregame drink set. I’m waiting for my friend to pick me up. Bored. What do I do? Start drinking the whiskey. Friend picks me up. We go to my other friend’s house. Shots were taken. (vodka shots, for clarification). I’m extremely fucked up, my other friends weren’t. They just had like 2 or 3 shots, but I’m like so fucked (due to the whiskey). We then to proceed to go to this party. We look at the the address for the party and realize it is somewhere in my friends neighborhood, so were like super siced it’s close by.  We roll up by the house. My mouth drops. My friends start laughing. I see Jasmine’s car park near the house. Obviously, she is there. We go inside the house, I distinctly remember thinking to myself “is this fucking forreal?” 

The house was under construction and only half built. The roof is still made out of wood, the floor is cement, no windows, no door, some of the inner walls consist of cardboard and wood.  Anyway, I saw that Jasmine decorated the house with white lights. Kanye West was playing from a boom box in a room that seemed like a living room. I greet Jasmine, Star, Beyonce and other people who came to the party. I fucking realize I am the only one plastered out of my mind... again. What the fuck? Why do I always do this? (See jello shot girl post) 

Whatever. I don’t really give a fuck and start dancing. I see Andy… why do I run into his arms and jump on top of him. Why do I grab his butt? Andy goes to my high school. Andy and I aren’t friends. Andy and I have never spoken a word to each other. 

The following events I’m about to tell, I don’t personally remember myself but Beyonce was eager to reiterate what happened the rest of the night to me the next day:

Surprisingly there was a good turn out, even though the party is in a abandoned house. Beyonce comments on my new and cute fake channel purse (don’t judge me that was thing to do/wear, back in the day) and asks me she wants to see it. She opens the purse. First, she finds my empty whiskey bottle in my bag. Then she finds a jar of peanut butter and 20 plastic spoons. She asks me why I have this. I tell her that if the cops come, I will quickly shove massive amounts of peanut butter in my mouth. (Okay, in my defense before the party, I had heard from many people aka Jasmine that peanut butter masks the smell of alcohol, so the breathalyzer that cops use can not detect how much alcohol you intake.) Beyonce then asks me why I have 20 spoons. I respond by telling her that if anyone else wanted to join me, I would have spoons for them. I mean I really didn’t need to bring any more spoons anyway, since I was the only one drunk. What the fuck. 

Later at the party, I see Dave (see high school hotties post). At this point I grabbed a jaw breaker (like the size of a half quarter) from the food table, and run up to him. I literally go up to him and say “Dave… Look how I can shove this jaw breaker down my throat!” Throw the jaw breaker up in the air so I could catch it with my mouth.  I miss my mouth and the jaw breaker hits my eye. Awesome. I’m a fucking idiot/ it hurt so badly. 

So drunk. Quickly run into this other room where the music seems to be louder. I see the body rollers. At my school, there were these girls who would dance and grind on top of each other in school like randomly at lunch in the cafeteria, in the court yard, before class with no music. They were ridicoulous. Tryna be the shit, wearing low cut tops and trying to attract any kind boy attention. They also made home videos in there basements. My friends and I would call them the body rollers. Come to think of it I didn’t even know who invited them. Anyway, I run to them and start body rolling with them. Dancing, laughing with them. I'm obviously so cool. 

Then, I ended up outside in front of the house. Many people were outside the house chillin. I see my friend (we will call him Peter) parking his car next to the house. Peter gets out and waves to me and I wave to him. As I am waving I see blue and red.

Fuck.  

I than  hear cop cars approaching. What the fuck. Freaking out because I am so drunk.  I mean I should’ve saw this happening, after looking at the under constructed  house. Obviously a neighbor would call the police telling them a bunch  of kids are in an abandoned house. 

 

I sprint in to the house. See Beyonce. Scream “COPPSSSSSSS!” She doesn’t believe me because I am drunk. Seconds, later everyone starts screaming that there are cops. Beyonce exclaims to me to follow her downstairs in to the basement where there is a door that exits to the outside. As we are going down the stairs, I push Beyonce out of the way and sprint out the door.  I mean it wasn’t like I pushed her down the stairs it was like a sudden shove. I’m sorry Beyonce again, if you are reading this! When we get out the door, me, Beyonce, and a couple other people run into another person’s backyard. Were chilling in this backyard, next to this huge bush. Apparently I told everyone to stay calm and instructed everyone were going to sleep next to this bush tonight.  I get some dirty looks from people. I also get some laughs. Beyonce was like no and said someone was going to pick us up. Were waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Suddenly, we hear all these ducks noises. Then we start seeing these ducks appearing randomly. They all congregate near this one boy from the party, we will call me Kyle. Kyle looks a bit scared. The ducks look possessed, like Kyle was their leader or something. I start laughing. Like what the fuck, so random. We all start laughing. 

It’s funny because everytime I tell that story to someone and when I get to the part about Kyle. I get hype. I always tell people he was attacked by the ducks. People tend to laugh, especially people who know him laugh because that would happen to him. 

Finally our ride comes half an hour later. Well, some ride. This massive black escalade roles up, and this girl we barely knew took us in her car. (I mean she went to our high school, and Jasmine knew her, but the rest of didn’t) In retrospect, it was really nice that she picked us up. When we got in the car, there the car was already packed. We all had to smush in the back. Where was I? I was like lying across 6 bodies that were sitting in the back. Awesome. 

We get dropped off at T Square. T Square is this area that consists of a 7 11, nail salon, a burger king, and some random other sketchy restaurants. It was kind of the hotspot for highschoolers in our town to go, after hours. A lot of asain break dancers like to dance in the parking lot. But  mostly you go there after a party, or after you smoke a lot of weed you go there to eat burger king, or if you nothing to do, you there in general. Me and Beyonce met up with Star, Sugar, and Jasmine, etc at Burger King. Beyonce notices I don’t have my black channel bag. I must of left it at the abandoned house. Awesome. It has my ID. Awesome. It smells like alcohol. 

After freaking out for an hour, Jasmine’s older sister appears with the bag in her hand. Jasmine called her to go get it from the house. I fucking love Jasmine’s sister. I take my ID out of the bag and throw the bag in the trash. Why? To be honest, I don’t remember. 

I don't even understand that night at all. All I have to say is that was actually the craziest birthday party I have ever been to. damn.

Obsessions of a Teenage Girl

One of my best friends from home, Jasmine (see Biddies Back Home post) has had a crush on this dude since the 7^th grade. We will call him Alejandro. Smoothe, slick, skinny but built, and extra good looking.  Not really my cup of tea, but I have to admit he was hot like mexico. He had swag that made my friend jasmine go crazy. But actually. Alejandro consumes Jasmine. I have never met anyone so devoted to one person, so crazy about one person. I love you and if you are reading this, you were (and I’m still debating if you still are) crazy in love. Like straight jacket crazy.

Background story: sophomore year of high school, Alejandro and Jasmine go on a date and make out. Nothing prospered from this because Alejandro had a girlfriend. That didn’t really stop Jasmine from seeing Alejandro, let’s be honest. But Jasmine’s  friend (we will call her Freda), went up to Alejandro and his girlfriend and told her her bf was cheating on her. like omg. Till this day I don’t understand why Freda would do that. Afterwards, Alejandro and Jasmine weren’t really on speaking terms. Anyway, as I said before nothing really prospered from that.

Fast forward to a couple year later: Jasmine gets off work. Decides to pick me and Sugar (see Biddies Back Home post). We are just driving around, listening to music. Were bored. What do we do? Pick up Sugar’s boy toy (we will call him Cory). We pick him up because he’s bored at his house. The funny thing was Cory was hosting a boys night: beer, pot, video games... why he wanted to chill with us instead beats me. So we honk for him, he comes out of the house and gets into the car with a red cup, full with beer. We were all like…. Okay. Mr. Cool. Jasmine actually didn’t notice the red cup because she was too busy driving. So were like driving around again, listening to music, conversating, waiting for something to do. Jasmine was like ‘oh lets visit, Alejandro at his house... do a little drive by… I know where he lives.’ At this point, I was not surprised she knew where he lived. So were driving to his house, when we reach the street he lived on, we quickly rolled windows up , turns down this really ghetto shit Jasmine calls music, and turned off the headlights. As we are rolling past his house (in retrospect technically stalking him), Jasmine is covering her face ‘don’t look at me, don’t look at me.’ Me wondering why she is doing this because she has tinted windows. Okay, so after the 5 minutes of cruisin' by his house (which by the way looked like no one was home) we leave his street and start driving back to Cory's. We get on a semi main road, and Jasmine then turns her lights on. Also, Jasmine isn’t always the smoothest driver so we were kind of whirling between the lines of the road.

Cory says nonchalantly as he is sipping from his red cup, “yo Jasmine keep cool, there is a cop following you.” 2 minutes pass, cop still following. Then, blue and red lights turn on. FUCK (and Cory has beer in the car… FUCK). This is just super awesome. I super wanted to get arrested. Cory puts the cup in between his legs (thank jesus he is sitting in the back with Sugar). We stop. Cop asks Jasmine to step out of the car and chat with him. He informs her he has been following her ever since she turned off her lights on Alejandro’s street. He questions her why she turned off her lights and why she was swerving down this main road. Jasmine is in shock.  I mean she couldn’t be like ‘Oh I just wanted to stalk my lover and see if he was home’. So she tells him she was just visiting a friend and closed her lights because he didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping. Also, the cop made Jasmine walk in a straight line because he thought she was drunk (little does he know, that’s just the way she drives). When finished with Jasmine, Cop walks over to me (I’m next to Jasmine in the car, (passenger seat). Cop asks me to roll down my window. My dumb ass doesn’t know how to roll down the window in her car, and what do I do? Open the door and talk to him. (At that age, of course I don’t know my rights. DON’T JUDGE ME. I didn’t know, I had the right to keep my door closed). Anyway, asking me questions, me praying he doesn’t see the red cup between Cory’s legs in the back of the car. I felt like my balls were being chopped off (if I had any). Then, he decides to go on his merry way. We go home. Actually ridiculous. All for what? Just to see where Jasmine's man sleeps at night.

Couple months pass, and Jasmine is still in love. What does she do?  Alejandro like to party, so Jasmine gives him a party. He also probably got over the whole Freda telling his girlfriend about Jasmine and him hooking up too. Now Jasmine did her best to make a party happen but it just didn’t work out. It was on a school night, last minute, no alcohol… you see where this is going. So when Alejandro arrives , Jasmine plays it off like the party was over and he came too late (that was so GENIUS btw). He then tell hers he is going to another party becuase this one 'fell through'. Leaves. Jasmine is sad. At that point it is just Jasmine and Sugar together. They begin to walk to Sugar’s car to go home. Jasmine then asks Sugar “should I text him one more time?” Sugar replies “you have nothing to lose.” (little does she know….. her virginity!)

Texts are exchanged:

Jasmine: are you sure you don’t want to chill

Alejandro: are you DTF

Jasmine: lets meet somewhere

Now, at that time Sugar and Jasmine didn’t know what DTF stood for. Luckily, Nathan ( who was actually my prom date), Kim, and Ashley were smoking pot across the street outside where Sugar and Jasmine were standing. Very Convenient. Asked Nathan what it means Keep in mind this might be a little awkward because Nathan and Jasmine have hookup before. With a confused/high look on his face, Nathan says 'down to fuck.'  Jasmine races to Sugar’s car and tells Sugar to take her to him. Sugar obviously persuades her that this is a bad idea, however, Jasmine could care less. (Honestly, with my friends... you can voice your opinion, but at the end of the day. there crazy and will do what they want)  Quick makeup and perfume check. Sugar drops off Jasmine with Alejandro. Alejandro is riding this big white van (like those rape vans). She gets into this van. Alejandro’s friend is driving the car, while Alejandro is in the back with Jasmine. Arm wrapped around her. They drive to the parking lot of a big grocery store in our town. (Mind you this is around 2 in the morning). Alejandro tells his friend who is driving the car to wait outside.  Alejandro turns up the radio and the song lollipop comes on. And well, let’s just say every time I hear the words: 

Ow... Uh huh Young Mula Baby 
I say he so sweet make her wanna lick the wrapper 
So I let her lick the wrapper

I get extremely and unbearably uncomfortable.

Same Sex Drunk Hookups

So, I go to one of Joe’s (see ‘jesus is my lord and savior’ post) parties again over the summer. I just can’t get enough. Everyone is having a good time. Beer pong in the living room, casual drinking in kitchen,  smoking upstairs in Joe’s dad room. So one of my friends… (we will call him Aaron) just broke up with his long his girlfriend of like 3 years.  Before the party at like lunch or something he me that  he was trying to get some girls number at the bars, and he was like ‘can I have your number’ and then goes in for a handshake.’ Clearly, out of the game. 

So, at this party he wanted to practice his flirting skills with some girls at the party. He practiced it with girls who I just assume were seniors in  high school, so the task at hand was  not really THAT difficult…. let’s be real here. Aaron begins to flirt with this girl Mary (we’ll call her Mary) all night. They were feelin each other (Aaron was feelin her lot, later telling me, he wanted to get digits and a date). I gave Aaron the occasional head nod and ‘getting it in’ body thrusts, while he was talking to her. 

Later that night, Mary, and her friends Ben and Jason were sitting kind of in a circle in the middle of the kitchen. The ask me to come over and sit down with them. I was like okay. Mary tells me they want to play truth or dare. And who am I going to pass up a game when all my friends (Aaron, Jasmine, Beyonce, Sugar) are getting shitty or getting it on, or I don’t even know, lets be honest. So the first couple dares are like ‘chug this whole thing of beer’ or ‘lick the toilet seat.’ Then Ben goes, ‘Mary I dare you to kiss Leah’. In my mind, I’m like fuck. I begin to sweat (are you shocked?). I then give her this look of like ‘I don’t know/scared look’ Mary then proceeds to tell me “oh, it’ll be fine... it’s just like kissing boys.” Yeah. So. She kind of leans in and grabs my neck and gives it to me long and from what I and remember a bit sloppy. Who walks in the kitchen? Yes. Aaron. Cool. He looks at what happens and turns around. That’s cool. Yes, why do these things happen to me? Tell me because I would like to know. 

I mean me and Aaron joke about it now.... a year later. He actually facebooked me the other day and was like ‘yo you have Mary’s number, cause I’m still tryna hit it.’ 

Next story:

In the beginning of the semester, I went to this frat party. Get mad drunk. Hookup up with this really hot girl, who I’ve always thought was really attractive. We will call her hot tottie. I didn’t really know her at the time l but I do invite her back to my dorm, after the frat party… she says no. Awkward. 

Fast forward to a week later. Every time I would see this girl I would give her this weird one eye stare and runaway. (Now I only know this because she later told me about this one eye stare). Anyway, I would see her from time to time from afar and yes it would be awkward but there would be no vocal communication. So it was fine.

Now, I’m in this club and they asked me to dorm storm. Dorm storming is basically going to all the freshman dorms and informing them about your club. So, I began to go dorm storming in the freshman dorms with these paper flyers, prepared to chat it up about the coolest club ever on campus. I do a couple dorms and I finally get to the third floor. I open the first door, and I see a bunch of people in this room. Look around the room. My eye catches a girl with long black hair. Of course, its hot tottie. As I look at her, and as she looks at me, I drop all 100 of my mini flyers the size of my palm. I begin to squirm and stutter trying to pick up all the flyers on the floor. I tell everyone in the room “um… yeah you can come to my uh club…” I do not make eye contact with anyone in that room. I also give each person, including hot tottie a flyer. I then continue: “yeah… its like supper awesome… my club is awesome....” I then proceed to leave. Basically run out of the freshman dorms. Coolness. I just also want to point out that this was very shocking because hot tottie is not a freshman. Why was she there? 

One whole semester later, she’s my girlfriend. LAWL. Who knew.

Longest Phase in the Cell Cycle

Junior year of high school a year of preparing for college applications and taking rigorous classes. Me, I was freaking the fuck out. I was applying to like 15 different schools I distinctly remember killing myself over with my AP Biology class. In retrospect, it was a great class taught me a lot of things about myself and introduced me to the subject of environmental studies, which is what I am majoring in college.

Back to the story, that year, in my world history class, was this boy... we will call him Jared. Jared was tallish, naturally built, deliciously tan, and had shiny copper longish hair. He was into skating on skateboards. Did drugs. Lots of drugs. Obviously, I was interested in him. Who wouldn't be? It was like was one of the characters from the movie Dazed and Confused.

Jared didn't really catch my attention until one day I was studying for my AP Biology test in World History (studying for classes in a different class was a regular for me) with all my study flash cards... all 100 of them, and the bell rang and class ended immediately. I was packing up quite quickly because I was nervous for my test when I accidentally dropped all 100 of my flash cards on the ground. Awesome. As I bent down to pick them up, Jared came over and helped me pick up my flash cards. Note that this was also embarrassing because the note cards were all in hot pink or electric blue pen. Some also had hello kitty stickers on them. When we both got up from the ground at the same time (this was also kind of awkward) he introduced himself. Now if you didn't know this about me before I'm such a sucker for dog lovers, Chipotle burritos and random acts of kindness. SO of course, that is when I was like YES my name is Leah and I have a crush on you. Nothing every blossomed from this encounter. I mean there was the occasional wave, head nod in class, etc. Basically, I was admiring from a far. I didn't hate it.

After I told my friends about his little encounter, apparently I was not the only one. My friends also were interested in Jared and all his pot smoking, guitar playing and, I’m so cool friends.   It was funny though because one of my friends... we will call her Sugar. Sugar was interested in Jared (and when I mean interested, I just mean she found him attractive) however Jared's best friend was interested in Sugar. Awkward.

(SIDE NOTE THIS ONE PARAGRAPH below IS probably is RIDICOULOUSLY FUNNY if you know who these people are in real life or you are from the 301):
Jared had this friend named Eric who had this supercool blue Mohawk and was mildly attractive. My other best friend at the time… Jasmine, we’ll call her Jasmine… had the hots for Eric. One time, Jasmine, Jared, Sugar, and Jared’s best friend were all hanging out, smoking pot in the park (the park where they all lived next to) and Jasmine says to Jared’s best friend “you need to hook me up with, your sexy friend Eric.” Jared’s best friend was like “iight, I gotchu!” Jasmine was in heaven, about to fly away on a magic carpet ride with Mohawk Eric.  30 minutes pass, and Eric meets up with them. However it wasn’t Mohawk Eric it was one of their other friends… Tall Eric. Jared’s best friend called up the wrong Eric! Tall Eric was gawky, pale, and extremely tall and extremely high all the time. Tall Eric walked up to Jasmine and goes “… wanna take a walk in the woods with me to look at the cabbage?” Jasmine looks at him in disgust and replies “Um..hold on.. one second.” Then she just leaves the park with her dog.  

Back to the real story, so one day my friends Sugar, Jasmine, and my other friend Beyonce phoned me and told me we were going to randomly get some ice cream. Who am I to turn down ice cream? So, I quickly get dressed and without a doubt in my mind I run outside into Beyonce’s car. We’re talking, laughing, and driving. Driving not to ice cream shop, but into Sugar’s Neighborhood. I ask everyone in the car where we were going? They all smile at me and say were going to Jared’s party. Awesome. To be honest though, my friends know me so well, and knew I and they knew I wouldn’t have gone out on a Thursday to drink, and especially to Jared’s house. Damn my friends. So we get there, and it’s chilling our blazed on couches on the left, Jared’s band playing on the right, blazing in the garage. So, were at this chill hangout/party.... I guess and of course I’m uncomfortable not knowing many people…meaning just my friends. So Beyonce starts playing BP with some randoms, Sugar gets taken away from me by Jared’s creepy best friend, Jasmine is trying to hit Mohawk Eric, and I’m just chillen with a Nattty Light. One becomes Two. Two becomes Four. Then I find this super awesome ping pong machine in the back and start playing and four quickly becomes six. Beyonce gets me in the back and asks me why I’m super unsocial… I tell her.. “I’m super uncomfortable/don’t know anyone/so drunk”. She pulls me away from that amazingly cool game machine and tell me to accompany her to the bathroom.
She pees and I turn around and close my eyes because Beyonce has certain issues with her naked body, other people’s naked body when going to the bathroom. Anyway, as we leave the bathroom we see Jared. Oh hey. There was also something the combo smell of cigarettes and axe body spray that was really hot in high school. We say hello, Beyonce has to ‘go to her car and get something’ and leaves me… with Jared…. great. At this point, I was like awesome my friends are leaving me for boys and I’m stuck with Jared. The reason why I wasn’t so thrilled so be with Jared is because A) he was so just so hot it was uncomfortable B) I didn’t think we’d actually hook up. 

So, were chatting about our World history class and his party in his Kitchen. That’s cool. He’s like ‘let me show you to some couches in the living room’ and ‘I’m like …okay... couches are cool’. Before we sit on the couch, there is this huge aquarium fish tank in the living room. Go over to the fish tank.  Jared follows. Both look at the fish. Me still in AP Biology crazy mode… so what do I do? I spit out “interphase is the longest phase in the cell cycle!” and it gets better …. “I love mitosis and meiosis…” Did I really just say that.. out loud? Jared goes “…that’s cool,” while leading me to sit on the couch. I’m drunk, and at this point I know Jared wants to hook up with me, so what do I do? I grab his hand and tell him I read his palm. Tell him about his parents. Tell him how many children he is going to have. He’s into it. I’m just uncomfortable. Then, after, awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Awkward pause. Stare. Ooouch. I feel something hard under me. Cordless phone. Awkward Pause. Stare. Stare. Jared leans in “give me some sugaa..” I actually died when he said this, however I couldn’t show any feeling because I was so nervous. Obviously, we hook and get interrupted by Beyonce who says we need to leave.

So the next day after we hook up, walk into class. Teacher is reviewing for our test. Jared in class. Me coming in disheveled. Me stare at Jared. Jared stares at me… we basically have a stare war. I’m uncomfortable. Stare. Me sweating. Jared starts staring. Can’t handle. Fucking run out of class. (Inform me teacher the next day that I was ‘sick’). 

I have 3 questions. What as I thinking? Why am I so awkward? Why do I look like a crazy person?

Jesus, My Lord and Savior

I don't know what it was but, this girl... we will call her Julia, thought I had all the answers like I was Jesus or something. So were at this party over the summer at my friend's house, Joe.. yeah we'll call him Joe. He doesn't invite a lot of people, wants to keep it small. whatever. I don't care. I just wanna get tipsy with a rum and coke. FYI Joe and Sugar (see my biddies back home post) had a thing in high school.

So were at this party, and Joe invites Julia and who will be a senior in high school after the summer. It was weird when she came because she came by herself and was being extremely nice to me, Beyonce and Sugar. I mean who am I to be mean to a girl who is extra nice to me (this could also be a little foreshadowing because usually girls who are extra nice are extra easy).  It was also weird because she didn't drink (because of all the occurrences that night)

Were playing kings and Joe and Julia decide to go upstairs. Do stuff. That's cool. I mean I don't really know Julia, but at least my boy Joe is gettin' some. Whatever. Don't even think about it. Then after a while they come back. We play another round kings, hookah, etc.Then, Julia is like "Leah come to the bathroom with me" (mind you I do not know this girl at all. just met her... so 'I'm like sure' (to be polite). I mean girls do that all the time, go to the bathroom in packs. It's like our nature. So then she takes off her pants, cooch out, and starts going to the bathroom. I don't know her, so I respectfully look away... however she's like 'don't be werid, you have one too.' So I'm kind of forced to watch her pee. Awkward. So, to break the ice.. I'm like "ohhh you like Joe.. thats cool!" She's like 'oh thats just a hookup'. Then she tells me how they technically didn't have sex because he didn't ejaculate. Tells me she is technically a virgin because he didn't ejaculate. she used the word ejaculate like 700 times. She tells me the size of his junk.Tells me information I didn't want to know, while her cooch is hanging out. I nod in between pauses and respond to her saying "thats cool.." Julia than proceeds to say "oh yeah, but like you totally get it right LOL because you not a virgin." OKAY. First of all, is she calling me a slut? Second, I AM a virgin at this point in time. However even with these two offenses, I quickly respond saying '...yeah sure.' She then asks me if what she is doing is cool.. and I'm like "....sure." She wipes her butt and putts on her pants. Hugs me and then leaves the bathroom without washing her hands.That's cool and. At this point I have been probably contaminated with her pee and Joe's penis. Cool.


Then I try to forget the last 20 minutes of  my life and continue with the party. So my friends are drunk having a good time, Joe's friends are having a good time while attempting to hit Julia. I don't understand why boys attempt easy girls who have already gotten with their friends... literally 30 minutes ago. Are sluts really that easy? Damn. Then, the doorbell rings and 3 boys walk in. They all look 14. Apparently, they were the same age as Julia, but puberty probably hadn't hit them. One boy who was wearing a huge red lacrosse jersey and holding a huge bottle of whiskey. Walks in. Starts full on making out with Julia. They move to the couch. Animals. It's was like watching animal planet. Joe doesn't really seem to care as he is playing with his Xbox. We later find out that this boy is Julia's boyfriend. I just don't understand.

The 301 never fails to impress me.

Jello Shot Girl

I'm about to go out tonight, but before I do I wanted to share one of  my first experiences with alcohol. So I think it was sophomore of high school, late October, early November. It was the night of the homecoming dance. The dance was lame, but me all my friends were really excited for the after party! So, I thought it would be super awesome to make jello shots for the party (till this day, I think jello shots are so much fun).


Earlier that day, my parents said that they would be having dinner in DC. In my mind, I was like whaddddddup jello shot time. So right when my parents left the house, I was quickly grabbing ingredients.. Koniak, jello mix, etc. I remember the Koniak was from one of my Russian friends, but I can't seem remember why or how I had it under my bed, next to my vibrator (yeah that happened, not sorry). So, I make the jello shots.. and stack 'em in the fridge. Hours later, I totally forgot they were still in the fridge.. my parents call me to tell me that they would be coming home in 20 minutes. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. Race to the refrigerator, start putting the cups of jello on platters. Then I suddenly realize that the jello shots did not solidify. Fuck me. Fuck me so hard. SO. what do I do?...

I start chugging all the liquid jello shots of Koniak. Might i remind you I use half a bottle of Koniak. I think my thought process was at this point: well, everyone is gonna be drunk, its not gonna hurt anyone if I get a head start. Taking shots, shots, by myself.. (in retrospect what the fuck was I was thinking...damn). I hear the garage door opening, as I am cleaning up my empty cups and trays. Run to the living, turn on the TV, pretend watching BET (yes BET... brother's favorite show). Parents come in, say hello, go upstairs. I was just trying to talk straight because I was fucking shwasted out of my mind, not even at the party yet. My friend and her boyfriend call me later to tell me their coming to pick me up to go the afftaa party. I snuck out from the backyard door (also in retrospect, why did I sneak out... I had no idea because my parents would've let me go anyway). I then went stumbling through my yard.. then quickly sprinted to the middle of the street where they would pick me up. At this point I am in the middle of the street, chillen, with the empty Koniak bottle in my hands. Lights flash in my eyes, black car drives right in front of me, oh hey guys, Im just chillen in the street. They both are waving their hands conveying to get in the car.. So I try to walk over... walk into the front of the car, fall on top of the hood of the car, get back up, and walk slowly to the side of the car to get in. I'm so fucking drunk. I get into the car. We all chat. I tell them what happened, they exchanged looks. Its a good time... I don't really remember much at this point.

So the three of us arrive at this little shin dig, I'm having a good time, let be honest. We get inside the house, we greet everyone. Oh how I greet everyone. By sophomore year, I was not the huging type, I felt like hugs were awkward... but tonight it was like hugs not drugs. After these hugs and hellos, I realized that noone was drunk... just me.... AWESOME. Cool. I  actually can't seem to remember why no one else was drinking. So everyone was just having a good time... sober. I was just  having a blast by myself. The rest of the night is a little blurry, but  I distinctly remember 4 things that happened that night.

1. No filter. Secrets were coming out. Damn. My best friend's boyfriend. I walk up to him. Literally said "so many people ARE in love with you... SO many.. " Then, I started naming my friends and  giving reasons why they like him. The funny part is that none of them liked him, except for my best friend who was obviously dating him. Also, he believed every word that  came out of my mouth that night. (haaaa even though it was not true).

2. My other best friend... let's call her Star. That name suits her. Anyway, I've known star since like the 5th grade. We went to camp together, but we didn't end up going to the same school since high school. In high school, we had this special love hate relationship:

Freshman year: Acquaintance.
Sophomore year: I fucking hate you go die.
Junior  year: your annoying.
Senior year: Best Friends.

Yep, so it was sophomore year and Star was at the party too (I don't know why). She was nominated and won Homecoming queen that year (and pretty much every year of high school.. pretty sure). So we are just all hanging out aka everyone crowding around me because I was such a hilarious drunk. I guess Star didn't like how all the attention was on me considering she was JUST crowned homecoming queen that night. She makes a comment "Leah, your so drunk. Pull your self together" Then I say " Don't be talkin' shit, just be you WON..... whore." Star gives me the dirtiest look. Leah 1, Star 0. Its funny how things turn out, today were inseparable.. who knew. If your reading this right now,  I LOVE YOU.

3. So, if you didn't know this about me already, when I don't like you or despise you I will kill you with kindness and dirty looks. I mean to be honest, sometimes I really like the sweater your wearing, but if I'm ever extra extra nice. I just don't like you. Also, I have been told that I give dirty looks all the time, no that's just my face. LOL. You'll know when I give you a dirty look, believe me. Back to the story, there is this girl, we'll call her Jesse. Jesse is not a good person, wronged me, and all my friends in different sick and twisted ways, always scheming, even till this day. So, I see Jesse give her a hug. Then  I just start, complimenting everything. "you hair so cute, dress fabulous, Ive never told you this but I think your so beautiful, the  presentation you did in class yesterday so good, your so smart, your so intelligent, lets be like best friends like omg."My friends were giving me dirty looks from the corner.. like what the fuck are you doing dirty looks. At this point, I don't feel so good. This leads into #4.

4. So I don't  feel so good. Try to stand up.. actually I can't even stand. Damn, I feel like a sack of crap right now. One of friends, picks me up and takes me upstairs, but I really struggle for him to let go because they guy who is having the party's parents are upstairs. When we get upstairs, his parents tell him, he should take me home. My friends picks me up again and carries me on his shoulders.. he opens the front door. Can't hold it in any longer. Vomit all over him and this random dude's porch. All the party decides to join us on the front porch. I'm literally vomiting  for a good 10 minutes. My face, and hands, dress, shoes covered in red gook... mmm delicious. After, I walk in the grass of their front yard, and plop on the ground. I remember my best friends boyfriend stroking my back saying everything we'll be fine. Sweet guy. Sweet guy until he fucked my friend over. I assume they called my dad, because my dad rolls up with my car and takes me home. The next day, my dad goes up to me and says, "so your drinking now... that's cool. Make sure your not the only one next time" and then he made me call that dude who had the party and apologize for the red gook and my behavior in general.

From then on, my friends would call me jello shot girl at school. That's cool I guess.